My Un-Mended Heart

2010-04-18T00:13:00.003-04:00

I think that I may just go absolutely crazy during this pregnancy. I am waiting to go for an ultrasound on Tuesday, but I feel like I am waiting for a death sentence too. I know that if things are fine with this little one (AKA ~ Peanut, named after my fondness of peanut butter during this pregnancy), I will breathe a bit easier....until the next ultrasound.

I hate this. Absolutely hate this. I hate that pregnancy can never and will ever be a joyous time. Yes, I have my moments of *slight* optimism, but those moments rarely stick around for very long. I want to be naive and pregnant. That's what I want! To be all naive, doe-eyed, and completely blissful and I want to know and be able to say without a doubt that this little one will make it to my arms alive. It will be born screaming; not silent.

I know that it's probably awful to hear someone talk like this, but I know that I am not the only one out there that feels this way. I wish that every "milestone" of pregnancy could be a celebration, not a marker closer to the end.

So, if anyone out there has any ideas as to how I can become positive with this pregnancy, by all means, fire away! I would love nothing more then to be a glowing pregnant woman.....not a frightened woman that looks like she is on the verge of a breakdown.

2010-04-14T22:00:00.002-04:00

Well....for those of you who haven't noticed that rather shocking ticker above this post.....yes, I am pregnant. I would love to be able to offer you an excited looking "yay" kind of look, but I can't. Just can't.

You see, this wasn't planned, so out of complete fear of the future, my excitement must/ will be contained until this baby is either born alive (only by some random act of god) or as we, in my world know, not alive. Silent.

It has been around 3 weeks since I found out I am with child and I still can only shake my head when I think of the situation that I am in. I never thought that I would truly ever be pregnant again. I just can't help but feel bad for this poor little baby; who is probably inside of me wishing/hoping that I would be a little more optimistic for his/her little soul.

And then there is the message board that I fled to almost right away for support.....not sure how to say this without ruffling any feathers, but there is no one else on that board right now that has been through what I have and I find myself rolling my eyes quite often when I do read the updates. I wish that the only stress that I had was wondering why I'm not running to the bathroom to hug the toilet. Seriously.

I feel like every night, I have many mini-panic attacks. I wish there was a way to just turn off my brain. If there had ever been any answers as to why I lost the girls, then it might be easier to deal with, but not knowing why I lost them is hard this time around. I feel myself slipping in to a nice dark depression and I am tyring to claw my way out, but I can't help but wonder if this is my way of putting on my iron armour and protecting myself from what I fear is inevitable. Why am I already ready to fight for this little one to the death?

The Many Differences

2010-02-07T19:05:00.004-05:00

As mentioned in an earlier post, my hubby and I had a few months of separation last summer. Truth be told, we grew apart previous to it all, but the day he came home and told me that he was no longer happy, it killed me - ripped my heart out.

This guy is the one; the only one who knows me, inside and out. Fast forward a few months ( I am editing a lot of goings on in between it all) and he decides that he wants to be with me. Fine! Great!

And now, many months after the fact, after he told me all of my faults, I am the one in this relationship - still. I am the one that has to worry about it going south (which it slowly is). I am the one that has to worry about all of the things that I am doing wrong ~ what about him? What about all of the things that he has done wrong? And I'm not talking in the past; a much more recent past?

Part of me worries that he is just too afraid to leave me - a security thing. Which was one of his many "complaints" before he left. Sometimes I just wonder if I am way beyond hurt to even recognize what is right in front of me. There are too may things left unsaid that I know will never be brought to the surface - it's just the way we are.

I don't know. I just don't know.

The one thing that I found the most shocking while we were apart was knowing that there was some guy out there that I had 2 stillbirths with and he was the only one that knew what it was like to go through that with me. Without him, I wasn't sure how I would deal with "triggers" appropriately without being able to go home and cry or lean on his supportive shoulders.

Catching Up

2010-02-01T12:42:00.005-05:00

At the Sandbanks in the middle of September ~ beautiful!
The boys!

"Fort Freight"

Alight At Night ~ over half a million bulbs throughout the village.

A group of us went and saw Dane Cook ~ freakin' hilarious!

Ol' boy, Duke! Getting so grey...

Crosby was SO happy with wearing the antlers for Christmas, LOL!

Pretty shot taken on Christmas day.

Most of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour boys ~ with the exception of Ron White.

It's been a busy year, as far as entertainment goes ~ in June, I saw Bif Naked, September I saw P!nk, November, we saw Matt Good, the 2 comedy shows and just last weekend, I saw Tegan & Sara! Each single event was different than the last!

2010-02-01T12:29:00.003-05:00

I was looking back a few posts back and remembered that I had created this post and I had to laugh. What the h*ll was I thinking?? Seriously?? Who makes these resolutions and actually sticks to them?

My 1st item on that agenda was going along quite well and I had lost almost 50 pounds by the time I went to NYC, but after hurting myself at work and not being able to exercise very well or for very long, that weight slowly crept back on me ~ all but 30 pounds of it.
I never did make an appointment with my doctor. As mentioned in my previous post, I do have an appointment set in a few weeks and we will see if I have the nerve to ask.
Things with my hubby went horribly wrong ~ like spent 2 months apart, kind of wrong. We are slowly *trying* to work things out now, but not sure where it is going to go.
And well, since I work so much and barely have enough time for myself, I barely saw my family. I saw them, but never for long enough.

So, that's that! I suck as far as resolutions go! This year, I am making it nice and simple for myself ~ I am going to spend more time re-connecting with myself and only doing things that I want to do; not what I feel others want me to do. Also, I am being more honest with people that I actually care to be more honest with!

Plain and simple.

2010-02-01T11:49:00.002-05:00

Well, it has been a while....bad blogger, that I am :>(. I guess that is a part of life now, isn't it?! So, I'll spill the beans on my last suspicious post ~ it has turned out to be just that..a small little slice of hope that turned out to be nothing; absolutely nothing. One of my hubbys' relatives tested + for Factor V Leiden, but he went and was tested and it was -. So, no "easy" fix for us.

Which, lately, I have been feeling is a good thing -not the lack of an answer- but the not having kids part. It's nice not to have to plan things around someone else's routine. It's nice to only ave to worry about getting the dogs out for a quick pee before running out the door if last minute plans pop up! Don't get me wrong, I still want kids and know all to well what I am missing, but there are lots of good things about missing out on them too! And I am just starting to realize them now.

I have an appointment in a few weeks with my doctor to have him send me for any and all tests to help find some sort of an answer ~ if an answer does come up, then great! We will sit on that answer for a while and decide just how badly I want to be a wreck for months on end. If nothing shows up, then nothing much will have changed.

Life has been busy ~ work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep. Weekend off =lots of things to do and never enough time. Nothing too exciting to report really in the last 6 months (sadly!). We are going to be installing some beautiful hardwood flooring upstairs and tile in the kitchen, as well as painting the upstairs and replacing all of the trim around the doors. It's going to be a busy month as far as that is concerned and I am already eager to see the end results! Now, to rip up the nasty parquet flooring that is already up there ~ UGH!

Hope Dangles on a String ~ Part 2 ~

2009-06-10T20:35:00.002-04:00

As previously mentioned in the earlier post, I have a little slice of hope that has been dangled right before my eyes. I'm sure that there are a few people that may have an idea as to what this has to do with, and I'm sorry, once again, about the quiet nature of this; but I just think that if I say it "out loud" here, then I am REALLY hoping for this to be true.

It hit me tonight; the deep nagging within me that knows that this will never be true. How could it be? Nothing good ever happens and nothing easy ever happens for us either.

So, with a sigh, I bow my head and give in; give in to the negativity.

At least my answer won't be much longer. And whether it is good or bad news, I will share what it is then.

Just 'Cuz My Dogs Are SO Cute ;-)

2009-06-09T12:51:00.002-04:00

2009-06-09T12:39:00.003-04:00

Last month I injured myself at work; it was a stupid incident that should have never happened, but here I am and have been sitting at home for the past 3 weeks. Just within this last week, I have found myself thinking back over 2 summers ago when I was off after having Peyton. I can't help but feel odd ~ it all seems too familiar being off along the same time frame and wondering around the house looking for something to do. I know that it is 2 totally different instances, but to me and where my head is at, it feels the same. I guess being holed up in my house isn't helping these feelings either.

I just want to get back to work and start to feel ~~*normal*~~ like I really am not living through all of it again. No, I'm not moping around the house and crying for my lost child(ren), but I can't help but feel those flashbacks.

It's amazing what time can and cannot do to a person's behaviour.

2009-06-06T21:48:00.002-04:00

This is something that I have been lusting after for a few years now. Finally, this year, it is mine; all mine!

Hope Dangles on a String

2009-05-28T15:42:00.004-04:00

There has been a teeny tiny slice of hope dangled right before my eyes and my reaction is...um, apprehensive; ya, that's what I'll say. I ~~cannot~~ won't get into any details and I'm sorry for the mystery behind it all, but it's that tiny little ray of hope that is stopping me from divulging anything.

I am scared out of my tree in actually believing in this, but at the same time, grateful. I have to look into a few things, but once any type of concrete evidence is laid down in front of me, then, and only then will I let you in on this delicious sliver of hope.

Time Flies??!!?? NOPE!

2009-03-28T16:30:00.004-04:00

Tomorrow marks the 2 year anniversary of when Peyton became an angel ~ holy sh*t! It does and it doesn't seem like all that time has passed already; but I guess the calendar doesn't lie, now does it?!

Up until a half hour ago, I was cool as a cucumber,but while I was out for a walk with the dogs, it hit me. LIKE. A. TON. OF. BRICKS. As we all know the horrible memories that replay over and over in our minds, I won't need to describe what is playing in my mind.

I really don't know how I am going to get through work tomorrow without having a minor meltdown. This is the first time between the 2 girls that I have had to work through an anniversary. I know that I will be busy enough to keep it pushed back in my head, but I ~~know~~ fear that that ache will be there in front. The only thought that will keep me sane is knowing that I get to come home to my hubby and cry on his shoulder.

This is one of those days where I can actually feel & hear the silence of not having any child/ren to hold tight. The old familiar heartache has once again wedged itself in my chest.

Anger has always been a distant thump away, but today it lies within my heart too ~ why? Why me? Why two precious babies?

Damn, I Feel Good!

2009-03-25T18:52:00.004-04:00

Just because I am feeling good about myself, I am feeling the need to point out the little ticker above this! I have lost just a little over 41 pounds!! I was looking back at my last post and laughed that I had only lost a bit over 10 pounds at that point.

Although this is nowhere ~~near~~ not even close to the amount that I would like to lose, but I have settled on doing it in stages. I am 6 pounds shy of being the weight that I wanted to be when I went to New York and I just may do that ~ I have a week and a half left and I intend to work my butt off (no pun intended!) to get near that goal.

I just adore the feeling of fitting nicely into clothing that I had bought/ couldn't fit into. I am 2 jeans sizes smaller and my uniforms for work are also a size smaller!!

Sorry, but I just had to brag!! 8>D

Is it February yet?!?

2009-01-23T20:54:00.003-05:00

I *really* am starting to think that I have jinxed myself. Not only has there been another loss around work, but our other dog is now ill AND my husband had his car ear-ended! IS it February yet....SERIOUSLY?!?!

Ok, so as far as the other loss at work goes, one of the girls that I work with lost her husband last weekend. He was only 53 years old and he died of a heart attack. This incredibly strong woman who has gone through something that I cannot even begin to think about has to walk a long and lonely path. I know that she will get through it with *most* of her sanity intact as she has shown incredible strength and courage this past week.

Duke, our older dog, has just recently shown us that he has epilepsy. I woke up to my hubby screaming for me and I ran into the kitchen to see Duke having a grand mal seizure. This was a first for us after I collected myself (read stopped hyperventilating) and called the vet's we bought him in to have a look over and have some blood drawn. Because we are quite confident that this is his first one, there is no need for any drugs yet; a blessing as these drugs apparently destroy the liver.

We got the results back and some of his levels came back weird, but the vet is not sure if they are abnormal because it was taken so closely after the seizure. We did find out that because he is mixed with 2 dominant breeds for seizures, they will always be grand mal seizures. The worst news of this whole thing is that she warned us that he just might not come out of one someday. So, we sit with "optimistic hope" that this may just be his one and only of his lifetime. Hey, we have to pretend that we live a perfect life, don't we?!?

And the most recent "incident" of the GREAT JANUARY of 2009 is the fact that my hubby got rear ended in his car ~ the only saving grace in that mess is that it wasn't his fault!!!!!!! HAHA!

Ok, 8 more days to go.........are you there, February?!?

PS ~ My diet is doing well and I have lost close to 10 pounds!

I HEART My Camera Part 2

2009-01-07T13:22:00.002-05:00

A cool shot through a wreath with the tree lights in the background.
It doesn't get any cuter than this!

Crosby before his 1st fight ~ we don't know if he won or lost that one!

Pretty shot at the park.

2009-01-07T13:09:00.004-05:00

I *believe* that I jinxed myself by saying that this is going to be a great year. The past few days, not much in the way of greatness.

I'll start with yesterday. My hubby and I took our dogs for a run down at the "dog park". This place is an old camp ground with tons of trails for us to walk on. We were about a quarter of the way into it when my dogs spotted another dog around the corner. Crosby, the goof ball that he is, decided that he just had to meet this newcomer and what ends up happening to him? He gets bit several times in the ear! With blood all over his face, we had to make an impromptu visit to the vet. $130 later, he is all cleaned up, didn't need stitches, but needed a good dose of antibiotics for 10 days. Why, why, why would someone bring their dog to a park like that if it is going/has a slight chance to be aggressive? Not good dog ownership. AT ALL!

This morning I learned of a co-workers death. I have mentioned her before and she managed to give a good fight, but after 4 months of living with cancer, she passed late last night. She was only 41 years old and had an 18 year old daughter. It definitely makes you realize that life does throw you curve balls every now and then.

To end this doom and gloom on a happy note, I started my diet! So, my main resolution of this year has begun!

A New Year!

2009-01-02T22:04:00.005-05:00

For once in my life, I am looking forward to see what this year will bring. I can't help but shake this feeling that it is going to be a great one at that!

Will a child be brought into my life? Will I find some sort of peace and inner happiness? Or will this be the year that everything just kind of falls into place and I just kind of float along with it?

You don't have to actually "know" me to know me ~ of course I want a child, but I would love to find that inner peace/happiness too! I am tired. Exhausted. Mentally. I want to be free of all the cynicism, doom and gloom that clouds around me all the time. I want to breathe.

Lately, I keep having flashbacks to certain time frames ~ for those who have walked the same path as I have, you know what I mean. The internal calendar that remains locked in our hearts of certain dates and memories our our lost children. Dates that I am sure, we will never forget.

So, I am having these flashbacks everywhere I go and I can't help but think about what may lie ahead my my husband and I. I want a child, I really, truly do. I am quite positive that by the end of this year, I will be pregnant with a child. A child that we will get to bring home.

And with every new year, there are resolutions that are thought up with the best of intentions, but because this is the year that I am certain will be fabulous, I am going to list my resolutions here and I will stick to them and update on their progress.

My first and most difficult one is to lose weight. Not just a few pounds. A. LOT. I know that this will be a long process, but I sincerely hope to say that by the end of this year I have lost at least 60 pounds. I will be quite happy with that number, but of course, more will be welcome! I am going to NYC in April with a few of my girls, and I would like to say that I have lost 30 of those pounds by then. Diet starts Monday!

I have an appointment set-up with my family doctor to 'talk'. I am determined to find some answers as to why I lost the girls. Stay tuned.....

I would like to deepen my relationship with my husband as well. We spend so much time busy with other things other than our relationship.

Last, I plan to spend more time with my family. They all live an hour away and I hardly see them as it is. Sad, I know!

There it is.... what do you think my chances are?!?

2008-11-24T07:50:00.003-05:00

I am pretty sure that if I have someone else tell me that I need to go to a specialist and get some answers regarding my losses, I will, in fact, scream!

Like, DUH, I never thought of that! I haven't in the past 3 years wondered what or if there are any answers. I just thought that I would float along for the rest of my life not wanting any answers and definitely wouldn't WANT to know why I lost my babies.

I'm getting there people. But YOU are getting on my bloody nerves too :).

I HEART My Camera

2008-11-20T20:00:00.005-05:00

I love that I live in such a beautiful area. All of these shots are within minutes of my house.

On the Bright Side

2008-11-20T19:44:00.005-05:00

I don't know what it is, but the past few days have been rather "blah" days. In an effort to dig myself out of this pitiful hole, I have decided that I will list the many things that I have to be thankful for. Here's hoping it works!

I am thankful for the amazing relationship that I have with my husband. Not only is he my "better half", he is my true best friend; the one that knows the real me, not the "show" me.

I am thankful for my husband's good health this past year. Excuse me while I go look for some wood to knock on...

I am thankful for the amazing friends that I have ~ without them knowing my crazy ways and STILL loving me no matter what, I don't know what I would do.

I am thankful for the health that surrounds my family and friends and their loved ones as well.

I am thankful for the home that I come home to every night (or hide out in!). It has taken years, but it is slowly coming to be what we envision it to be.

I am thankful for my pets ~ they are all unique, that's for sure!

I am thankful that Crosby (the over sized pup) continues to make both my hubby and I laugh on a regular basis.

I am thankful that I have a blog to pool all of my mixed up thoughts into.

I am thankful that I have a good paying job that I enjoy; most of the time!

I am thankful that I am surrounded by nice things; material things, yes, but nice things!

Ok, who the hell am I kidding? The more and more things that I try to come up with, the more and more that it becomes obvious. Yes, I have great things in my life, but where is my true happiness? Where is the child?

2008-10-09T20:29:00.003-04:00

I am sure that I have mentioned before, I am a Facebook user. Tonight for my status, I have that I "am struggling...". I wrote that because not only was I struggling to come up with something clever as to how I was feeling, but simply because that was/is the way that I am feeling.

That was almost 3 hours ago. Just 5 minutes ago, it hit me; I'm struggling over who I am now. Am I a 30 year old who will never have children? Or am I a 30 year old who will have a child someday? I am also trying to grasp the idea of being the friend who doesn't have children while all of my friends start or have a family of their own. Not necessarily a concept that is far-fetched, but definitely not a concept that I want to deal with right now. I don't think that over time it would be hard to deal with as these people with children envy the time that I do have for myself, but will they forget the hardships that I have endured in the process?

Will these people speak of their envy and forget about my quiet pain? Will they be so selfish?

WHO KNEW?

2008-09-30T16:24:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, I turned 30 years old. In my mind, age is just a number, but when that number is 5 years more than what you would have liked it to be to have your 1st child, why is it that I despise being 30?

Is it because I am now 5 years closer to the cut off age? This getting older crap is for the birds.

Especially when there are no sweet melodies of toddlers running around.

Hangin' Tough!!

2008-09-16T02:32:00.003-04:00

For any one that grew up in my generation you will know what and who I am referring to. Yes, New Kids on the Block!

Myself and 3 of my crazy friends are taking the weekend, heading down to Montreal and yes, going to see them on their "comeback" tour. No, I'm not going because I'm a die hard fan, I was, when I was about 12 years old, but I am going for the sheer relaxation and good times to be had.

What more could 4 women want than renting an SUV, staying in a super sweet hotel, lots of drinks, lots of shopping and seeing NKOTB? Did I mention that these boys were the 1st ever concert that I went to?

HAHA! Don't worry, I will definitely post some pictures for you!

2008-09-16T02:24:00.003-04:00

I don't know how this managed to slip my mind, but it did. For the past 4 months (or so), I haven't been on any type of birth control and, well, ;let's just say that my hubby and I had a spur of the moment.....uh, moment. Dumb, yes, I know and even dumber was not using any type of protection. More dumber is not quite knowing if it was close to "O" time.

I'll take a moment and let you gasp.

Ok, so back to what I was saying. It has been exactly 16 days since the "moment" and I know for a fact that I was roughly 2 weeks into my cycle at the time.

I'll let you gasp again if you feel you need it.

So, ya...... 16 days and still nothing. NOTHING.

**STUPID, STUPID, STUPID** There are a few symptoms showing that it can go either way, but for an hour or so tonight, I felt crampy and I'm gonna go with it. Sound good to you? The scary part in all of this stupidity is that I think I will be slightly disappointed if a certain something shows.

Like I said, stupid, stupid, s-t-u-p-i-d.

Summer Feelings Part 2

2008-09-14T01:22:00.004-04:00

As a continuation of my previous outburst of summertime craziness; I have more to rant on about. Ok, not necessarily rant about but to share some more of my craziness.

The most recent is learning of a co-workers upcoming death; uh, I mean the news of her serious illness. Yes, the big "C". And by big, I mean big; as in all throughout her body and now invading her brain. It all kind off puts our own misery into perspective and makes us realize that our lives, not so shitty. Of course, it also makes my husband and I want to reclaim our lost years from the grief and grab life by the balls and enjoy every single minute and live. L-I-V-E. In a strange way, I feel bad learning from her misfortune as she spend her last month (if that) on earth scared to bits and here we are living it up.

Keeping this little bit of info in mind, I have come to another conclusion ~ I WILL have a child someday. Someday. I most certainly don't know when and I most certainly do know that it won't be any time soon, but I know within my heart of hearts, it will be. With all of this talk of us living, I can't ignore that nagging; almost poking feeling at the bottom of my heart. No matter how much I live and enjoy life, it won't be truly enjoyable until I share it with a child of my own.

As far as my last post goes, I'm still ticked; not ticked, just bothered I'll say. Since writing it all out, I have realized something else ~ does she think that I spend my days just pining away for a child? That I'm completely consumed by the loss of my children? Seriously. A) She doesn't nor will she ever know the kind of love and strength that I have when it comes to them and B) I'm too busy trying to live my life and finding a way to adapt to even hold a thought in my mind about whether or not I am bothered by her having a child. I'm sorry that this has turned into a rant about this again, but for the love of pete, give me some more credit. Thanks.

On to some good news ~ my hubby and I are debt free. In a small sense. If you consider only having the needed monthly bills to pay like satellite and phone, then good, we are debt free! Ha, that almost sounded convincing for a moment! We're not "debt free" so to speak, but we do have a decent amount added on to our mortgage, that's for sure! Oh well, it does feel good to not worry about how to pay off the rather large VISA bills now!

I am becoming increasingly irritated by the idiotic people that I work with. I'm a PSW ~ Personal Support Worker or better known as a Professional Shit Wiper. It's not rocket science; why do some people not have a freakin' clue? Seriously. Some of the people that I work with cover all of the spectrum's ~ there are the baby talkers; yes, just the other day while working on the Bath Team, I heard the girl that I worked with tell the resident that she needs to get the "soapy woapy" off. Oh my freakin' god. I kid you not. Then there are the complete idiots that just-don't-get-it. I'm sorry, if you have been there for at least 3 months, you should have the lay of the land and know what the hell you are doing and who is who.

I need a cigarette to calm my nerves. I'll be back later.

2008-09-12T18:52:00.003-04:00

It has recently been brought to my attention that I am being "coddled" . The one thing (ok, there are many things nagging at me about this whole "episode") that is begging to be asked is WHY????!?!?!!!?? Please keep in mind that I have (as of this moment in time), not confronted this person whom feels I need "coddling" and I am fully aware that she does frequent here. But, seriously, why?

Said person has a child, said person I have written about being there for during her pregnancy. Said person apparently hasn't taken into consideration that I was/am there for her. Said person has seemingly forgotten that I was there for her the day she found out she was pregnant; I was there for her during an ultrasound in which her husband couldn't be there with her and last, threw a flippin' shower for her, but most definitely, not least, was there with her as she went for her pre-op stuff the day before her darling son was to be born. And oh, couldn't sit still long enough to go and meet her son ~ yes, I went up to meet him that very day.

The thing (ok, once again, you caught me; there are many things!) that amazes and astounds me is that I heard from a third person (whom happens to me my closest friend) that said friend told her that " she is giving me space; she knows that I am still weird with her having a baby (??)".

Ok....now, the thing that truly amazes and astounds me is that I never asked for space. I was never weird with her having a child. In fact, I was the one that told her that she would be a fantastic mother the night she was nervous about meeting her son and becoming a mother.

I don't think that I should have wrote this out ~ I am finding more reasons to be more disappointed in her and her reasons for her awkwardness.

If awkward is how she is feeling, then I guess she does know how I feel. ALL. THE. TIME.

Summer Feelings Part 1

2008-08-20T16:03:00.003-04:00

Despite me working a lot, I have been quite emotional and super testy this summer. I find that I am quite irritated by people. Most of the time it's because of sheer stupidity on their part ~ news flash people, I am still sensitive to remarks; it's not going to go away, you know. I do know how exciting it is to be a mother; oops, I mean I can only *imagine*. Once again, no need to rub it in and then whine about lack of sleep or whatever the dilemma of the day is. The truth is, I would trade you places any day ~ you know, you can see how it feels to know that you may never have a child to call your own and I can live in your ignorant bliss. Hey, I think it's only fair ~ oh wait, silly me, no one wants to trade places to see how truly awful it is and how it feels.

The sad truth is that isn't even the beginning of how I have been feeling. Angry, disappointed, hopeful, and sad are all part of the kaleidoscope of feelings. Frustrated and disappointed seem to fall into the same category, sadly enough. I believe that is always going to be a feeling that I will always feel; by anyone and everyone. I find myself extremely infuriated by several people in my life; the sad thing is that they are much too self-absorbed to even notice after all of these years. I am at the point that if they can't be bothered to realize how much they have hurt me, then I need to stop any type of relationship with them. After all, I am the one that has put things on hold just to be there for them.....where were/are they when I need them the most?

Right, forgot....stuck in their own world.

2008-08-18T23:53:00.007-04:00

I am still in awe that the summer has nearly passed; what have I been doing, you may ask. And why have I not taken much solace in coming here and dumping my thoughts out here? Well, I have been working my butt off, for one. With me working full time throughout the summer and have little time to myself; let alone time to clean makes mevery tired and VERY cranky (insert hiss).

Like most summers as well, comes busy-ness.....you know, barbeques, parties, just generally making too many plans and never enough time. I am happy to report that my hubby has re-built our front deck! YAY! I fully feel that you need a visual aid so that you can fully understand my excitement ~ the old deck was nasty; painted brown and was standing on its last leg. Please mind the looks of the front door, we are getting new doors as well.

Does anyone else notice......

2008-08-12T00:26:00.003-04:00

.....that there memory seems to have been left behind at the hospitals where we either found out about our babies deaths or perhaps laying at the foot of the beds where we held our lifeless and still babies?

I can with 100% certainty say that at least once day, I feel like I'm developing early onset Alzheimer's.

As of the past year, my favourite saying for things that my memory continues to be a little on the slow side is ~ "I'm pretty sure....".

ARGH!

I'm in L-O-V-E

2008-08-07T17:09:00.006-04:00

I finally got my new camera ~ the Nikon D60!! I am stupidly super excited (as if you couldn't tell!). I thought that I would show just how fabulous this camera truly is with a few pics of my fur babies~This is also serving as a sign to you, my fellow followers that I am still around, just crazy busy! When I get a spare moment to stop and think, I will fill you in on what is going on with me.

~

2008-07-23T00:11:00.001-04:00

I was just playing over at Wordle and I pasted the link from here and it is kind of interesting to see the coincidental words that was picked out.

Interesting.

2008-06-20T13:44:00.002-04:00

Yup, never the same. I've had 2 tiny little beings come into my world, stay for a mere moment in time, leave some precious memories and then leave. Leave me with a shredded heart and shattered vision of my future.

With that in mind, why am I becoming consumed with thoughts of being pregnant again? I seriously thought that I would never; I repeat, e-v-e-r have these thoughts creep back into my mind. But, they are here and I don't think that they will leave until they get what they want ~ a healthy, alive, screaming bundle of joy.

Yes, I have a ton of hurdles to go through before I even step a foot on that scary, winding road, but I believe that I am ready to jump.

Good Person or Sucker for Punishment?

2008-06-13T14:17:00.007-04:00

As the eternal doormat, this is the question du-jour. Am I truly a good person or do I have some sick desire to torture myself? Seriously though, why do I constantly put myself in situations that I know will bring me to my knees in a fit of tears later?

The good person in me wants to be there for other people who I value their friendship and who need support. The torturous she-devil in me just loves to put me through my paces. This week has proven to be a memory ridden and emotionally draining one as I watch a close friend become a mother for the first time. No, don't get me wrong, I am happy for her as she enjoys all of those special moments with her son; but I can't shake that nagging feeling that it should be me. Another friend of mine asked me if I was jealous in a way and I said no, I just wish it was me. Is that the same thing? Jealousy and yearning?

Back to my original point ~ throughout my friend's pregnancy, I have been always there for her. Either to talk her down when she's about ready to jump, to answer funny pregnancy questions and to just be with her as she walks the 9 month journey. As stated before, I co-hosted a shower for her, went to an ultrasound with her and most recently, went to her pre-op appointment for the c-section. The latter was the straw that broke the camel's back; er, I mean hurt my heart.

I sat in the waiting area of the birthing unit of the hospital. I watched happy and naive mothers to be parade around while they waited as well. I saw newborn babies being wheeled around by happily exhausted mothers. I sat with empty arms, a hurting heart and a head full of memories. So, am I good friend or sucker for punishment? I wanted to be there for my friend as her husband couldn't be there, but why, oh why, must I put myself through this torture?

Ok....I must be the best, most kick ass friend anyone could ask for. Hopefully, they come up with some type of medal for this "position".

ARGH!!!! @#$%*

2008-05-26T20:51:00.003-04:00

It's just been one of these days ~ I feel like I am about ready to S-N-A-P! I have refused to talk to anybody on the phone; it's that bad. I know that if I answer the phone and whoever starts whining, bitching and moaning about whatever is the latest crisis, I will indeed, lose it.

But, me being the doormat friend, I am taking a note from history and just choosing to pretend that life is perfect and not answering the bloody phone. I guess even the firmest doormat needs a day off, right?!?

So, to whoever this may concern, no I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, I just need a break from being the doormat and from being the one that always nods and smiles.

2008-05-21T20:27:00.003-04:00

It appears as though this is the week that I will be relentless and start to give up some of my baby stuff. I have just answered an ad to a women who is due in September and wants Care Bear nursery items. Yes, I have been wanting to sell these things, but I didn't know just how much it would hurt to open up those boxes.

To know that I wasn't able to have my dream nursery and now to possibly enable that chance for someone else just *plain* hurts*. It takes me back to the amount of time that I spent online trying to find these things and then the juggling that I had to do to get them to my house. The real kicker was getting home from the hospital after delivering Quinn to find them sitting in the post office.

Memory is such a sneaky and mean son of a bitch.

2008-05-18T21:17:00.005-04:00

Please, please, please forgive..... I have been a bad, thoughtless and neglectful person. I couldn't believe it, when I checked the date of my last past (my previous doesn't count, as it's not really a post) and saw that it has been over 2 months since my last entry.

*Shame on me*

And trust me, I have been busy...... well, I should clarify what I think is busy ~ "busy" is working, coming home, cleaning up and trying to not lose my mind. Yup, I have most definitely been "busy". I can't believe that I have spent 2 months essentially, wasting time. Ok, to clarify : I have been working an absurd amount of hours at work, which is a good thing, but on the less stress side of things, it's not such a great thing. The 7 month old puppy has most certainly been keeping me busy as well; the joys of sloppy wet good morning kisses and brown eyes! Ok, who am I kidding ~ I have been hiding. Yes, hiding! From who or what? I dunno.

It's not like I don't have a whole crap-load of things to say; I do. I guess I can't form the 1000 thoughts into words.

First things first, my good friend whom I have known for more than 20 years is having her baby boy next month. I have co-hosted her baby shower (Y-I-K-E-S! Did you ever think that you would hear those words uttered from this mouth??), taken pregnancy pic's, gone to an ultrasound and just today, helped her tie-up her baby shopping. The most emotionally damaging of all of this (besides the shower), was going through the girls' bins to dig out what gender neutral clothes that I had. As I have mentioned before just looking at these bins would send me into a blood-seeking rage, but until today, I have been exceptionally ambivalent towards them. Oh no, today, when I chose to get these items out of them, I choose to have a mini breakdown. Oh, the sacrifices I make.

There is a bone that I would love to pick with another friend of mine as well; I know that I never will as she isn't exactly the sharpest pencil in the case. But, if I hear her tell me how lucky I am to be able to sleep in or to be able to sleep whenever I want, I will kick-her- teeth- in. I don't want to be able to sleep in. There is nothing more in this world that I would love more than to be sleep deprived because of my child. But I'm not; quit rubbing it in already.

Although it may not seem it, I am slowly and begrudgingly accepting my life as it is now. Do I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb about ready to set off? Hell ya, but I have accepted that there is nothing that I can do about the place I'm at. It doesn't mean that I don't have tiny little moments of wanting a child of my own and thinking about all that that may entail, but I am shoving these pesky little thoughts away ~ I know that there is no way that I am anywhere near emotionally strong enough to handle the thought of going back down that long torturous road. I do have a game plan for now and after that whatever happens and if it's meant to be, then it's meant to be.

I think that right now I really need to focus all of my energy and attention on my marriage. In less than a year, I have seen both my parents and my sister's marriage go down the tubes. It's kind of a scary thought when you are the only one standing. And on shaky ground at that. I feel a distance forming between my hubby and I; I'm sure that he feels it too and he knows that I am scared. I don't know if it's us just going in different directions, but we are good as a couple and I want us going together in the same direction.

My puppy is driving me crazy!!! Random, I know, but it has a lot to do with my mentality right now. He is good about 60% of the time and the other 40% who the hell knows what happens to him. I will give him this ~ he is 100% adorable and full of love. He is superb at making us chuckle too!

Now that I've put a smile on my face while thinking about Crosby, the knuckle head puppy, I am going to go and watch a movie. Sweeney Todd, here I come.......and you wonder why I'm moody :P

Just For Today

2008-04-30T21:53:00.002-04:00

This is something that I came upon from the message board that I go to ~ it put a few things into perspective and perhaps it may do the same for others.

*Just for today, I will try to live through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my child's death, but instead learn to live with it just one day at a time.

*Just for today, I will remember my children's brief life, not their deaths , and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days and moments we shared.

*Just for today, I will forgive all the family and friends who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to. They truly did not know how.

*Just for today, I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside, for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

*Just for today, I will free myself from my self inflicted burden of guilt, for deep in my heart I know if there was anything I could have done to save my child from death, I would have done it.

*Just for today, when my heart feels like breaking, I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving, and the only reason I hurt is because I had the privilege of loving so much.

*Just for today, I will not compare myself with others. I am fortunate to be who I am and to have had my child for as long as I did.

*Just for today, I will accept that I did not die when my child died. My life did go on and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.

**By Vicky Tushingham from Alive Alone**

Empty Evening Thoughts

2008-02-24T01:34:00.003-05:00

Is it sad that I often have the thought to become either an alcoholic or drug addict? Seriously, isn't it a nice idea to "leave" this world every now and then and pretend that your life isn't so shitty??!! You know I have something with this idea ;D
I can't help but feel sorry about myself about...oh...say...80% of the time, so why is it that people with the same emotions that I have feel the need to help this issue further along? Seriously people, shut your think-before-you-speak mouths! OK??
As much as I enjoy putting all of my inner thoughts out here, do people actually enjoy reading about me constantly venting?
Isn't it weird when you finally get something in your head to blog about and then you sit, staring at the screen wondering why you weren't born with a better way to utilize the thoughts that are running around inside you?
Is it rather odd that within a year of losing Peyton that I have held a 3 month old baby and am planning a baby shower?!? To me, it is very odd: in the 2 (almsot) year gap between losing Quinn and Peyton, I had squirmed away from holding a baby and you wouldn't have even have been able to invite me to a baby shower let alone host one.
I can't help but fear the demise of my marriage ~ after losing Quinn, I felt so bad about myself that I wouldn't have blamed my husband if he had of left. Can you only imagine how I feel now?
I hate my body.
I wish that I could be the "perfect girl"....you know, the perfect weight, looks and life? HA! Like that even exists........god, I make myself laugh at times! Silly me!
Why is it that when we go through these times of not wanting to see/talk to anyone and just hole yourself up in your house, that we do this exactly? Is it really because we don't want to voice how we are feeling? Why when we are already down in the dumps, do we choose not to be around people?
I really need to getting into the routine of coming her more often.

MY TOP 10 (of a different sort!)

2008-02-07T15:42:00.008-05:00

I've decided that as a reference to look back on at the end of this year, I am going to make myself an anger/motivation must-do list! It's something that I *hope* I will complete by the end of 2008, but I also hope that it's something that will help me move along and get out of this funk. And me, being a orderly, list kind of girl, what better way than to have a list, right??! ______________________________________________________________

Yes, the dreaded two words ~ WEIGHT LOSS. As mentioned before, I am not happy with the weight that I am at; making me feel much more worse about myself. So, I started my diet and exercise on Tuesday and I am feeling good about this choice. Realistically, I would like to say that by the year's end I have lost about 60 pounds, but I would really like to lose over 100. I know the latter won't happen, but this is my list!! LMAO!
I would like to scrapbook more! I have 2 albums that I really need to either get started on or finish up. I made one for Quinn and I have bought one for Peyton, but haven't had the ambition to even start that one. I have another scrapbook that I am combining all of the trips and other fun times into and I really want to get our New York City trip into that one. If I can say that I have the fun book and Peyton's almost done by the end of the year, then I will feel much more productive!
HAHAHAHA!!! I found this highly amusing as yes, you guessed it; I have some Irish blood in me!! And if you haven't guessed what this is, it's a doormat. Yes, I would like to NOT be a doormat for people to wipe their shitty shoes on. 'Nuff said!
Yup, I sure would also like a backbone.**SIGH**
I guess the last 2 are tied together ~ I want to be the type of person that can be brutally, but tactfully, honest. I think that I want to be this so that I will no longer become someone that will roll over while someone treats me unfairly. I would like to say that by the end of the year that I have spoken back to said people at least once.
I want to say that by the end of the year that I am the TRUE me.
By the end of the year, I want to say that I have been to 2 different places. Preferably, one in Canada and one in the US.
I hope that at least more than a quarter of our debt is paid off by the end of this year.
I would like to be off of my anti-depressants by the end of the year.

I would like to say that by the end of the year, my actual to-do list for around the house is done. I mine as well start off small if I'm going to tackle this list.

I Want to Break Free

2008-02-07T15:24:00.000-05:00

Isn't it bizarre how some things in life can just wake you up one morning and slap you right in the face? I, for one, have been bitch slapped it seems, since the beginning of this year. 2008, the year that I had hoped would treat me better....... well, 2008, you can kiss my ass too!

I feel as though I'm spiralling back into that deep dark place that I was hoping to avoid; take reprieve for a few months. H-O-W-E-V-E-R, here I am clawing to stay about midway through this dark well and I don't know if I have the strength to remain where I am.

At first, I thought it was the weather, but then it hit me ~ I went through exactly the same thing after I lost Quinn. I didn't have any interest in anything, it was a chore to leave the house, I spent money like it grew on trees and most of all, I hid; hid from my family and my friends. I ended up being so down that I had to take a month and a half off of work and get on some meds to wrap my head around things and to straighten myself up.

Now, I don't plan on taking any time off now, but I am going through the same ambivelence towards life and the people in my life. I hate this ~ I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT.

I want to break free from the web that grief has trapped me into for over 2 years. I want to wake up some random morning and feel as though I'm not covered by a hovering shadow. I would like to live as normal as possible, but I know that may never happen.

I think it's time that I return to my pity party for one and continue my movie marathon.

2008-02-07T15:21:00.001-05:00

It really was a dog day afternoon.....

I Wish

2008-01-23T20:59:00.000-05:00

.....I wish that I could be one of those girls that simply oozes self-confidence. I really, truly do!
However, I have never been one of those girls. At the age of 13, I met a boy and dated him for 5 years. During these five years, this boy liked to make me feel about a foot tall and completely and utterly stupid.

Several years after leaving him (I met my hubby!), I was looking at some old pictures and was shocked to see how distorted my self-perception was. I thought I was fat, but in fact, I was skinny.....I mean, un-healthy looking kind of skinny. It was wildly disturbing to look at those pictures at the weight I was/am at (which I won't disclose those details ;D) and see that I was as thin and sick looking as I was back then and thought about how fat I thought I was back then. Stupid jerk of a boyfriend ruined it for me, wouldn't you say??

And now, I sit at over double the weight I was when I was looking anorexic??!!! Eesh, if I had of known! Now I get to tie in my own self-esteem issues with the way I feel about myself being a failure not only to my 2 daughters, but my family, my friends and most importantly, my husband. I wish that I could not worry about the way the rest of the world looks at me to, but I guess the whole idea of only being able to bring dead children into the world has, in fact, shaken my future self confidence to it's core.

As a way to fight back, I am starting a diet/pills/exercise regimen next Tuesday. Why Tuesday specifically? Because I am going to the movies and damn it, I want to eat nachos! 8-D

2008-01-21T15:59:00.000-05:00

In my own dream world, I would l-o-v-e to work for myself. Some of you may be asking why right now and I will tell you ~ I want to work for myself or by myself so that I won't have to hear stupid comments that turn my inner groan button on.

This weekend has been a groan button activated one, that's for sure! The highlights are as follows :

Helping a resident bath (yes, again!) she asks me how many children I have. *Insert inner groan and stab to the heart here* I simply say that I don't have any and she then proceeds to explain to me that her brother and sister in-law had adopted years ago and they ended up adopting a mistake. While my hubby may not want to adopt as of this moment, I would like to think (by this, I mean dream) that we will hear the tender tone of a child's laughter in our house someday.

**I get that my "story" isn't plainly written on my forehead, but for the love of god, can I not just have a normal day at my place of work? I like to go to work so for 8 hours, I can escape my inner pain!!**

At lunch in the dining room, I was feeding a resident and behind me is a little old lady, who is nothing but negative and whiny. As I was feeding my resident, I hear one of the staff workers ask the whiny/negative resident if she ever had any children. Of course, the woman says no and to this the staff member replies " You can tell, you're pretty un-sympathetic".

While I agree with what my co-worker said, it got me to thinking ~ is that going to be me? Am I going to be a nasty old woman when I am in my 80's? Am I going to be the elderly woman who all the staff feel sorry for because she has no family that comes in to visit her? These were the thoughts that instantly invaded my brain and made my heart ache.

Don't get me wrong, at this point in time I do realize the tiny advantages to being childless. I can come and go as I please (well, maybe not quite with Crosby!) and I can go on trips with my hubby and not worry about the child that may have been left behind and I can be completely selfish and spend money on things that I don't certainly need.

However, when I take the time to sit and think about it, the constant pain in my heart tells me that I need to be a mother someday. I know it. You know it. Does my future know it?

Ok, back to what this post was originally about: I would just like to go to work and not have the painfully obvious pointed out to me. Is that too difficult to ask? I know that I work in a female dominated field and I love where I work and what I do, and I am aware that most women tend to have children, but why is it that I constantly am reminded that I am the minority there?

What the? How the? ......

2008-01-10T23:25:00.000-05:00

What the hell? Ok, I guess I should get more to the point, huh? Obviously I knew that we are in the month of January, but tonight while I was on a break at work, it hit me. Holy shit, it's January!?!?? As in it's January, 2 and a half months before Peyton's 1st anniversary.....................................................................................................

~...sorry, had to take a moment to shake my head again...~

Where the hell have I been? Yes, I know, oh, how I know....I've been grieving, but where in the midst of this grieving, did the year go?

I wonder if it's because I have (unfortunately) been there and done that before? I mean, the year after losing Quinn was so L-O-N-G, but I ask again ~ what the hell?

And you know, truth be told, I feel like I have gyped my second dead daughter of the soulful mourning that I did for her sister. Don't get me wrong, I cry and I do all of the same things that I did after losing Quinn, but it's waaaayyyyy much more tinged with the raw emotion of anger. I some days feel bad for not grieving the loss of Peyton as I did for Quinn, but I guess all that can be said is that it is in fact different this time around.

I guess I can say that I am in fact pissed right the hell off that I got gyped. Enough said.

2008-01-07T20:01:00.000-05:00

I am an avid reader; there is no television sound in the background when I am home because I'm snuggled on the couch with the book of the week.

I recently picked up a new book out from one of my favourite authors, Lorna Landvik. About halfway through the book, one of the characters spits out a wonderful choice of words that is very thought provoking.
" Life rarely makes the same plans you do".

How very true, right?! I mean if life had of stuck with my plans, I would have had my 1st child at the age of 25 and wouldn't have known an ounce of the pain and hurt that I do now.

I wonder how boring our lives would be if everything fell into place exactly the way that we had it mapped out in our minds.

I guess that's the joy of life; wondering what's creeping up to you around the corner.

HO-HUM

2008-01-07T15:20:00.000-05:00

I am going to try and be as tactful as I can possibly be..........

Ahhh, screw it!!!! Why the heck should I be, when no one else seems to have their inner tact button turned on??!!

I forgot that the world only revolves around certain people.....silly, silly me! What was I thinking?

Another Year

2008-01-07T15:08:00.000-05:00

Since losing Quinn, I am always saddened when I leave one of the worst years behind; while at the same time hopeful for a better year ahead.

This year, I rang in 2008 at work with a good friend and one of the residents. I was happy to see 2007 go, but at the same time, I felt sad for what may or may not lie ahead of me in 2008.

Will a child be a part of this year? I doubt it. The only saving grace in this thought is knowing that my heart won't be shredded to a million pieces at all this year.

So, with the thoughts and intention of making 2008 a "happier, no more dead children" year, I feel obligated to share my resolutions. First, I want to lose a pile of weight. And my only other resolution is to *try* and be a happier, positive person. But to do this, I have to take a step at a time and just simply put one foot in front of the other and follow which way life takes me.

Ahhh, yes, the holidays....

2008-01-07T14:52:00.000-05:00

I don't know why it surprised me to find out that, yet again, I hate Christmas and everything it represents (read: no child). I guess I still find it shocking that I went from a completely naive Christmas loving gal to a wearily realistic Christmas hating gal.

I do find it amusing that some people were shocked to find out that I wanted the holidays to just be over with! REALLY?? I guess I'm just dumbfounded when said people must have forgot that I had lost my 2nd daughter to stillbirth 9 months ago. And to be made to feel bad because I'm not in the Christmas spirit?? **Hmmmmm, I don't know if I have the strength to censor my choice of words here, so I will leave it to the imaginations of my readers.**

I was blessed to have had to work through the entire Christmas holiday, so I guess I didn't have to pretend all that much at work, where the residents either don't know what day it is or don't care! P-E-R-F-E-C-T!!!! I gave my sigh of relief when I was done at 9 o'clock boxing day night.

The one thing that I completely loved was that my husband was completely 100% on board with my feelings and shared the same kind of deep rooted hatred for the holidays! I mean, we "blamed" having the puppy for the reason we didn't even put up a freakin' tree!!!!

HA!

I HEART NEW YORK

2007-12-11T15:05:00.000-05:00

Before we got Crosby, we went on a trip to New York ~ this being my first time there! We had a fantastic time and hope to return in a few years! What a city!!!

2007-12-11T14:57:00.000-05:00

I have heard that some people have been concerned as to my whereabouts; no, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth or haven't crawled under a rock either! I have been busy with this little monster ~Sir Crosby, as we like to call him. He is a spunky little guy and our other dog has taken him under his wing ~ we're not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing!

I Just Don't Know

2007-11-09T22:32:00.000-05:00

I haven't been around here much lately because I have been a little under the weather. There have been some thoughts that have been haunting me and I need to get them out of my head and hope that maybe, just maybe, I'll find some answers as I pour them out here.

I just don't know how to be this person. The person that has lost 3 babies. The person that may seem okay on the outside, when in actuality, she is screaming on the inside.

I do know how to put on my plastic smile and pretend that I am okay and pick up the pieces and continue on. But, I also know that my plastic smile is fading and starting to crack.

How am I supposed to be both of these people while maintaining the person that I am? I am a person that is hurting on the inside, but doesn't want to show people just how bad. I am a person that holds her tongue when she just really wants to spit out the first thing that pops into her head when people are dumb. I am a person that knows she's a good person. I am a person that may never have a living child and is not okay with that. I am a person that enjoys being alone, but at the same time, likes to spend time with the people that she loves and cares about.

I know that I really, really, really don't want to be this woman that has gone through what I have ~ but, I have and I somehow have to find this new person inside that can peacefully co-exist with her alter-ego.

Damn, I really just don't know.

Realizations

2007-11-02T13:03:00.000-04:00

It never dawned on me just how hard going back to work would be on me; emotionally. Driving to work on my first shift back, I couldn't help but think " I'm not supposed to be doing this, I should be up this early with my 3 month old". But no, I was trekking my ass back to work after losing my second daughter to stillbirth. Can we say, freak??

I didn't realize just how much going through this experience for a second just really shot my already troubled self esteem down. To top it all off, one of the residents asked me if I had any children.....me not really wanting to get into it, said no. What does she say in response to this, you ask? "Gee, I think you're about the only one who doesn't have any children here". Can we say, ouch??

I just don't know if my plastic smile will hold up for another round of this crap. I have come to the conclusion that I only have so much strength and then it eventually weakens. I-CAN-ONLY-PRETEND-SO-MUCH.

The one thing that has truly snuck up on me is just how much I have changed through all of this. Stay tuned as I figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing, because at this very moment in time, I know that I have changed, but I can't quite put my finger on how just yet.

Bitch Session

2007-10-26T22:54:00.001-04:00

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The first and foremost thing that I would like to get off of my chest tonight is that I have been made aware that people in my life read my blog; expected, yes, but the thing that I have a problem with is that things that I have said here are for me to verbalize how I am feeling with no repercussions for anything that I may have said. Yes, I realize that if I didn't want you to read it, I wouldn't have sent you the link, but I tend to think of this as my diary of my personal thoughts and a way to unload ~ if you feel it necessary to bring things up that I may have said about you then please don't hold it against me for reading what I have written and taking offense to it.
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I am going back to work on Monday ~ yes, after 7 months of being off, I am back to the daily grind. Please send some positive vibes that I don't snap or break my back.
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I am a Facebook user and several women that I work with are as well ~ a certain woman that I have never really been able to tolerate much is now pregnant with her 2nd child and is due the 1st week of December. Sweet.....I only have to put up with her for a week when I get back. Things are looking up, right??!! Ummmm, no...no, they are not! Said woman is having a surprise baby shower being thrown at work the VERY-FREAKING-WEEK- THAT -I - GET-BACK. Yes, I was part of the mass private message that was sent to all of my other co-workers through Facebook. Lucky, lucky me.
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The post that I wrote about me feeling like an elephant in the room now has more drama dragged into it ~ apparently, the certain family member of said pregnant person told her that I was "putting all of my problems" on her. W-H-A-T???????? Needless to say, it sounds like I am apparently the bad guy here ~ you know, because I have had multiple pregnancy losses and because the certain family member can't deal with that, I'm the one that has to be made to feel bad. Uhhhh, no. Not going to happen. I cannot change who I am or what I have been through; if I could I wouldn't be here typing this out, now would I?
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I am still amazed at the amount of people that just don't get it. I know this is nothing new, but it amazes me and frustrates me every now and then.

2007-10-26T22:49:00.000-04:00

Last Saturday, we went to go and see our new fur baby ~ they are all just too cute!! Being only 3 weeks old, it was still too early to pick out the one that we wanted, but I thought that I would share a pic or 2 from the visit.

We will be going back the 2nd weekend of November to "officially" pick out the one that we want ~ yes, I'll have more pic's then!

2007-10-24T01:02:00.000-04:00

Is there an elephant in the room??!! Because I am definitely starting to feel that way lately. In no way shape or form has anyone directly in my life made me feel this way, but without naming names here, at a certain "event" this past weekend I literally felt like the elephant in the room.

And no, I am not referring to my weight. I am referring to the "let's pretend that Cass has never had any problems with any of her pregnancies while we pretend that every other pregnancy ends in a perfect fairy tale and while we are at it, let's shoot her pitiful looks and threatening looks if she thinks otherwise" kind of way. YUP, that's about it right there.

Come on people, I get that you worry about loved ones pregnancies, but I have never felt the way that I did that afternoon. Forgive me as I try to come up with the proper way to explain the way that I felt ~ I felt bad. I felt that way because I am the person ~ the walking horror story for pregnant women who know me and my "story". No, it's not contagious, so please don't feel that you need to keep your distance.

Guilt ~ yes, there's another way to describe the way that I felt. I actually felt guilty because I plan to be around and supportive. Guilty because I feel that people wonder how my past will affect said person.

And while I'm on a rant, why, oh why, do people continue to ask said person how I am doing? Yes, I get why they are asking, but do they feel that I have ulterior motives? Do they not think that I have a voice of my own and if I didn't feel okay with it, that I wouldn't speak up? And besides all that, why or what should it matter how I do feel anyways?

I'll say it again ~ I walk around on a daily basis feeling 100% completely uncomfortable in my own skin, why should I be even more uncomfortable because you can't handle what I have been through?

October 22, 2005 ~ Quinn's Due Date

2007-10-24T00:30:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I realized that it was Quinn's original due date and it was no wonder why I was feeling so under the weather. It's also no wonder why every July and October I feel generally "blah" ~ now, I have every March to include in the list of months to dread and hope to skip over. It's almost a subconscious reaction to hide these off days deep inside of me.

Strangely enough, my husband and I were talking and wondering about what it would be like to have our firstborn 2 year old daughter running around...........and we were smiling bitter sweetly. We both have always come to the conclusion that she would have taken on most of my features (poor girl!) ~ when we envision her as a toddler, we picture her resembling me when I was a child ~ generously curly red hair, brown eyes and chubby cheeks.

**SIGH**.....now that the bittersweet after taste has worn off, I am saddened knowing that we will just never know. I guess that's all we will ever have ~ visions, hopes and dreams.

2007-10-15T23:26:00.000-04:00

A CANDLE HAS BEEN LIT IN MEMORY OF ALL OF OUR ANGEL BABIES THAT WE HAVE LOST

OCTOBER 15 TH ~ PREGNANCY AND INFANT LOSS AWARENESS DAY

"A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes.Uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

~Author unknown ~

Coincidence??

2007-10-15T23:12:00.000-04:00

So, I have to ask.....why is it that when you are ready to confront someone with some feelings/thoughts (AKA~vent) something huge comes up and everything that you have wanted to say gets thrown out the freaking window??

Ok..so I realize that maybe not everybody holds things in like I do, so I guess the question is why does this keep happening to me??

Land of a 1,000 Why's

2007-10-11T23:14:00.000-04:00

This past week has been a poor-pity me week and my head is full of the anguishing and haunting "why's" ~ I HATE the why's; they suck.
This is where this handy dandy little blog comes in ~ time to clear out my head and rid these pesky little thoughts.

Why is it that I have to be the horror story to all women who are pregnant and have never had nor considered a loss?
Why can't my darling little girls be here with me, safe and warm?
Why can't I let go of things?
Why am I so damn sensitive?
Why do I have to face a possible future without a child?
Why won't my husband open up to the thought of adopting?
Why am I plagued daily with idiotic thoughts of getting pregnant again?
Why do I put on my plastic smile about 90% of the time?
Why can't I just tell it like it is? Should I really have to worry about hurting other people's feelings when they haven't considered mine?
Why does it seem that it truly does rain when it pours?
Why can't I have my naivety back? I miss it.
Why can't I be one of those women that accidentally get pregnant and have that perfect fairy tale ending?

I guess I know where this is all going ~ NOWHERE. Looking back at my edited version of my why's, I see that they all do have one answer ~ because I am that person; I have had losses. This is me and I somehow have to find a way to live like this person and adapt.

THIS BITES.

2007-10-11T23:11:00.000-04:00

I just thought that I would share some more puppy pic's!! These one's were just taken a few days ago...I can't wait to go and pic out our new l'il man! One more week!!

2007-10-09T16:36:00.000-04:00

The past few days I have felt as though my head is crammed full of thoughts, but at the same time, I can't come up with one thought to write out here.

The one thing that I do know for sure is that I am kind of panicking with the thought of going back to work. Yes, I have been off for almost 7 months and yes, I am looking forward to getting back into the swing of things and making some money. But, I am not looking forward to the "looks", the sympathy or the choosing of right words around me. Yes, I am sensitive to what people say, but I do not want people to walk on eggshells around me either. I can and do deal with my sensitivity of things said, but I hate it; absolutely cannot stand it when people feel they need to coddle me.

I'm a big girl; I've done this before, remember?!?

The thing that drives me absolutely nuts (and please, if you can offer any answers, please do!) is that I am sensitive to people's sympathy looks and whatnot, not in the I'm gonna break down and cry, but the I know you're doing it kind of way. Yes, I get it, people don't know what to say or do, so they feel comfortable saying nothing or something absolutely brainless just to make themselves feel better, but what about how uncomfortable I feel on a daily basis?

*ACK*

I guess this is something that I will have to either deal with or use it to my own advantage.

Another thing that has been on my mind is the fact that everyone that I have met through my losses are "moving on", so to speak. People are either pregnant or adopting ~ I can't help but feel left behind in a weird way. I am left alone to wonder if that will ever be me ~ will I ever get to call a child my own and will I ever get to hear a child call my husband and I, mommy and daddy?

I am trying hard to improve my outlook on the crappy circumstances of my life so far, but I can't shake the thoughts that are creeping into my head. I just want to feel normal...or as close to normal as I can possibly ever feel. I want to be comfortable with who I now am.

Puppy Pic

2007-10-02T18:57:00.001-04:00

Here is a picture of the pup's that we will be going to see in a few weeks ~ our new little man is somewhere in there! These were taken just yesterday ~ they are only 3 days old! Too cute not to show off!I can't wait to go and snuggle with them ~ I- NEED- SOME - PUPPY - LOVE!! LOL!

Gotta Love Irony

2007-10-01T00:49:00.000-04:00

Yesterday we got the call saying that our new pup has been born!!! I am so stinkin' excited!! But, we have to get a male ~ we were 4th in line for a girl and there were only 3.

The really ironic part is that we would have a girl, but the momma had 3 stillbirths. 1 was our girl. Story of my life, right? The weird thing is that I was half joking with my hubby and saying watch us be 4th in line for a girl puppy but the 4th one be born stillborn.............WEIRD!

Anyways, so we get to go and meet our new little man after October 20th ~ I can't wait! It looks like we are going to call him Crosby; yes, after Sidney Crosby! LOL!

2007-09-29T15:30:00.000-04:00

It is 6 months today that Peyton has been gone. It seems like an eternity and just like yesterday all at the same time.

I miss her so very much and I hope that her big sister, Quinn, is looking over her and holding her tightly for me.

Happy Birthday??!!??

2007-09-28T23:31:00.000-04:00

September 29th.....my birthday. 6 months ago, my 2nd angel daughter, Peyton, was born. It's no wonder that I don't feel excited about this. I have found that since losing Quinn, my birthday has always been a source of great inner disappointment.

While I do look forward to going out with friends and family, I can't help but feel crushed. If Peyton had been born into this world alive, she would be a touch over 2 months old; not dead for 6 months.

Like I mentioned in a previous post, my birthday always reminds me of the hopes and dreams that I had envisioned.....and they're gone. I was *supposed* to be a mother nearly 4 years ago, but this birthday brings me to the age of 29. Normally, an age that is still very young, but to me, right now, it feels very old.

I can't help but wonder what the next year will bring............................................................................
I guess I will pull up my socks from here and hope that I do, in fact, have a happy birthday.

Your Birthdate: September 29

You have the mind of an artist, even if you haven't developed the talent yet.
Expressive and aware, you enjoy finding new ways to share your feelings.
You often feel like you don't fit in - especially in traditional environments.
You have big dreams. The problem is putting those dreams into action.

Your strength: Your vivid imagination

Your weakness: Fear of failure

Your power color: Coral

Your power symbol: Oval

Your power month: November

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

I Am Now Amused!

2007-09-27T17:07:00.000-04:00

Like I have said before, these retro pic's always give me a giggle ~ I think that it's the sarcasm, and well, I am a sarcastic person by nature! 8-D

2007-09-27T11:48:00.000-04:00

Last night I had a rush of sad memories come flooding into my head. It all started out with me thinking (more like wondering) about when my husband is going to paint this room.

Then it hit me ~ I was thinking about the day that the 2 of us and my parents went out to look at and buy a stroller. I remember being so excited about this stroller...it made it all so real! Once it was assembled, both my husband and I took turns jaunting around the house like a pair of giddy kids ourselves and imagined Quinn being in it. The stroller sat in this room for a few weeks and every time I looked at it, I was in awe.

Now, when I look at it, I am in pain. It has sat down in the basement, covered in bags (clear ones at that) terrorizing me for the past few years. When I was pregnant with Peyton, it wasn't too evil, but still painful, nonetheless. Now I want to hurt and break it; it's perfection and it's never been used state hurts.

Along with the stroller memories came another set of memories ~ packing up all of the baby stuff. I remember it clearly; me taking an Ativan just to survive this feat, but it not really taking an edge off of the anger. My dad had bought two large bins and I threw everything into it ~ the new outfits, books, stuffed toys, bath stuff, the new diaper bag that I had just bought and with it, my hopes and dreams. And there in the corner of the room, sat the stroller. I wish that I could have fit that into a bin.

When I was pregnant with Peyton, I only ever bought one thing ~ a cute onesie from Old Navy. My mom bought a matching hat. That's it. But, those 2 things now sit in the bins as well. I guess I wanted to protect myself from the anger of packing up more baby stuff.

It is all so bittersweet now; when I think back to how naive I was when I was pregnant with Quinn. Now that's the thing that I hate most with pregnant women that haven't been through a loss ~ the naivety.

What Not to Say/Do

2007-09-27T11:25:00.001-04:00

In my "make lemonade" state, I had a rush of anger at some of the things that have been said/ done to me. Over the years, I have seen many "what not to say to a grieving parent" lists, so I thought that I would create my own; I guess more than anything to blow off some steam.

Don't expect me to care how other women's pregnancies are going....the truth is, I don't care; I have lost 2 children to stillbirth and my optimism is shot.

Don't tell me every little thing about these women's pregnancies ~ I know, I've been there, remember?!?

Don't expect anti-depressants to "fix" me ~ I highly doubt that I will ever be "fixed".

Don't keep telling me to talk to someone; it's called grief....let me go with it.

Do not give me the pity look; plain and simple, I hate it. I don't need any one's sympathy, I've got my own, thank you very much!

Don't think that because I don't talk about my girls that I'm okay....I will always think about my girls and perhaps I'm not talking about them because there is nothing that you can do about it.

If other people ask you how I am doing, tell them that I am fine; they don't need to know exactly how I'm doing. There are a few things that I like to keep private.

Don't ask me how I'm doing on a constant basis ~ if I feel like honestly telling you, I will. If I don't feel like talking about how I feel, I won't.

Don't try to find reason as to why this has happened ~ believe me, I've tried; over and over.

Well, I guess that's it for now.....just a little nugget of pent up anger! I wish that I could wear a sign or something; that way people will know up front what my limitations are.

I wish that people would get that I'm a changed person. I'm not the me I was even after losing Quinn, I'm different, accept it and don't try to change it.

2007-09-23T01:07:00.001-04:00

I am the first person to admit that I am addicted to Grey's Anatomy ~ I am most definitely not ashamed to admit that either! So, to fulfill my addiction, I went out and bought the 3rd season today and started to watch it.

And then....I got to the episode "Where the Boys Are"; the episode that features a young couple giving birth to their stillborn child. Yes, I forgot about that episode.

Talk about taking you back to all sorts of painful memories...... the first one is being told that your baby is dead. While I was watching it, I couldn't help but think, yes, it is in that split second that the world is ripped out right from underneath you. And then, while the woman is pushing the baby out, she has to stop and cry ~ I remember doing that with Quinn; not because of physical pain, but the mental anguish.

The last memory is the silence in the room....the unbearable silence.

It's always amazing when you watch these types of scenes on TV and you think back on the raw memories. The sad thing is that I think that they will always be fresh in our minds.

Oh, that hurt!

2007-09-22T17:18:00.001-04:00

Today in an effort to "kick grief's ass", I went through the bins ~ you know, the bins that hold all of the baby things that my daughter's should have been using by now. In other words, the bins that hold my hopes and dreams.

Let's fast forward to the point when I was angrily rummaging through things and I came across the border and the decals that I was going to use to decorate the nursery with. Care Bears. Those stupid, happy, colourful and annoying little Care Bear faces were looking at me; taunting me.

It's the Care Bears that get me ~ I spent A LOT of time and money looking for these things. And, I had to have them all shipped to my aunt's house in California because Amazon.com didn't ship to Canada. Not only does it make me incredibly sad that I never got to have the dream nursery, but I myself, adore these cute little things and now I hate them. I hate that they now represent everything that I lost and am missing.

I am sitting here typing this out in the room that should be the nursery; 3 times over to be exact. But no, there is new flooring in here (yes, another source of inner resentment) and we are soon going to be painting it something "bright and cheerful". Neutral yellow. Not the pinks and purples that are sitting in paint cans downstairs in the basement. Yellow.

When Life Hand You Lemons....

2007-09-21T23:05:00.000-04:00

.....MAKE LEMONADE!!

And that is exactly what I am going (er, planning) on doing as I kick grief's ass all over the place! I have had it. I am done, done, done! Actually, what I might do is throw the lemons back, I don't want them!

Adios Amigo!

2007-09-20T18:04:00.001-04:00

I was just reading some quotes by Maya Angelou; what a very intelligent woman. She gets it. These 2 quotes are my favourites :

“I can be changed by what happens to me; but I refuse to be reduced by it.”

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”

I love the first quote and in my attempt to kick grief's ass, I will live by those words. I, myself am sick of the person that I have become and the person that I feel I am becoming, so to stop the process I am throwing in the towel at grief, so to speak. And by that I mean, I am letting grief *think* that it won, but it really didn't ~ I won because I'm not letting it get the best of me. I can't. I won't.

So grief, you and I have become well acquainted over these past few years and we became really close these past few months, but it's time I leave you. This is not a good relationship ~ it's not you, it's me. It's time that we both move on with our lives; you have to let me spread my wings.

Pity Party for One?

2007-09-19T22:20:00.000-04:00

Tonight I'm just not sure how to put into words what I am thinking, so tonight I am going point form:

My husband ran into a friend who's girlfriend had a baby back in February. He has, since then, avoided him; understandable, we all do it. The other night said friend called and I was told not to pick up the phone for the kazillionth time; I asked him if he wasn't talking to him because he was envious of the fact that he had the one thing that he wanted. Of course, he said yes. So, today he runs into him and they talk about how they didn't want to come around "to spare my feelings"; sweet and all, but not necessary. Seriously! It would be different if the baby was a girl that was due within a few weeks of when Peyton was due, but that is most certainly not the case. I can't help but be a little mad at my husband ~ for not being honest and saying that it was him that was uncomfortable.

Lately, I can't stop the what should be's from clouding my thoughts; they suck and I want them to get the hell away for now. Plain and simple.

I'm frustrated with myself ~ I want to be a tiny little fragment of the person I was before and I try to make small efforts at it, but they seem futile. I guess I can now say that I still have my sense of humour (albeit, tainted) and my outer shell looks the same (albeit, fatter). I know that past the raw anger there is a sensitive, kind and very compassionate girl, but that girl is wedged between pain and sympathy ~ she'll have to wait to come out and play.

A few weeks ago, my dad asked me if I wanted to be a mother that badly ~ the one thing that I know for sure is that I need to be a mom; there's a difference. And with that being said, now all I can focus on is how all of this affects my self esteem : how can I feel good about myself when I am a failure and I feel incomplete? I don't feel like a woman for the same reasons.

With the previous point in mind, I can't ignore the harsh ache in my heart and throat when my mom talks about being a grandmother or my sister talks about being an aunt. Not specifically to me or about me, but nonetheless, it hurts to know that I have failed them too.

I guess I'll take this party elsewhere and wallow in some ice cream. That has got to be good for the soul!

Who is This?

2007-09-18T15:10:00.000-04:00

This is me. This is me before. This is me before I ever knew what sorrow really meant. This picture was taken almost 5 years ago ~ a day filled with hopes and dreams of a future that we never could have imagined together. Yes, we are happily married, but as 2 separate people we are not happy.

I find myself stopping and staring at the "before" pictures; I guess just searching for a flicker of knowledge of future pain. But there never is a flicker - just happiness. Blind happiness. Even worse, naive happiness. God, what a frustrating thought!

More frustrating is when my husband tells me that he wishes I could be the person I used to be.....key words : used to be. I'll admit, so do I! I used to be someone who always smiled, laughed and enjoyed the more simple things in life. I - USED - TO - BE - FUN.

Now, you'd be lucky if you get a smile, a joke or even a laugh out of me without bribing me. I knew that my losses would change me, but damn, I liked the girl I was before. I don't even know this girl.

4 Years

2007-09-15T22:00:00.001-04:00

As I edge closer and closer to my 29th birthday I can't help but feel angry (yes, I know, not a shock to many). You see, I had always said to myself that I would be a mother by the age of 25; when that came and went, I was okay with the fact that I wasn't at that time. Now as I think about this 4 years later and everything that I have been through, deep disappointment is creeping in.

It's all so bittersweet as people (dumb people, if you ask me) tell me that I am still young; I can try again. Yes, 29 is still very young, but it seems old to me when I already surpassed my goal years ago without truly realizing it. And yes, I can try again, but how much more am I willing to sacrifice (mentally) just to have a living, breathing, screaming child in my arms? Don't get me wrong, I want a child more than anything in the world, but at what price? All three of my losses have been un-explained; how easily can I literally jump back in the sack and throw all caution to the wind? I honestly do think that if there was some sort of answer as to why I lost the girls, it would help guide me along in this journey.

So, I sit here......waiting. Waiting for some stroke of luck that either an answer will drop in my lap or that my husband will decide to adopt ~ 2 things that I don't see coming my way any time soon.

This is all so damn frustrating! It seems that I have been waiting my whole damn life, but at the same time watching life slip on by.

Laughing at Myself

2007-09-15T13:41:00.000-04:00

It occurred to me last night that I am pretty obsessed with a new puppy that we haven't even seen yet ~ it won't even be born for another 3 more weeks and who knows when we will be able to see it after that!

I had to chuckle to myself though, because it's almost like I went about this as though I am adopting a baby. I spent hours upon hours on the net trying to find a breeder, made about 2 handfuls of phone calls to some, and I am now looking around at cute little "accessories". I guess the large part of me that needs something to love and nurture is taking over me ~ I get an instant "high" when I think about going to see the pup for the first time. AND, I plan on creating a blog for my dog and his new sister.....

I am pathetic. *SIGH*

2007-09-14T16:46:00.000-04:00

Just had to share ~ I love these types of posters! I have a magnet that a friend bought me after my m/c; it's the same pin-up style and it says " It's been fun, but I have to scream now".

The sarcasm in them always gives me a chuckle...figured someone else out there must have the same sense of humour that I do too!

My, oh my, what a wonderful day! Zippity do da, zippity day!

2007-09-13T15:31:00.000-04:00

I am SO excited! Ottawa's BFO is having their Walk To Remember on October 13th!! For those of you who don't know why this means so much to me ~ October 15th is known as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and not too many places around here do these types of walks; let alone, recognize the day itself. I am excited to be a part of this as I had/have been wishing for something like this to come along since I lost Quinn.

I will be walking in memory of my girls (as long as I'm not working that day ;) ) as well as my husband. I have printed off the pledge form and will most likely be scrounging up some pledges!
I'M SO EXCITED! WOO HOO!!

Being "that girl"

2007-09-13T12:03:00.000-04:00

There is something that I have wanted to write about since I first started blogging here and it is something that I feel really quite defensive and sensitive about ~ being "that girl". You know, the poor girl "who lost her babies, let's give her pitiful looks and watch what we say around her; we don't want to make her upset". And it's not only being that person that makes me feel uncomfortable, but how people in your life make you feel it even more. I mean, come on already, I walk around being uncomfortable on a daily basis, so why should I feel more uncomfortable because you are? ARGH!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I have decided to edit what I said ~ I am a person that does not like confrontations or do I like being confrontational. I guess a large part of me wanted to be.

For those that didn't get to read what I had originally wrote, I will sum it up for you ~ basically, I do not appreciate my grief being used as an excuse for people to get out of doing things or being played up more than it is. I do not appreciate people playing on my grief ~ when it all comes down to it, it's mine. I'll do with it as I see fit!

I also don't appreciate being put into situations where I need to be more uncomfortable than I already am ~ if something makes you uncomfortable to deal with ~ you be uncomfortable. I'm done.

2007-09-12T23:23:00.000-04:00

It occurred to me earlier that if you don't know me, you probably don't know what has been going on with me and what I have been "up" to since losing Peyton.

Well, here goes nothing! Since I found out that Peyton was growing smaller than expected back in mid-March, I have been off work. It was the day that I found out that I needed an amnio, that I decided that I wouldn't be returning back to work. I work in a heavy nursing home and I didn't want to push my luck by continuing to work there until the middle of May.

Let's rewind back to the middle of February when my husband had a bad Chron's flare up (he has an ileostomy) and was admitted into the hospital. So, not only was he not there for the news that Peyton was growing small, but he wasn't with me to hold my hand at the amnio either. A few days after the amnio, he was released and all was "good" ~ by good, I mean Greg was *ok* for the time being until he needed surgery and the results from the amnio had come back perfectly normal.

March 26, we found out that Peyton had died and 2 days later we were back at the hospital to deliver her.

So, after losing Peyton, my attention went quickly back to the poor health of my husband (he had abscesses that were rupturing through his skin, but more were forming inside of him, which were forming because of a fistula in his bowel). After one mishap, he was in for surgery in mid- May and was in the hospital for another 2 week stretch.

In June, I was finally able to step back, relax and start to grieve, but by then, I was too far gone and just plain miserable that I sought help from my doctor. I was on anti-depressants for almost 3 months ~ life was great, I hardly felt any pain; I was N-U-M-B. Not really liking the fact that I was still off of work over 4 months later and not really having the ability to focus on what I was going through, I weaned myself off of them so that I could allow myself to just feel the pain and *try* to deal with it head on. Yet again, not a wise choice ~ I have spent the last month going from super bitch to sobbing uncontrollably, having no interest in anything. ANYTHING. My mind was clear ~ I was in severe emotional pain.

Today, I went back to see my doctor and I am back on a different type of anti-depressants (UGH!) and I am still off of work. I am actually ok with being off as I know that I am not ready to deal with a few of the people that I work with and I guess, to be honest, I am just not ready to be *that* person.

I would say that that is my life in a nutshell, but I'm more apt to say that it's more like a maze right now.

Note to self : never, I repeat, NEVER, delay the inevitable. It really does turn around to bite you in the ass in the end.

Some good news!

2007-09-12T16:19:00.000-04:00

My friend Pauline (who I hope doesn't mind that I am sharing this news here! :D) has adopted her second baby boy!!! I am so excited for her ~ I only wish that I could describe just how happy I am for her! We originally met on SG when I joined after losing Quinn; we e-mailed back and forth for a while and it wasn't until a few months ago that we first met. She has been through the same losses that I have (her stillborn boys were further along than my girls were, mind you) and I feel that I can talk to her about anything; especially my crazy thoughts! She has been so sweet to me and I only hope that I can return the favour to her.

CONGRATULATIONS, PAULINE!

Second in happy news, we found a breeder for our puppy!!!! The momma is due in about 3 weeks and we will hear from the woman then ~ I am so stinkin' excited! I can rest now and start a new obsession ;).

Awwww!

2007-09-11T14:31:00.000-04:00

How can the sight of these little babes not melt you to pieces? I bet you did say "Awwww" when you saw it...come on, I know you did!
This is my latest obsession ~ trying to find a breeder that is close to where I live. AND for one that will have a little girl that will be ready to come home with us before Christmas. Yes, she will be our Christmas gift to each other (they certainly cost enough!). We are hoping to get a yellow one, but our second choice is a chocolate one...I think that if we get the opportunity to see some, we won't be too picky!
So, if I have done my job right, I have made you smile! Task accomplished!

PS ~ Be sure to check out the poll that I have going ~ we are already trying to name the puppy that we don't even have. *Rolls eyes*

"She just has to feel it " - Sex and the City

2007-09-10T10:32:00.000-04:00

Those of you who know me well, you know that I love Sex and the City. Out of pure boredom and depression, I have been watching the complete series (I am now in the 6th season for the 100th time). The last episode that I watched last night was the one where Charlotte finally gets pregnant, to miscarry the baby within days of knowing that she was with baby. At a birthday party for her one year old, Miranda asks Charlotte's husband (Harry) about how Charlotte is doing (having just miscarried, Charlotte was not at the party). Harry just responds with worry about his wife, and Miranda says "She just has to feel it". Absolute genius. I don't know why, but at the time not only was I wishing that someone would/could tell me that, but I wish(ed) that I could JUST - FEEL - IT.

I don't know if it's because I do have a been there, done that attitude towards grief and grieving the loss of my 2nd child to stillbirth, but I just can't feel it. Yes, there are times when I could sit and cry and cry for hours; yes, there have been *maybe* a handful of times when I have, but when am I going to get that hurt-right down to your bones, kind of feeling? Yes, I hurt, but not like I want to. Does that make sense? Is it because I have been there and done that already? Is it because I know what to expect out of grief? Is my anger just getting in the way?

I do wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I have had constant "obstacles" during this period? And by obstacles, I mean, my husband being really sick before, during and after losing Peyton. Of course, I was more concerned about his welfare than I was about my feelings ~ yes, months later, I felt the consequences of delaying the grief. Quickly after his recovery, my dr. put me on anti-depressants; they worked. They worked too good ~ I was numb, so numb in fact, that I hardly thought about anything....ANYTHING. So, not liking that and knowing that it's not good to run from grief, I was weaned off of them.

And here I am ~ HERE - I - AM. I know that I am not "better"; I know that 5 and a half months later, there is no way that I am better.

I guess I have to allow myself to just feel it.

I'm Emptying My Closet

2007-09-10T09:21:00.000-04:00

It's offical ~ I am selling my maternity clothes on EBay. This is something that I have been thinking about doing for a little bit now and every single penny of what I make off of them will go towards the "New Puppy Fund"; but it hurts. It hurts A LOT. I don't know if it hurts more because the majority of them still have the tags on them or have never been worn, or if it hurts even more that I spent alot of time and money on them.

Oh, I know...it hurts that once again, it signifies my failures. My failure to bring a child into this world, kicking and screaming; not a dead one. I succeed very well at bringing those into the world. **Ok Cass...don't go down that road this early in the morning ~ you haven't even had a full cup of coffee yet!**

*SHAKES HEAD* With my pregnancy with Peyton, I felt frumpy; so I went to an actual maternity store that sold plus sizes as well. They had nice, comfy and hip jeans and shirts that I could wear and be pregnant? SWEET! Instantly, I was in love. And, almost instantly after that, I lost Peyton. So, here we are ~ me whining about having to sell these clothes. I know that some of you may be thinking "Why does she have to sell them then ~ she could quit whining!"; well, you see, I could hang on to them in hopes that I will be pregnant someday, but I know I won't. Would I love to be? ABSOLUTELY. But, the reasonable and realistic side of me knows that I never will feel the thumps and twirls of another baby inside of me. I know that I can never walk down that road again, put my heart on my sleeve and not know what will happen.

Some of you may or may not know this but, when we lost Quinn and Peyton, there were never any answers. NOTHING. So, no, there are no possibilities of me trying to bring another child into this world. That's why this hurts ~ it makes this all so final.

Silly Quizzes

2007-09-09T20:43:00.000-04:00

Your Attitude is Better than 40% of the Population

You have a positive attitude... somtimes. You prefer to see the world through clear glasses, not rose colored ones.

How's Your Attitude?

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Black Comedy

In your life, things are so twisted that you just have to laugh.
You may end up insane, but you'll have fun on the way to the asylum.

Your best movie matches: Being John Malkovich, The Royal Tenenbaums, American Psycho

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

HA! Not much to say about that, now is there?!

Death ....shmeath

2007-09-08T22:19:00.001-04:00

In a perfect world, death does not scare me; I can say that I don't like it when it happens inside of me, but nonetheless, I am not afraid to die. I have a few friends that I can talk openly and honestly about it and no one gets emotional or scared to talk about it. I do work in a nursing home where it happens, I guess that has also helped my thoughts and feelings towards it change.

My first experience with death was when I was in grade 8(I was 12-ish), my grandfather died. I was sad, but at the same time I knew that he was in a better place than where he was; suffering and fading away before our eyes due to a rare disease. My second experience with death was when I was in high school (I was 16-ish), 2 girls that I had gone to school with had both been struck and killed by a train. This experience shook me to my very core ~ how could that have happened to 2 young girls? And by a train nonetheless? Even today, 12 years later, I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I hear a train whistle blow.

My third experience with death was my other grandfather; now almost 6 years ago. It was quick and he was in a palliative care unit, so I never feared that he was in any pain. Once again, I had no problems walking up to his coffin and putting a harmonica in the tiny little drawer of his casket that was just above his lifeless hands.

Since we all know what my next 2 experiences with death were, I won't go into those details. For those of you who know me in real life, you have already heard of me seeing my girls and for those of you who have been through this, you know the drill ~ unfortunately. These last 2 experiences obviously shook me to my very core ~ but in such a different and much more dramatic way. Since I have never really been afraid to die, knowing that I have 2 girls waiting for me in the after world only makes the idea so much more beautiful.

No, I am not going to kill myself, just in case that is what you are/were thinking; but I guess what I am trying to say is that when it is my time, I now no longer worry about what will happen afterwards, but I embrace the idea of seeing my girls again.

Woo Hoo!

2007-09-08T13:17:00.000-04:00

YAY!!! I did it ~ I managed to get this blog back into order! Mind you, there are still a few kinks, but I for the most part, have put it all back together! I'm sorry that the comments had to be left behind, but them's the break's, I guess!

Random Rambling

2007-09-08T12:55:00.000-04:00

(Originally posted on Friday, September 7, 2007)
NOTE: This is a ramble post, so I feel that this deserves point form.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

~* I have been noticing that I have become quite cynical the further along I get in the grieving process. So am I now the eternal pessimist (I have been known to call myself this on occasion), or am I just a realist? I say realist because I am now realistic about the "finer" points in life (ie: pregnancy).

~* With me becoming more and more cynical, I notice that I spend a fair amount of time on the phone bitching about people and their stupidity. Dare I ask... am I cynical or just sensitive to what people say?

~* Speaking of being too sensitive to what people say ~ why is that? Why do we (and by we, I mean those that have been through a pregnancy loss) feel the need to get our shackles up over something petty that someone has said? After all, these people are (in my opinion) just clueless as to the hurt that we feel each and every single day, so why do we find ourselves in this situation? I know that I am not the only out there that goes through this!

~* With these realizations that I made, I tried to make a positive post to show that I can be happy, but lo and behold, I am bitching.....ARGH!

~* Speaking of bitching ~ last week, I was attacked (and by attack, I mean stung..once) by a bee on my eyelid. Ok..no problem, I went inside, iced my eye, made sure that the stinger was out and then slightly panicked about the large amount of swelling that was rising by the second. My hubby was great and went into town and bought me some Benadryl to stop the itching...fast forward to the next morning, I awake to the hopeful thoughts of a normal eye ~ HAHAHAHA! Now there's a joke! My eye (if I can call it that anymore) is now swollen almost completely shut and I have a shiner circling the lid and an inch underneath the eye. Fast forward even more, 4 days to be exact, we have tickets to go and see Phantom of the Opera and for the first time that week, my eye looks normal and I can actually leave the house now! And lets fast forward once more, shall we? Today ( as in almost 2 weeks later) I awake to a constant need/urge to scratch the ever loving snot out of my cheek. WTH? Now, as I sit here typing, my cheek is swollen (see, cheek implants) and I am back to icing, but not my eyelid. I give up!

~* Oh...I have a positive thing to say!!! Duke, is getting a sister! Yes, Greg and I have decided that he needs a playmate! Correction, I have decided that I need someone/something to muckle on to and nurture and what a better way to share my love, but with another puppy! She is going to be our Christmas gift to each other and she is going to be a pure-bred yellow lab! I am so freakin' excited!!

Ok, now that I am smiling, I am going to call it quits for the night. How's that for positive? ;)

2007-09-08T12:49:00.000-04:00

(Originally posted on Friday, September 7, 2007)
For those of you who have ever read Marley and Me; meet Duke! No, Duke isn't THAT bad, but he certainly has a few similarities. He loves the "evader" game and he does play submarine with his nose in the water; but most importantly, he makes me smile!

Duke is like the perfect man ~ loyal,sweet, attentive and very affectionate. When I am crying my heart out on the couch, he will come from wherever he was (most likely the bed!), plunk his butt almost right on my lap and just look at me with the sweetest puppy eyes ever. How can that not cheer a person up instantly! Mind you, instead of giving me a kleenex to wipe my tears up, he will use his tongue....but hey, at least he has managed to cheer me up, right??!
Anyways, I just wanted you all to meet Duke ~ now when I talk about Duke (AKA ~my
baby), you will know who I am talking about.

SHRUG

2007-09-08T12:44:00.000-04:00

(Originally posted on Thursday, September 6, 2007)
After my last blog entry last night and then reading the comments that I got, I got to thinking about a silent promise that I had made to myself after I lost Peyton. The silent promise was that I was going to "properly utilize" my anger ~ you know....the kind of anger that takes hold of you that you don't know what to do with? I had promised myself that I would end up with a pretty "mosaic" table that was produced by the tiny shards of glass that I broke from breaking plates as a result of releasing my anger. But, yes, that pretty little table is no where to be found.

*SHRUG*

I also had plans for a beautiful steel bat that a friend of mine was going to give to me and take out my anger on a certain tree in my yard. Said tree is now laying in several pieces throughout my yard....BUT, it wasn't cut into pieces at the hands of this beautiful steel bat either.

*SHRUG*

Oh...ok...I mine as well add another disappointment to my long list of short-comings ~ I had told myself and several other concerned parties that I was going to talk to someone on a professional level. And, you guessed it! I still haven't made that phone call either.
Why can't I seem to find any of these outlets for my anger? Is it because it's so far deep down inside of me? Is it that I'm afraid to unleash this scary beast?

No More Heavy Lifting

2007-09-08T12:37:00.000-04:00

(Originally posted Thursday, September 6, 2007)
I was talking to a friend tonight about how this blog wasn't exactly "uplifting"; in her usual quick wit (you know who you are) she simply said " it's time that you let someone else do the heavy lifting"......*GASP*.......*GASP*.........*GASP*........

~ THANK YOU...thank you from the bottom of my heart! You got it! You got it when no one else seems to ~ not even me.

You see, right now I am in what I like to call PSM (Plastic Smile Mode) and I am hating every single second of it. I am drowning my own feelings, thoughts and beliefs just so that I can please others. WHY? It certainly doesn't make me feel better and how in the world am I going to feel better if I am choking back what I really want to do?

What I *really* want to do is scream; scream that I hurt just as much as I did less than 6 months ago. Scream that I drag my feet into every new day that I enter.

So....alas, a new motto ~ no more heavy lifting! If I do decide to lift something, I will be smart and not lift with my back ;)

Moving Forward

2007-09-08T12:32:00.000-04:00

(Originally posted on Tuesday, September 4, 2007)
....just 2 words, but packed with a lot of punch. A sucker punch right to the gut, actually.

Moving forward: I guess that is what I'm *supposed* to be doing. Those 2 words are the name of a board at SG that have been haunting me for a while now.......moving......forward. Hmmmm.

I guess that if one was to be "moving forward", that could be taken as one moving on as well, right? I hesitate to actually get into this post as I just can't find the words; tears come easier.

You see, moving forward to me is saying that I am going on with my life without a child; a LIVING child. That idea hurts me more than anyone can know ~ not friends, not family, not even Greg. It means that I have been through so much pain and hurt in the past 3 years to just "move forward". I guess that I am expected to just drop the idea of ever becoming a mother and be ok with that??!!! Ummmm, NO! How can I go from being so close to having 2 children and becoming a mother to this?

Here is a brief little note from history ~ girl meets boy. Boy and girl get married. Boy decides that he doesn't want any children; girl does. VERY MUCH. Girl spends a year hurting because of this and hoping that boy will change his mind. Boy does eventually change mind; they start to try to have a baby. 3 months later, they are pregnant! 3 months later, they miscarry. 5 months later, they are pregnant again! 6 and a half months later, they are no longer pregnant. A year and some odd months later, they are pregnant again! 5 and a half months later, they are no longer pregnant. Girl still very much wants to be called mommy; boy has already given up on the parent track. Boy doesn't want to adopt. Boy and girl have been offered surrogacy. Boy doesn't feel right about it.

I rest my case, but ask one question ~ where am I supposed to go from here?

A Grieving Parent Is..

2007-09-08T12:30:00.000-04:00

(Originally posted on Wednesday, June 13, 2007)
A grieving parent is someone who will never forget their child no matter how painful memories are.
A grieving parent is someone who yearns to be with their dead but cannot conceive leaving their living ones.
A grieving parent is someone who has part of a heart as the rest is buried with their child.
A grieving parent is someone who begs for relief from the memories which plague them and then feels guilty when they get it.
A grieving parent is someone who pretends to be happy and enjoying life when they really are dying inside.
A grieving parent is someone who can cry or laugh at the drop of a hat whenever they remember their beloved child.
A grieving parent is some who feels as if they just lost their child yesterday no matter how much time has passed.
A grieving parent is someone who fears for their remaining family because they cannot bear to have any more losses.
A grieving parent is someone who sits by their child's gravestone and feels a knife stabbing their heart.
A grieving parent is someone who wants to help others who have lost loved ones because somehow their loss is theirs all over again.
~ Judy Skapnik ~

The Wall ~AKA ~ GRIEF

2007-09-08T12:24:00.000-04:00

(Originally posted on Wednesday, June 13, 2007)
You are walking along fine with everyone else and the sun is shining and all is going OK and then you walk SLAM into a brick wall. And it hurts - really hurts. It hurts your head and your chest where your heart is and your stomach. And it shocks you as only slamming into a brick wall can. Stops you dead in your tracks. And you stand there thinking "How did I not see that coming? what the h£ll happened? How could someone just do that to me?" And you look around and everyone else seems to be walking round the wall. They are carrying on like nothing has happened and the sun is still shining for them. They don't even see the wall. They don't even know it's there. And you realize you didn't even know it was there until you hit it - you don't even know there was a brick wall you could hit - not now, not at this stage. And slowly you pull yourself together. The pain in your stomach goes away but your heart still hurts and your mind is racing with questions about the brick wall - how, what, where, why?? Mostly why? Why on earth would someone make you walk into this wall - why did they have to put it in front of you and no-one else? And you can walk again now the pain in your stomach and maybe your legs has subsided. So you slowly make your way round the wall and to the other side. But it doesn't look the same on the other side. It's greyer and emptier. And you know you have left something behind - something very precious and you want it back. So you turn round and there is the brick wall behind you and it seems to hit you with the same force again when you realize you can't go back. It's blocking your path and it will always be there. You pummel your fists on it and cry and shout at it but it's unbreakable and absolute. It won't let you get your precious bundle back - that has to stay on the other side and you must go on without it. You can't go back to the path you were on before you hit the brick wall - it's impossible. So all you can do is go forward and walk on from it. But it's hard going and your legs don't seem to want to walk away from it. You know that when you look over your shoulder it will always be there. It may fade a bit from view but if you look closely you will always be able to see it - even in the distance. And you look around you again and see all the people who never hit the brick wall and they sympathize - it must have hurt they say. You are looking well despite hitting this brick wall - you have no cuts or bruises on the outside because those heal. So you must be doing OK then now they say. But my wounds are on the inside you feel like screaming. How can you not know about this brick wall - why couldn't you walk into it instead of me? And then you feel bad - you know you wouldn't really want anyone else to walk into that wall. Some people are OK - maybe they have seen the wall themselves in the past or come close to it - maybe they are really good friends and family who close their eyes and do try to imagine walking into the wall. They are the ones who help you walk away from it. People tell you that you'll never hit this brick wall again - it only appears once in your life. And you want to believe them even though you can't be sure. Up ahead it looks like maybe your path does cross into the sunshine again - the same sunshine everyone else is basking in. And you can just maybe make out another bundle waiting for you to pick up and carry with you for the rest of your life. And maybe if you're strong and keep moving forward then you'll reach it one day. But it's not the same bundle as before - it can't be. That one is behind the wall. The wall that's always there if you look over your shoulder. And written on it forever more is the message in letters a mile high, that only you can see - "My darling baby. RIP".
Author~ Racheal Butterworth

The Cemetery

2007-09-08T12:02:00.000-04:00

(Originally posted on Sunday, June 10, 2007)
If I had been told years ago that I would obsess over what to bring down to my daughter's grave, I would tell you that you were nuts ~ but to my great displeasure, I now know that this is my life. Greg and I have agreed that we never feel that what we do take there is "perfect"; I wish that this was something that I could explain, but I guess we still need to fulfill our need to be parents.

Since it had been a while since we had gone to visit her, we decided that we would get her grave prettied up for the summer ~

The wind chimes tinkled beautifully as we cleaned up her stone ~ what a soothing sound! We also wanted to have a picture of Peyton with her~

We both had a heart wrenching moment while we were there; a new site was dug up and waiting for it's future occupant just to the left of Quinn's. We both remembered how hard it was to drive up to the cemetery on the day of her funeral behind the hearse that carried her tiny little casket and then to walk up to her freshly dug gravesite. I remember clearly wanting to jump in there with her after Greg lowered her in himself ~ that is an image that will forever cling to my mind and Greg will never forget how hard it was to do that to his firstborn daughter.
*SIGH*

Ramblings of a Mad Woman

2007-09-08T11:59:00.000-04:00

(Originally posted on Wednesday, June 6, 2007)
Before, during and after losing Peyton, my main and only focus was on Greg and his health. So now, I find myself feeling the true extent of my pain of losing my 2nd daughter to stillbirth. Please bear with me as I get some true feelings out ~

~I may be smiling on the outside, but on the inside I am crying ~ my plastic smile has been perfected after many years of use.
~I am stunned and horrified that this is now my life.
~I am sad, hurt, shocked, and downright angry......
~......yes, the anger that I don't know what to do with or how to deal with.....
~I am dumbfounded by what people talk to me about.
~I cannot stand the fact that I am right back to square one with my grief ~ I was doing so good after losing Quinn.
~I wish that I could describe just how I feel about myself ~ the truth is, it would scare you.
~I am so sick of people's stupid comments ~ yes, Peyton may have been sick, do you not think that I would still love her just the same??! If everything does happen for a reason, why then, did I lose 2 children with no explainable reason? Time heals all wounds......BULLSHIT! The truth is that these comments get people no where....so why bother? It certainly doesn't make me feel any better
~I wish that I couldn't be "that" person just for one day.
~I wish that when I look at any pictures of myself taken before July of 2005 weren't so hard to look at ~ the happy times; when I didn't know what pain lie ahead for me.

Phew, that's better for now...I will return with some more rambling; I have got a ton more where that came from.

NORMAL??!!

2007-09-08T11:57:00.000-04:00

(Originally posted on Sunday, May 20, 2007)
This is an interesting look at how things quickly change and how our "new" normal affects our lives.

~ Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

~Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, and Easter.

~ Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.

~ Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.

~ Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

~ Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

~ Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

~ Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

~ Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

~ Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

~ Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and her birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

~ Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

~ Normal is making sure that others remember her.

~ Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

~ Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

~ Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

~ Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.

~ Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

~ Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.

~ Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

~ Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

~ Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.

~ Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

~ Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

~ Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.

~ Normal is sizing someone up in 5 seconds flat when they ask how many children I have. If I feel that they can handle the horrible truth, then I tell them, but if I feel that they won't be able to, than I save my words and feel so hurt that I didn't mention my girls.

~ Normal is avoiding McDonald's and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.

~ Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.

~ Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

~ And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

I don't think that people truly realize just how much our lives change after a loss like this...some days are more heartbreaking than others.

Our 2nd Angel ~ Peyton Ann Marie

2007-09-08T11:51:00.001-04:00

(Originally posted on Tuesday, May 15, 2007)
Peyton is our second angel ~ once again, she had my feet and her dad's hands. We spent about an hour with her just staring at this perfect little being and holding and loving her. These are her hand and footprints~

This is my absolute favourite ultrasound pic of her ~ she was sassy even in my womb! Notice that she is doing the "loser" sign"!

We decided to have her cremated as there was no way that we could go through the pain of burying yet another child. This is her urn~

When I found out that we had lost her as well, a large part of me died with her ~ losing Quinn, I was able to build myself back up piece by piece, but hearing those words again "I'm sorry, but there is no heartbeat...." just tore my heart to pieces. It felt like someone punched me right in the gut....I know that I will never be the same again.

Our 1st Angel ~ Quinn Catherine Valerie

2007-09-08T11:42:00.000-04:00

(Originally posted on Tuesday, May 15, 2007)
Quinn was our first angel~ she, like her little sister had my feet and Greg's hands! It was amazing and so incredibly heartbreaking to see the similarities....these are her hand and footprints ~

I have a box that is filled with the blanket that she was wrapped in, her pictures, a hat that was given to us at the hospital and other precious keepsakes.

We had Quinn buried at St.Francis Xavier Cemetery in town ~ her funeral was held on July 28. Greg and I and our father's were her pallbearers; the third hardest thing that I ever had to do. Greg read a beautiful poem and then lowered his little girl into the ground...there are no words that I can use to describe that sight. Here is a picture of her gravesite and headstone ~

The poem that Greg read ~

IN MEMORY OF QUINN CATHERINE VALERIE COOPER

YOU NEVER SAID I’M LEAVING
YOU NEVER SAID GOODBYE
YOU WERE GONE BEFORE WE KNEW IT,AND ONLY GOD KNEW WHY
A MILLION TIMES WE NEEDED YOU
A MILLION TIMES WE CRIED
IF LOVE ALONE COULD HAVE SAVED YOU,
YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE DIED
IN LIFE WE LOVED YOU DEARLY
IN DEATH WE LOVE YOU STILL
IN OUR HEARTS YOU HAD A PLACE,
THAT NO ONE COULD EVER FILL
IT BROKE OUR HEARTS TO LOSE YOU,
BUT YOU DIDN’T GO ALONE
FOR PART OF US WENT WITH YOU,
THE DAY GOD TOOK YOU HOME.

OUR LITTLE ANGEL QUINN, TAKEN FROM US JULY 21/05

Peyton's Autopsy Results and Testing

2007-09-08T11:40:00.000-04:00

(Originally posted on Thursday May 10, 2007)
.......and nothing, nada, zip ~ there are no answers. Yet again.......

I really don't have any words....just tears . I was *hoping* that there *might* be an answer b/c of all the other testing that was done, but once again, there is no answer to be had . I started to cry when he told us and he said that it is a good thing that I don't have any underlying issues and all I could say was that it would have been nice to have some type of answer as to why my girls died . So, now this marks the end of my pregnancy days I guess ~ there is NO way that I would to put my heart out there once again and there is no way that I could go ahead and do that to another baby of mine and not know what the outcome may be .

I just don't know what to do.....this has hit me pretty d*mn hard.........what a week this is going to be with her memorial service and mother's day coming up to slap me in the face even more.