tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87228021730183018402024-03-05T22:14:01.085-05:00My Un-Mended HeartCasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13618137294936023581noreply@blogger.comBlogger102125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722802173018301840.post-66209333592653314162010-04-18T00:13:00.003-04:002010-04-18T00:23:28.105-04:00I think that I may just go absolutely crazy during this pregnancy. I am waiting to go for an ultrasound on Tuesday, but I feel like I am waiting for a death sentence too. I know that if things are fine with this little one (AKA ~ Peanut, named after my fondness of peanut butter during this pregnancy), I will breathe a bit easier....until the next ultrasound.<br /><br />I hate this. Absolutely hate this. I hate that pregnancy can never and will ever be a joyous time. Yes, I have my moments of *slight* optimism, but those moments rarely stick around for very long. I want to be naive and pregnant. That's what I want! To be all naive, doe-eyed, and completely blissful and I want to know and be able to say without a doubt that this little one will make it to my arms alive. It will be born screaming; not silent.<br /><br />I know that it's probably awful to hear someone talk like this, but I know that I am not the only one out there that feels this way. I wish that every "milestone" of pregnancy could be a celebration, not a marker closer to the end. <br /><br />So, if anyone out there has any ideas as to how I can become positive with this pregnancy, by all means, fire away! I would love nothing more then to be a glowing pregnant woman.....not a frightened woman that looks like she is on the verge of a breakdown.Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13618137294936023581noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722802173018301840.post-46548544145104077252010-04-14T22:00:00.002-04:002010-04-14T22:13:20.502-04:00Well....for those of you who haven't noticed that rather shocking ticker above this post.....yes, I am pregnant. I would love to be able to offer you an excited looking "yay" kind of look, but I can't. Just can't. <br /><br />You see, this wasn't planned, so out of complete fear of the future, my excitement must/ will be contained until this baby is either born alive (only by some random act of god) or as we, in my world know, not alive. Silent.<br /><br />It has been around 3 weeks since I found out I am with child and I still can only shake my head when I think of the situation that I am in. I never thought that I would truly ever be pregnant again. I just can't help but feel bad for this poor little baby; who is probably inside of me wishing/hoping that I would be a little more optimistic for his/her little soul.<br /><br />And then there is the message board that I fled to almost right away for support.....not sure how to say this without ruffling any feathers, but there is no one else on that board right now that has been through what I have and I find myself rolling my eyes quite often when I do read the updates. I wish that the only stress that I had was wondering why I'm not running to the bathroom to hug the toilet. Seriously.<br /><br />I feel like every night, I have many mini-panic attacks. I wish there was a way to just turn off my brain. If there had ever been any answers as to why I lost the girls, then it might be easier to deal with, but not knowing why I lost them is hard this time around. I feel myself slipping in to a nice dark depression and I am tyring to claw my way out, but I can't help but wonder if this is my way of putting on my iron armour and protecting myself from what I fear is inevitable. Why am I already ready to fight for this little one to the death?Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13618137294936023581noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722802173018301840.post-29710696007907211572010-02-07T19:05:00.004-05:002010-02-07T19:20:23.274-05:00The Many Differences<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4FlUy1xGTkx1PS2jLjlFaitVJlHxiRlc27llBqCkwrel5jilURykYwAvDkn0VxW9oSXP6pHo1jDZTw0U9T8ms1p1e29ZUo5MLowHWHA3zN3dTsufSzLIeOz8H0APitNYTnLG5AAEgtdU/s1600-h/broken_heart-1823.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 320px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 295px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5435660731787401010" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4FlUy1xGTkx1PS2jLjlFaitVJlHxiRlc27llBqCkwrel5jilURykYwAvDkn0VxW9oSXP6pHo1jDZTw0U9T8ms1p1e29ZUo5MLowHWHA3zN3dTsufSzLIeOz8H0APitNYTnLG5AAEgtdU/s320/broken_heart-1823.jpg" /></a> As mentioned in an earlier post, my hubby and I had a few months of separation last summer. Truth be told, we grew apart previous to it all, but the day he came home and told me that he was no longer happy, it killed me - ripped my heart out.<br /><div></div><br /><div>This guy is the one; the only one who knows me, inside and out. Fast forward a few months ( I am editing a lot of goings on in between it all) and he decides that he wants to be with me. Fine! Great!</div><br /><div></div><div>And now, many months after the fact, after he told me all of my faults, I am the one in this relationship - still. I am the one that has to worry about it going south (which it slowly is). I am the one that has to worry about all of the things that I am doing wrong ~ what about him? What about all of the things that he has done wrong? And I'm not talking in the past; a much more recent past? </div><br /><div></div><div>Part of me worries that he is just too afraid to leave me - a security thing. Which was one of his many "complaints" before he left. Sometimes I just wonder if I am way beyond hurt to even recognize what is right in front of me. There are too may things left unsaid that I know will never be brought to the surface - it's just the way we are.</div><br /><div></div><div>I don't know. I just don't know. </div><br /><div></div><div>The one thing that I found the most shocking while we were apart was knowing that there was some guy out there that I had 2 stillbirths with and he was the only one that knew what it was like to go through that with me. Without him, I wasn't sure how I would deal with "triggers" appropriately without being able to go home and cry or lean on his supportive shoulders.</div>Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13618137294936023581noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722802173018301840.post-71732392813786215082010-02-01T12:42:00.005-05:002010-02-01T13:06:13.443-05:00Catching Up<div align="center"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggDByS5mq2zM_uxFrm4QcrrKAzaV9aLekMexmIDieHrebCsmSY1wGJiW5kAGVNQRoubvWAev4Zj1PzHz4SRucy7I-bLYunDXFNClwGyVbZjjmVN4t1InzWE3uH9rx81AkD7P0kZiCdf78/s1600-h/DSC_0042.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5433336533301169762" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggDByS5mq2zM_uxFrm4QcrrKAzaV9aLekMexmIDieHrebCsmSY1wGJiW5kAGVNQRoubvWAev4Zj1PzHz4SRucy7I-bLYunDXFNClwGyVbZjjmVN4t1InzWE3uH9rx81AkD7P0kZiCdf78/s320/DSC_0042.JPG" /></a> At the Sandbanks in the middle of September ~ beautiful!<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhupHo4eftrRs7DPyDTgIHaLIkxl_dAZfS8cc8OHIHtCgr6aI589pabxFFILhaf5HOAwBw-0Uut3hNTTEVT6UMMxPnMa2vsAu1buvagciY4SqKQDJUwGBwQO2KrLTwL1W7qgzM5m-BcZwI/s1600-h/boys.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 264px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5433336529437778962" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhupHo4eftrRs7DPyDTgIHaLIkxl_dAZfS8cc8OHIHtCgr6aI589pabxFFILhaf5HOAwBw-0Uut3hNTTEVT6UMMxPnMa2vsAu1buvagciY4SqKQDJUwGBwQO2KrLTwL1W7qgzM5m-BcZwI/s320/boys.jpg" /></a>The boys!<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhN-Ffs6B-V8zyFya9onXQo3JwDtAgbRqb1_7EiQq_9GRYIg3Se1GeHl5mwcPOid_urDTJxJm9Q2MsTGpKqoAKZacsZrUkh5-ezEXjPfBEkxVOOVNV2B2x8Ed2lm107ZXsNUtxB6sy0rys/s1600-h/DSC_0039.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5433336520630277266" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhN-Ffs6B-V8zyFya9onXQo3JwDtAgbRqb1_7EiQq_9GRYIg3Se1GeHl5mwcPOid_urDTJxJm9Q2MsTGpKqoAKZacsZrUkh5-ezEXjPfBEkxVOOVNV2B2x8Ed2lm107ZXsNUtxB6sy0rys/s320/DSC_0039.JPG" /></a> "Fort Freight"<br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh08JWa553_Y3yXRkzFYM2EdL3gIZdGmdDkXHWml3L9Vmgv-8ZIFjJBmIRLeuDmAUGbsJDhLaJ47TbZ1Gg6rQZ48PL9NoCoABc3VKt2NS2hKGFeOeM19pVMqWFkRCgvRKKA_1sUNrSGmEE/s1600-h/new2.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 224px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5433336517073130466" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh08JWa553_Y3yXRkzFYM2EdL3gIZdGmdDkXHWml3L9Vmgv-8ZIFjJBmIRLeuDmAUGbsJDhLaJ47TbZ1Gg6rQZ48PL9NoCoABc3VKt2NS2hKGFeOeM19pVMqWFkRCgvRKKA_1sUNrSGmEE/s320/new2.jpg" /></a> Alight At Night ~ over half a million bulbs throughout the village.<br /><br /><div align="center"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaGO9AuWJv2SOLRQZ5tCZ8bnj9l9kRNEYs7k0Q9bt7YMjgrITee7pi5AKUA2tLUHor4kwPSysj5gsnZYG-pCz0vB9UwzMPosh_vGoTyMDXkTep2MiZdro236lJNrOKN5WIwlAW-igXetk/s1600-h/DSC_0045.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5433333494439874642" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaGO9AuWJv2SOLRQZ5tCZ8bnj9l9kRNEYs7k0Q9bt7YMjgrITee7pi5AKUA2tLUHor4kwPSysj5gsnZYG-pCz0vB9UwzMPosh_vGoTyMDXkTep2MiZdro236lJNrOKN5WIwlAW-igXetk/s320/DSC_0045.JPG" /></a>A group of us went and saw Dane Cook ~ freakin' hilarious!<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgapb5MB3VIE9lkvvjY9ZMqrFxDGe_0cx8Zt-8c46DBJ8FXEKF8nIJnoKSo86-zPp4YCK5HkR22qFIOSd4VFqlSFYlgOiLQ63nAQ_ePtXw0notOb9Hdgvbyl-PRqe0_LCr4JIuH2IS7rbk/s1600-h/DSC_0048.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5433333484802505730" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgapb5MB3VIE9lkvvjY9ZMqrFxDGe_0cx8Zt-8c46DBJ8FXEKF8nIJnoKSo86-zPp4YCK5HkR22qFIOSd4VFqlSFYlgOiLQ63nAQ_ePtXw0notOb9Hdgvbyl-PRqe0_LCr4JIuH2IS7rbk/s320/DSC_0048.JPG" /></a>Ol' boy, Duke! Getting so grey...<br /><br /><div><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5433333480748132610" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgo_xJbamDyjI_c2ovGG91REUUxerSV1A1hwPmmYPUBZ0b9EC1XUX7i16Tm0xFb1Y37JQM7TwdfGoYx4YqI4aVm8jJ9dOpAkjzM7oIpd9YJw3lGXXQQ79dmQq1b3gmEy28ZxmUCPixZZA/s320/DSC_0065.JPG" /></div><div>Crosby was SO happy with wearing the antlers for Christmas, LOL!<br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXBYo3i3LcCt1SzjPBinPFL4TUe3oRU1tBLl-mRhYcvJMmCLZL1A6-NMzGTaF9dXPUR-heqQeCo8F70rK0Yk6IAop0C8mqh9AOuLfmkhO85ztuuB4ieuspRfJvB7DIr302hSWASvsmYME/s1600-h/DSC_0103.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5433333472112457314" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXBYo3i3LcCt1SzjPBinPFL4TUe3oRU1tBLl-mRhYcvJMmCLZL1A6-NMzGTaF9dXPUR-heqQeCo8F70rK0Yk6IAop0C8mqh9AOuLfmkhO85ztuuB4ieuspRfJvB7DIr302hSWASvsmYME/s320/DSC_0103.JPG" /></a>Pretty shot taken on Christmas day.<br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTvrhHYzWcqpjSBwrtmXruo_UoxWKb_jsC0_tcX_Wx0bq9faoQ4YzqGE_qnwuW1TDCk5wIJ0yQYoIFipfD1_DFElFVTr_Uz5F4J88VHGjVj71JhiJ2bcRpNdkrVrF-gBNVMnHsSb-_YhE/s1600-h/DSC_0190.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5433333465325681442" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTvrhHYzWcqpjSBwrtmXruo_UoxWKb_jsC0_tcX_Wx0bq9faoQ4YzqGE_qnwuW1TDCk5wIJ0yQYoIFipfD1_DFElFVTr_Uz5F4J88VHGjVj71JhiJ2bcRpNdkrVrF-gBNVMnHsSb-_YhE/s320/DSC_0190.JPG" /></a>Most of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour boys ~ with the exception of Ron White.</div><br /><div align="center">It's been a busy year, as far as entertainment goes ~ in June, I saw Bif Naked, September I saw P!nk, November, we saw Matt Good, the 2 comedy shows and just last weekend, I saw Tegan & Sara! Each single event was different than the last!<br /></div><div></div></div></div></div></div></div><br /></div>Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13618137294936023581noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722802173018301840.post-20141263744858733872010-02-01T12:29:00.003-05:002010-02-01T12:42:01.309-05:00I was looking back a few posts back and remembered that I had created <a href="http://coopettesangels.blogspot.com/2009/01/new-year.html">this post</a> and I had to laugh. What the h*ll was I thinking?? Seriously?? Who makes these resolutions and actually sticks to them?<br /><br /><ul><li>My 1st item on that agenda was going along quite well and I had lost almost 50 pounds by the time I went to NYC, but after hurting myself at work and not being able to exercise very well or for very long, that weight slowly crept back on me ~ all but 30 pounds of it.</li><li>I never did make an appointment with my doctor. As mentioned in my previous post, I do have an appointment set in a few weeks and we will see if I have the nerve to ask.</li><li>Things with my hubby went horribly wrong ~ like spent 2 months apart, kind of wrong. We are slowly *trying* to work things out now, but not sure where it is going to go.</li><li>And well, since I work so much and barely have enough time for myself, I barely saw my family. I saw them, but never for long enough.</li></ul>So, that's that! I suck as far as <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">resolutions</span> go! This year, I am <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">making</span> it nice and simple for myself ~ I am going to spend more time re-connecting with myself and only doing things that I want to do; not what I feel others want me to do. Also, I am being more honest with people that I actually care to be more honest with!<br /><br />Plain and simple.Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13618137294936023581noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722802173018301840.post-61091132644348542062010-02-01T11:49:00.002-05:002010-02-01T12:03:40.742-05:00<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMIBI1o8mOiDa4vJZzLqJqjvXuiBIYb6mO4jZx_TJ9Crv9feviKHrWyyn82LyRAWt0F5VWH3ywA1DRmf4dxXNmiArCiIeeWaVlQnJiemhd1fO53_jXwoRgdKik5t-mphWdqoO-0bHQNNg/s1600-h/thumbnail.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 200px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 200px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5433321740391298226" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMIBI1o8mOiDa4vJZzLqJqjvXuiBIYb6mO4jZx_TJ9Crv9feviKHrWyyn82LyRAWt0F5VWH3ywA1DRmf4dxXNmiArCiIeeWaVlQnJiemhd1fO53_jXwoRgdKik5t-mphWdqoO-0bHQNNg/s400/thumbnail.jpg" /></a>Well, it has been a while....bad blogger, that I am :>(. I guess that is a part of life now, isn't it?! So, I'll spill the beans on my last suspicious post ~ it has turned out to be just that..a small little slice of hope that turned out to be nothing; absolutely nothing. One of my hubbys' relatives tested + for Factor V Leiden, but he went and was tested and it was -. So, no "easy" fix for us.<br /><div></div><br /><div>Which, lately, I have been feeling is a good thing -not the lack of an answer- but the not having kids part. It's nice not to have to plan things around someone else's routine. It's nice to only ave to worry about getting the dogs out for a quick pee before running out the door if last minute plans pop up! Don't get me wrong, I still want kids and know all to well what I <strong>am</strong> missing, but there are lots of good things about missing out on them too! And I am just starting to realize them now.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I have an appointment in a few weeks with my doctor to have him send me for any and all tests to help find some sort of an answer ~ if an answer does come up, then great! We will sit on that answer for a while and decide just how badly I want to be a wreck for months on end. If nothing shows up, then nothing much will have changed.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Life has been busy ~ work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep. Weekend off =lots of things to do and never enough time. Nothing too exciting to report really in the last 6 months (sadly!). We are going to be installing some beautiful hardwood flooring upstairs and tile in the kitchen, as well as painting the upstairs and replacing all of the trim around the doors. It's going to be a busy month as far as that is concerned and I am already eager to see the end results! Now, to rip up the nasty parquet flooring that is already up there ~ UGH!</div>Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13618137294936023581noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722802173018301840.post-43723361874045479852009-06-10T20:35:00.002-04:002009-06-10T20:43:08.711-04:00Hope Dangles on a String ~ Part 2 ~As previously mentioned in the earlier post, I have a little slice of hope that has been dangled right before my eyes. I'm sure that there are a few people that may have an idea as to what this has to do with, and I'm sorry, once again, about the quiet nature of this; but I just think that if I say it "out loud" here, then I am <em><strong>REALLY</strong></em> hoping for this to be true.<br /><br />It hit me tonight; the deep nagging within me that knows that this will never be true. How could it be? Nothing good ever happens and nothing easy ever happens for us either.<br /><br />So, with a sigh, I bow my head and give in; give in to the negativity.<br /><br />At least my answer won't be much longer. And whether it is good or bad news, I will share what it is then.Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13618137294936023581noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722802173018301840.post-47414773767959008602009-06-09T12:51:00.002-04:002009-06-09T12:57:09.920-04:00Just 'Cuz My Dogs Are SO Cute ;-)<img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 268px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345372604112051426" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW3oBmIqFZm8C_GykdemZE3Z7WMAdrjGqSa55mk24jE5aTJYnvqrHnTTmKYZiDo4PWwhE5Gb_iH8wWFdGOMLoFXuI6ezx6vPU6XLbxiIBh2NtvH8NU6AxYtLgJMVdhmLqRB6V1zHnWtag/s400/DSC_0078.JPG" /><br /><div> <img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 268px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345372214181162962" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkhlxMTFvTex3MX0lTOleYv7aX-SEFnrt5b1BGO8ysBxy2tbjeIP1WxeQt1bqo-Y0CtBowjCgFj94gjPnhUiNFmp4-6OmC3XoKg8Hfk5yl2lhxTYt8ZZqyaaEq4GKiO9AgfwP4-J4_seQ/s400/DSC_0099.JPG" /><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHO42-BpEMy7iz94pQO2AEWcV4txW5HZOvOO_ZHD4Dk2k4GYJQb3HOYm9tSwAEvLaxBfgrGYs-_4_Npq8FrzbfET_71di2UjFz-ujg1fdkeoGJ_zE47chmoKL47ee3I7GUjxRt_Ep7Z8A/s1600-h/DSC_0034.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 291px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345372208652565202" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHO42-BpEMy7iz94pQO2AEWcV4txW5HZOvOO_ZHD4Dk2k4GYJQb3HOYm9tSwAEvLaxBfgrGYs-_4_Npq8FrzbfET_71di2UjFz-ujg1fdkeoGJ_zE47chmoKL47ee3I7GUjxRt_Ep7Z8A/s400/DSC_0034.JPG" /></a><br /><br /><br /><div></div></div></div>Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13618137294936023581noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722802173018301840.post-21322397879114940222009-06-09T12:39:00.003-04:002009-06-09T20:47:36.354-04:00<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVG8SfSHClsoE3j958D_PF_zsfBn82whz7ZZPJjn-_ihC6BRHz0tpzztjPUX9cJli9h5hl6Hl4KFy9OcHYERLZF_5Qs7MNoBwRU9ltndvsRJhBxeE80a0VjULEGG2uqqwSiZdvNbzP5io/s1600-h/tda0043l.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 323px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345494029507405202" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVG8SfSHClsoE3j958D_PF_zsfBn82whz7ZZPJjn-_ihC6BRHz0tpzztjPUX9cJli9h5hl6Hl4KFy9OcHYERLZF_5Qs7MNoBwRU9ltndvsRJhBxeE80a0VjULEGG2uqqwSiZdvNbzP5io/s400/tda0043l.jpg" /></a> <span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Last month I injured myself at work; it was a stupid incident that should have never happened, but here I am and have been sitting at home for the past 3 weeks. Just within this last week, I have found myself thinking back over 2 summers ago when I was off after having Peyton. I can't help but feel odd ~ it all seems too familiar being off along the same time frame and wondering around the house looking for something to do. I know that it is 2 <em>totally </em>different instances, but to me and where my head is at, it feels the same. I guess being holed up in my house isn't helping these feelings either.</span><br /><br /><div><div><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span></div><div><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">I just want to get back to work and start to feel <s>*normal*</s> like I really am not living through all of it again. No, I'm not moping around the house and crying for my lost child(ren), but I can't help but feel those flashbacks. </span></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">It's amazing what time can and cannot do to a person's behaviour.</span></div></div>Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13618137294936023581noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722802173018301840.post-81468537175122034812009-06-06T21:48:00.002-04:002009-06-09T12:38:56.850-04:00<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH7i0oBfIiMa6u3KYfg502uJ-ehyphenhyphenUM1XKizEuX_kqtpnZsF7vkG58NBhN1Hh3KHxVMsbtTY2lY7wy-5pM-nGJlwIxoEyZGygfgWpLXUjvsP1tNhxUrN-7WswAAjzj9O4eHnqbM9Z4W-DE/s1600-h/DSC_0133.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 268px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345368123535727698" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH7i0oBfIiMa6u3KYfg502uJ-ehyphenhyphenUM1XKizEuX_kqtpnZsF7vkG58NBhN1Hh3KHxVMsbtTY2lY7wy-5pM-nGJlwIxoEyZGygfgWpLXUjvsP1tNhxUrN-7WswAAjzj9O4eHnqbM9Z4W-DE/s400/DSC_0133.JPG" /></a> <span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">This is something that I have been lusting after for a few years now. Finally, this year, it is mine; all mine!</span>Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13618137294936023581noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722802173018301840.post-29158678587487021732009-05-28T15:42:00.004-04:002009-05-28T15:55:58.316-04:00Hope Dangles on a String<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFVpzX92Y0763ImEKniikMra_SrH43injLVat5oPcUiKSngcqKjq54hBNGgVhbBDTMXZJsy4-CK9e0aQcuULYoDz5iIV_qKTOCp9LKbW32JqYrn0DqJe75jNCitNRMYtgRpLT3N-4At7w/s1600-h/hope_id20790441_jpg.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 300px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5340965995093311554" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFVpzX92Y0763ImEKniikMra_SrH43injLVat5oPcUiKSngcqKjq54hBNGgVhbBDTMXZJsy4-CK9e0aQcuULYoDz5iIV_qKTOCp9LKbW32JqYrn0DqJe75jNCitNRMYtgRpLT3N-4At7w/s400/hope_id20790441_jpg.jpg" /></a><br /><div>There has been a teeny tiny slice of hope dangled right before my eyes and my reaction is...um, apprehensive; ya, that's what I'll say. I <s>cannot</s> won't get into any details and I'm sorry for the mystery behind it all, but it's that tiny little ray of hope that is stopping me from divulging anything.<br /><br />I am scared out of my tree in actually believing in this, but at the same time, grateful. I have to look into a few things, but once any type of concrete evidence is laid down in front of me, then, and only then will I let you in on this delicious sliver of hope.</div>Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13618137294936023581noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722802173018301840.post-16726019763989248802009-03-28T16:30:00.004-04:002009-03-28T16:42:32.814-04:00Time Flies??!!?? NOPE!Tomorrow marks the 2 year anniversary of when Peyton became an angel ~ holy sh*t! It does and it doesn't seem like all that time has passed already; but I guess the calendar doesn't lie, now does it?!<br /><br />Up until a half hour ago, I was cool as a cucumber,but while I was out for a walk with the dogs, it hit me. LIKE. A. TON. OF. BRICKS. As we all know the horrible memories that replay over and over in our minds, I won't need to describe what is playing in my mind.<br /><br />I really don't know how I am going to get through work tomorrow without having a minor meltdown. This is the first time between the 2 girls that I have had to work through an anniversary. I know that I will be busy enough to keep it pushed back in my head, but I <s>know</s> fear that that ache will be there in front. The only thought that will keep me sane is knowing that I get to come home to my hubby and cry on his shoulder.<br /><br />This is one of those days where I can actually feel & hear the silence of not having any child/ren to hold tight. The old familiar heartache has once again wedged itself in my chest.<br /><br />Anger has always been a distant thump away, but today it lies within my heart too ~ why? Why me? Why two precious babies?Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13618137294936023581noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722802173018301840.post-35900348322101940332009-03-25T18:52:00.004-04:002009-03-25T19:02:36.925-04:00Damn, I Feel Good!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirCTsDXgkVQbUdtf-MIesM517IQTvkKWzerCHSmjs5TWXm2c93wmCeKrd57W1R-vg9bWSVCTK52mG-BQ_pQDF2Qyh7_3zAXOsz25RwnkKdu3R6_IPbiyOyroeuRJy8MdrQuDHtKEU9QU0/s1600-h/yellow_guy_smiling_really_big_hg_wht.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5317264632667242642" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 350px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 350px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirCTsDXgkVQbUdtf-MIesM517IQTvkKWzerCHSmjs5TWXm2c93wmCeKrd57W1R-vg9bWSVCTK52mG-BQ_pQDF2Qyh7_3zAXOsz25RwnkKdu3R6_IPbiyOyroeuRJy8MdrQuDHtKEU9QU0/s400/yellow_guy_smiling_really_big_hg_wht.gif" border="0" /></a><br /><div>Just because I am feeling good about myself, I am feeling the need to point out the little ticker above this! I have lost just a little over 41 pounds!! I was looking back at my last post and laughed that I had only lost a bit over 10 pounds at that point. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Although this is nowhere <s>near</s> not even close to the amount that I would like to lose, but I have settled on doing it in stages. I am 6 pounds shy of being the weight that I wanted to be when I went to New York and I just may do that ~ I have a week and a half left and I intend to work my butt off (no pun intended!) to get near that goal.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I just adore the feeling of fitting nicely into clothing that I had bought/ couldn't fit into. I am 2 jeans sizes smaller and my uniforms for work are also a size smaller!!</div><br /><div></div><br /><div><strong><span style="font-size:180%;color:#663333;">Sorry, but I just had to brag!! 8>D</span></strong></div>Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13618137294936023581noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722802173018301840.post-1220520098017137732009-01-23T20:54:00.003-05:002009-01-23T21:09:17.686-05:00Is it February yet?!?I *really* am starting to think that I have jinxed myself. Not only has there been another loss around work, but our other dog is now ill AND my husband had his car ear-ended! IS it February yet....SERIOUSLY?!?!<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Ok</span>, so as far as the other loss at work goes, one of the girls that I work with lost her husband last weekend. He was only 53 years old and he died of a heart attack. This incredibly strong woman who has gone through something that I cannot even begin to think about has to walk a long and lonely path. I know that she will get through it with *most* of her sanity intact as she has shown incredible strength and courage this past week.<br /><br />Duke, our older dog, has just recently shown us that he has epilepsy. I woke up to my hubby screaming for me and I ran into the kitchen to see Duke having a grand <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">mal</span> seizure. This was a first for us after I collected myself (read stopped hyperventilating) and called the vet's we bought him in to have a look over and have some blood drawn. Because we are quite confident that <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">this is</span> his first one, there is no need for any drugs yet; a blessing as these drugs apparently destroy the liver. <br /><br />We got the results back and some of his levels came back <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">weird</span>, but the vet is not sure if they are abnormal because it was taken so closely after the seizure. We did find out that because he is mixed with 2 dominant breeds for seizures, they will always be grand m<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">al</span> seizures. The worst news of this whole thing is that she warned us that he just might not come out of one someday. So, we sit with "optimistic hope" that this may just be his one and only of his lifetime. Hey, we have to pretend that we live a perfect life, don't we?!?<br /><br />And the most recent "incident" of the GREAT JANUARY of 2009 is the fact that my hubby got rear ended in his car ~ the only saving grace in that mess is that it wasn't his fault!!!!!!! <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">HAHA</span>!<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Ok</span>, 8 more days to go.........are you there, February?!?<br /><br />PS ~ My diet is doing well and I have lost close to 10 pounds!Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13618137294936023581noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722802173018301840.post-87672935976167023762009-01-07T13:22:00.002-05:002009-01-07T13:30:43.695-05:00I *HEART* My Camera Part 2<div align="center"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6AXDhAixJSY7g0JtgQnSK9O-bi1dS1SHPr6C_E24sZJ9sifWWZBkJef0xhd2p-hDJsRQ-t3HXjR9nRwTYYRjjD-WnkTGYwJdkAs6S0EFH4CVIY4P1jQP_zkWZhyphenhyphen0KTlASlU8Ejeb27_w/s1600-h/DSC_0004.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5288620291608017570" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 268px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6AXDhAixJSY7g0JtgQnSK9O-bi1dS1SHPr6C_E24sZJ9sifWWZBkJef0xhd2p-hDJsRQ-t3HXjR9nRwTYYRjjD-WnkTGYwJdkAs6S0EFH4CVIY4P1jQP_zkWZhyphenhyphen0KTlASlU8Ejeb27_w/s400/DSC_0004.JPG" border="0" /></a> A cool shot through a wreath with the tree lights in the background.<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPAeEuCneWhysSxOhHD5oDbzkNhpvWVfJwFfWcc5ri1pCGtk-71j46gSTOYz4h7K1tfy4yXHwDU-g_wtXyg1fIReHAjw9OFHVc8r07i1gmDnk6wTG48w4UbU3ajmSw-WqpPmMDl1f4e9Q/s1600-h/DSC_0008.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5288620279944932642" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 268px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPAeEuCneWhysSxOhHD5oDbzkNhpvWVfJwFfWcc5ri1pCGtk-71j46gSTOYz4h7K1tfy4yXHwDU-g_wtXyg1fIReHAjw9OFHVc8r07i1gmDnk6wTG48w4UbU3ajmSw-WqpPmMDl1f4e9Q/s400/DSC_0008.JPG" border="0" /></a>It doesn't get any cuter than this!<br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdezjhlW05ygosK1hoOGIKZg1AsH3Yup5HOHe7xogcb4qUsJ5FjeNqwt5vTNx7VgThRTbeeKp1USBkl0aJgb0fflJYVsvSNUfRyILM9981_TM-DpaKSArdYRuDDA2GXiqz9d9G4R2diMI/s1600-h/DSC_0052.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5288620275638167698" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 380px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdezjhlW05ygosK1hoOGIKZg1AsH3Yup5HOHe7xogcb4qUsJ5FjeNqwt5vTNx7VgThRTbeeKp1USBkl0aJgb0fflJYVsvSNUfRyILM9981_TM-DpaKSArdYRuDDA2GXiqz9d9G4R2diMI/s400/DSC_0052.JPG" border="0" /></a>Crosby before his 1st fight ~ we don't know if he won or lost that one!<br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipdCalq8XH3vyqnq_U_V1BLzGQ2iE7313gkrKJuIopvPi8NDyi1Z5AhYhBwGPxUIUeHuULIhroM9wxIwbXy-i1yVC7P5CDpFiCidUxm2NPmjYMYi7xye9zxsyjfodPvWm_DIA9QzfCDLg/s1600-h/DSC_0040.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5288620270608789970" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 268px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipdCalq8XH3vyqnq_U_V1BLzGQ2iE7313gkrKJuIopvPi8NDyi1Z5AhYhBwGPxUIUeHuULIhroM9wxIwbXy-i1yVC7P5CDpFiCidUxm2NPmjYMYi7xye9zxsyjfodPvWm_DIA9QzfCDLg/s400/DSC_0040.JPG" border="0" /></a>Pretty shot at the park.</div></div><br /></div>Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13618137294936023581noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722802173018301840.post-63183311521180534692009-01-07T13:09:00.004-05:002009-01-07T13:21:49.686-05:00I *<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">believe</span>* that I jinxed myself by saying that this is going to be a great year. The past few days, not much in the way of greatness.<br /><br />I'll start with yesterday. My hubby and I took our dogs for a run down at the "dog park". This place is an old camp ground with tons of trails for us to walk on. We were about a quarter of the way into it when my dogs spotted another dog <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">around</span> the corner. Crosby, the goof ball that he is, decided that he just had to meet this newcomer and what ends up happening to him? He gets bit several times in the ear! With blood all over his face, we had to make an impromptu visit to the vet. $130 later, he is all cleaned up, didn't need stitches, but needed a good dose of antibiotics for 10 days. Why, why, why would someone bring their dog to a park like that if it is going/has a slight chance to be aggressive? Not good dog ownership. AT ALL!<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiy_VUcJ1aNzsIzjR6vwdt2uCAVccrX_lwwVZuR1BQ8TkK9AzgkcsusZVWnX7opEPPcknH5XfA1O2dsLF5gshJEzB-OJHNJBvi5FGwntbpX7cTGu87lBe0rp7I22ab0ECgWy4S4GVkpQsg/s1600-h/DSC_0052.JPG"></a><br /><br /><br />This morning I learned of a co-workers death. I have mentioned her before and she managed to give a good fight, but after 4 months of living with cancer, she passed late last night. She was only 41 years old and had an 18 year old daughter. It definitely makes you realize that life does throw you curve balls every now and then.<br /><br /><br /><br />To end this doom and gloom on a happy note, I started my diet! So, my main resolution of this year has begun!Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13618137294936023581noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722802173018301840.post-87464613436174216142009-01-02T22:04:00.005-05:002009-01-02T22:25:15.472-05:00A New Year!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigaGsL7Jrbnz1BESz4bm7rIju4ayfGJCOZpZ0rqXG2uV76q1zN-PyGY_CZnhHC95tNPqH6w7wW_BIxCB5_4ATJ62E0NGgmkRTV9emr4qkt4dL0XoGnKNWry0IpeB2XQUoTnoLrtMmjjzY/s1600-h/calendar.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5286903147988039234" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 326px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 265px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigaGsL7Jrbnz1BESz4bm7rIju4ayfGJCOZpZ0rqXG2uV76q1zN-PyGY_CZnhHC95tNPqH6w7wW_BIxCB5_4ATJ62E0NGgmkRTV9emr4qkt4dL0XoGnKNWry0IpeB2XQUoTnoLrtMmjjzY/s400/calendar.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>For once in my life, I am looking forward to see what this year will bring. I can't help but shake this feeling that it is going to be a great one at that!</div><br /><div>Will a child be brought into my life? Will I find some sort of peace and inner happiness? Or will this be the year that everything just kind of falls into place and I just kind of float along with it?</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>You don't have to actually "know" me to know me ~ of course I want a child, but I would love to find that inner peace/happiness too! I am tired. Exhausted. Mentally. I want to be free of all the cynicism, doom and gloom that clouds around me all the time. I want to breathe. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Lately, I keep having flashbacks to certain time frames ~ for those who have walked the same path as I have, you know what I mean. The internal calendar that remains locked in our hearts of certain dates and memories our our lost children. Dates that I am sure, we will never forget.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>So, I am having these flashbacks everywhere I go and I can't help but think about what may lie ahead my my husband and I. I want a child, I really, truly do. I am quite positive that by the end of this year, I will be pregnant with a child. A child that we will get to bring home.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>And with every new year, there are resolutions that are thought up with the best of intentions, but because this is the year that I am certain will be fabulous, I am going to list my resolutions here and I will stick to them and update on their progress.</div><br /><ul><br /><li>My first and most difficult one is to lose weight. Not just a few pounds. A. LOT. I know that this will be a long process, but I sincerely hope to say that by the end of this year I have lost <em>at least</em> 60 pounds. I will be quite happy with that number, but of course, more will be welcome! I am going to NYC in April with a few of my girls, and I would like to say that I have lost 30 of those pounds by then. Diet starts Monday!</li><br /><li>I have an appointment set-up with my family doctor to 'talk'. I am determined to find some answers as to why I lost the girls. Stay tuned.....</li><br /><li>I would like to deepen my relationship with my husband as well. We spend so much time busy with other things other than our relationship.</li><br /><li>Last, I plan to spend more time with my family. They all live an hour away and I hardly see them as it is. Sad, I know!</li></ul><br /><p>There it is.... what do you think my chances are?!?</p>Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13618137294936023581noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722802173018301840.post-60710793745062173442008-11-24T07:50:00.003-05:002008-11-24T07:57:16.419-05:00<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgckLXHQZphMCTVKAnfZDiq17bHzLFTSzSW2w1vvhAxzNVl9XpHB2eAeaT9RhvEWnqBqpjvg8q0OgWyi5HTG2FDWZhaetXC5wn8c2lbOAYDAFwEQZoFzE7dKbHCP2LBeVFXQtfdm-AhNUE/s1600-h/untitled.bmp"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5272207302732201970" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 300px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 300px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgckLXHQZphMCTVKAnfZDiq17bHzLFTSzSW2w1vvhAxzNVl9XpHB2eAeaT9RhvEWnqBqpjvg8q0OgWyi5HTG2FDWZhaetXC5wn8c2lbOAYDAFwEQZoFzE7dKbHCP2LBeVFXQtfdm-AhNUE/s320/untitled.bmp" border="0" /></a><br /><div>I am pretty sure that if I have someone else tell me that I need to go to a specialist and get some answers regarding my losses, I will, in fact, scream! </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Like, <strong><u>DUH,</u> </strong>I never thought of that! I haven't in the past 3 years wondered what or if there are any answers. I just thought that I would float along for the rest of my life not wanting any answers and definitely wouldn't <em>WANT </em>to know why I lost my babies.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I'm getting there people. But <strong>YOU </strong>are getting on my bloody nerves too :).</div>Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13618137294936023581noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722802173018301840.post-6142052389323210542008-11-20T20:00:00.005-05:002008-11-20T20:12:14.444-05:00I *HEART* My CameraI love that I live in such a beautiful area. All of these shots are within minutes of my house.<br /><div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5270911624693831234" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 214px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaoGWEeZeEEKVLdeKFdcolC3gXOrTzaPPYr-Cvy_KhNmdiSohDkyeCm0yvBJyO3k271F_AA127c3hu9-Lf-1KGyajtMFaG01bCnGOcQlZE30XfJYn8uj7rIy9uMRYYMBGCKyDbtuwowf0/s320/DSC_0032.JPG" border="0" /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5270911619089607666" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 214px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTKdwJc1XlwH_e1zcx7xo0EQXU97MKoXEbOgI6TRNafpqPudzCjJmKI6-PumO0fWECGyeBp_VeLCbVEus7Dg9hOh536P-e6PU53c4VxHy99ZarC0e662yMTGVD7eOc6c1rW4IvGIDS4X0/s320/DSC_0001.JPG" border="0" /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy8aNVzhOsgeQDNPrUTRkTtBAO_A1TXzQCdA6sLHW76RoSiOTZXSsYvoUyCvGleHdk-j8n5lHZ8JeFp6u4wTtXyjGKFaJtouYJ0U3AZoP-MmXIfDImPRWFtkLWPbc29asYzZEq7rNfmho/s1600-h/DSC_0048.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5270910782786283506" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 214px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy8aNVzhOsgeQDNPrUTRkTtBAO_A1TXzQCdA6sLHW76RoSiOTZXSsYvoUyCvGleHdk-j8n5lHZ8JeFp6u4wTtXyjGKFaJtouYJ0U3AZoP-MmXIfDImPRWFtkLWPbc29asYzZEq7rNfmho/s320/DSC_0048.JPG" border="0" /></a></div>Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13618137294936023581noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722802173018301840.post-12387426545154736462008-11-20T19:44:00.005-05:002008-11-20T20:00:21.631-05:00On the Bright Side<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ2twZ9r1KKlwoMcOSLAejs6ODcOfa280IsY3ZmF5v6iDEZb02mzrlcgjFHzezl53iyxCB3noeEMpAkiqZMzsjlQbbX93qQ77W3-YDHSJxTcNe6gWVjrtQR5z6B-b4JXZTIQXWDMaXu6s/s1600-h/gift-img.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5270909328740539266" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 170px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 169px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ2twZ9r1KKlwoMcOSLAejs6ODcOfa280IsY3ZmF5v6iDEZb02mzrlcgjFHzezl53iyxCB3noeEMpAkiqZMzsjlQbbX93qQ77W3-YDHSJxTcNe6gWVjrtQR5z6B-b4JXZTIQXWDMaXu6s/s400/gift-img.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>I don't know what it is, but the past few days have been rather "blah" days. In an effort to dig myself out of this pitiful hole, I have decided that I will list the many things that I have to be thankful for. Here's hoping it works!</div><br /><ol><br /><li>I am thankful for the amazing relationship that I have with my husband. Not only is he my "better half", he is my true best friend; the one that knows the real me, not the "show" me.</li><br /><li>I am thankful for my husband's good health this past year. Excuse me while I go look for some wood to knock on...</li><br /><li>I am thankful for the amazing friends that I have ~ without them knowing my crazy ways and STILL loving me no matter what, I don't know what I would do.</li><br /><li>I am thankful for the health that surrounds my family and friends and their loved ones as well.</li><br /><li>I am thankful for the home that I come home to every night (or hide out in!). It has taken years, but it is slowly coming to be what we envision it to be.</li><br /><li>I am thankful for my pets ~ they are all unique, that's for sure!</li><br /><li>I am thankful that Crosby (the over sized pup) continues to make both my hubby and I laugh on a regular basis.</li><br /><li>I am thankful that I have a blog to pool all of my mixed up thoughts into.</li><br /><li>I am thankful that I have a good paying job that I enjoy; most of the time!</li><br /><li>I am thankful that I am surrounded by nice things; material things, yes, but nice things!</li></ol><br /><p>Ok, who the hell am I kidding? The more and more things that I try to come up with, the more and more that it becomes obvious. Yes, I have great things in my life, but where is my true happiness? Where is the child?</p>Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13618137294936023581noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722802173018301840.post-20661169401470622102008-10-09T20:29:00.003-04:002008-10-09T20:38:53.753-04:00<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixbZVaKNJx_ZeipI0v5XZo2qZ3jKLycvbZ1H3BJwiCds3whp4O2xEBejdsrpUP-pDpANu_Mua_Skp0YFmw9oAGClNWTORkeImj4bvjTgJK-aldoVcH1_H889A6gV9NMAsbk_J1__2BtCA/s1600-h/dsplrfpoewi03494893243wed.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5255318183841812114" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixbZVaKNJx_ZeipI0v5XZo2qZ3jKLycvbZ1H3BJwiCds3whp4O2xEBejdsrpUP-pDpANu_Mua_Skp0YFmw9oAGClNWTORkeImj4bvjTgJK-aldoVcH1_H889A6gV9NMAsbk_J1__2BtCA/s400/dsplrfpoewi03494893243wed.jpg" border="0" /></a> I am sure that I have mentioned before, I am a Facebook user. Tonight for my status, I have that I "am struggling...". I wrote that because not only was I struggling to come up with something clever as to how I was feeling, but simply because that was/is the way that I am feeling.<br /><div></div><br /><div>That was almost 3 hours ago. Just 5 minutes ago, it hit me; I'm struggling over who I am now. Am I a 30 year old who will never have children? Or am I a 30 year old who will have a child someday? I am also trying to grasp the idea of being the friend who doesn't have children while all of my friends start or have a family of their own. Not necessarily a concept that is far-fetched, but definitely not a concept that I want to deal with right now. I don't think that over time it would be hard to deal with as these people with children envy the time that I do have for myself, but will they forget the hardships that I have endured in the process?</div><br /><div>Will these people speak of their envy and forget about my quiet pain? Will they be so selfish?</div>Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13618137294936023581noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722802173018301840.post-67632992961590970472008-09-30T16:24:00.003-04:002008-09-30T16:27:35.997-04:00WHO KNEW?Yesterday, I turned 30 years old. In my mind, age is just a number, but when that number is 5 years more than what you would have liked it to be to have your 1st child, why is it that I despise being 30?<br /><br />Is it because I am now 5 years closer to the cut off age? This getting older crap is for the birds.<br /><br />Especially when there are no sweet melodies of toddlers running around.Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13618137294936023581noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722802173018301840.post-31315788246976637372008-09-16T02:32:00.003-04:002008-09-16T02:40:48.030-04:00Hangin' Tough!!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjytxFWKIqp8vsCpKNYlLNQ3GcOkqilrNHLbwqhrTcbQondiD5eE35kO2dhpYSCR3JQEGgKtGl6gHQZyA42Hb-lLLhW6dPlGYuAnDbNcBLamcholbC9qSfEnwbw6yC0ghbWoFXIN6JWTgY/s1600-h/nkotb.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5246505308175276082" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjytxFWKIqp8vsCpKNYlLNQ3GcOkqilrNHLbwqhrTcbQondiD5eE35kO2dhpYSCR3JQEGgKtGl6gHQZyA42Hb-lLLhW6dPlGYuAnDbNcBLamcholbC9qSfEnwbw6yC0ghbWoFXIN6JWTgY/s400/nkotb.jpg" border="0" /></a>For any one that grew up in my generation you will know what and who I am referring to. Yes, New Kids on the Block!<br /><div></div><div> </div><div>Myself and 3 of my crazy friends are taking the weekend, heading down to Montreal and yes, going to see them on their "comeback" tour. No, I'm not going because I'm a die hard fan, I <em>was, </em>when I was about 12 years old, but I am going for the sheer relaxation and good times to be had.</div><br /><div></div><div>What more could 4 women want than renting an SUV, staying in a super sweet hotel, lots of drinks, lots of shopping and seeing NKOTB? Did I mention that these boys were the 1st ever concert that I went to?</div><br /><div></div><div>HAHA! Don't worry, I will <u>definitely</u> post some pictures for you!</div>Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13618137294936023581noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722802173018301840.post-6899112915106295802008-09-16T02:24:00.003-04:002008-09-16T02:32:22.326-04:00I don't know how this managed to slip my mind, but it did. For the past 4 months (or so), I haven't been on any type of birth control and, well, ;let's just say that my hubby and I had a spur of the moment.....uh, moment. Dumb, yes, I know and even dumber was not using any type of protection. More dumber is not quite knowing if it was close to "O" time.<br /><br /><em>I'll take a moment and let you gasp.</em><br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Ok</span>, so back to what I was saying. It has been exactly 16 days since the "moment" and I know for a fact that I was roughly 2 weeks into my cycle at the time.<br /><br /><em>I'll let you gasp again if you feel you need it.</em><br /><em></em><br />So, ya...... 16 days and still nothing. NOTHING.<br /><br />**STUPID, STUPID, STUPID** There are a few symptoms showing that it can go either way, but for an hour or so tonight, I felt <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">crampy</span> and I'm gonna go with it. Sound good to you? The scary part in all of this stupidity is that I think I will be slightly disappointed if a certain something shows.<br /><br />Like I said, stupid, stupid, s-t-u-p-i-d.Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13618137294936023581noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722802173018301840.post-48977710167007810732008-09-14T01:22:00.004-04:002008-09-14T01:49:58.375-04:00Summer Feelings Part 2As a continuation of my previous outburst of summertime craziness; I have more to rant on about. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Ok</span>, not necessarily rant about but to share some more of my craziness.<br /><br />The most recent is learning of a co-workers upcoming death; uh, I mean the news of her serious illness. Yes, the big "C". And by big, I mean big; as in all throughout her body and now invading her brain. It all kind off puts our own misery into perspective and makes us realize that our lives, not so shitty. Of course, it also makes my husband and I want to reclaim our lost years from the grief and grab life by the balls and enjoy every single minute and live. L-I-V-E. In a strange way, I feel bad learning from her misfortune as she spend her last month (if that) on earth scared to bits and here we are living it up.<br /><br />Keeping this little bit of info in mind, I have come to another conclusion ~ I <strong><em>WILL</em></strong> have a child someday. Someday. I most certainly don't know when and I most certainly do know that it won't be any time soon, but I know within my heart of hearts, it will be. With all of this talk of us living, I can't ignore that nagging; almost poking feeling at the bottom of my heart. No matter how much I live and enjoy life, it won't be <em>truly</em> enjoyable until I share it with a child of my own.<br /><br />As far as my last post goes, I'm still ticked; not ticked, just bothered I'll say. Since writing it all out, I have realized something else ~ does she think that I spend my days just pining away for a child? That I'm completely consumed by the loss of my children? Seriously. A) She doesn't nor will she ever know the kind of love and strength that I have when it comes to them and B) I'm too busy trying to live my life and finding a way to adapt to even hold a thought in my mind about whether or not I am bothered by her having a child. I'm sorry that this has turned into a rant about this again, but for the love of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">pete</span>, give me some more credit. Thanks.<br /><br />On to some good news ~ my hubby and I are debt free. In a small sense. If you consider only having the needed monthly bills to pay like <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">satellite</span> and phone, then good, we are debt free! Ha, that almost sounded convincing for a moment! We're not "debt free" so to speak, but we do have a decent amount added on to our mortgage, that's for sure! Oh well, it does feel good to not worry about how to pay off the rather large VISA bills now!<br /><br />I am becoming increasingly irritated by the idiotic people that I work with. I'm a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">PSW</span> ~ Personal Support Worker or better known as a Professional Shit Wiper. It's not rocket science; why do some people not have a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">freakin</span>' clue? Seriously. Some of the people that I work with cover all of the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">spectrum's</span> ~ there are the baby talkers; yes, just the other day while working on the Bath Team, I heard the girl that I worked with tell the resident that she needs to get the "soapy <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">woapy</span>" off. Oh my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">freakin</span>' god. I kid you not. Then there are the complete idiots that just-don't-get-it. I'm sorry, if you have been there for at <u> least</u> 3 months, you should have the lay of the land and know what the hell you are doing and who is who.<br /><br />I need a cigarette to calm my nerves. I'll be back later.Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13618137294936023581noreply@blogger.com0