I think that I may just go absolutely crazy during this pregnancy. I am waiting to go for an ultrasound on Tuesday, but I feel like I am waiting for a death sentence too. I know that if things are fine with this little one (AKA ~ Peanut, named after my fondness of peanut butter during this pregnancy), I will breathe a bit easier....until the next ultrasound.

I hate this. Absolutely hate this. I hate that pregnancy can never and will ever be a joyous time. Yes, I have my moments of *slight* optimism, but those moments rarely stick around for very long. I want to be naive and pregnant. That's what I want! To be all naive, doe-eyed, and completely blissful and I want to know and be able to say without a doubt that this little one will make it to my arms alive. It will be born screaming; not silent.

I know that it's probably awful to hear someone talk like this, but I know that I am not the only one out there that feels this way. I wish that every "milestone" of pregnancy could be a celebration, not a marker closer to the end.

So, if anyone out there has any ideas as to how I can become positive with this pregnancy, by all means, fire away! I would love nothing more then to be a glowing pregnant woman.....not a frightened woman that looks like she is on the verge of a breakdown.

Well....for those of you who haven't noticed that rather shocking ticker above this post.....yes, I am pregnant. I would love to be able to offer you an excited looking "yay" kind of look, but I can't. Just can't.

You see, this wasn't planned, so out of complete fear of the future, my excitement must/ will be contained until this baby is either born alive (only by some random act of god) or as we, in my world know, not alive. Silent.

It has been around 3 weeks since I found out I am with child and I still can only shake my head when I think of the situation that I am in. I never thought that I would truly ever be pregnant again. I just can't help but feel bad for this poor little baby; who is probably inside of me wishing/hoping that I would be a little more optimistic for his/her little soul.

And then there is the message board that I fled to almost right away for support.....not sure how to say this without ruffling any feathers, but there is no one else on that board right now that has been through what I have and I find myself rolling my eyes quite often when I do read the updates. I wish that the only stress that I had was wondering why I'm not running to the bathroom to hug the toilet. Seriously.

I feel like every night, I have many mini-panic attacks. I wish there was a way to just turn off my brain. If there had ever been any answers as to why I lost the girls, then it might be easier to deal with, but not knowing why I lost them is hard this time around. I feel myself slipping in to a nice dark depression and I am tyring to claw my way out, but I can't help but wonder if this is my way of putting on my iron armour and protecting myself from what I fear is inevitable. Why am I already ready to fight for this little one to the death?

The Many Differences

As mentioned in an earlier post, my hubby and I had a few months of separation last summer. Truth be told, we grew apart previous to it all, but the day he came home and told me that he was no longer happy, it killed me - ripped my heart out.

This guy is the one; the only one who knows me, inside and out. Fast forward a few months ( I am editing a lot of goings on in between it all) and he decides that he wants to be with me. Fine! Great!

And now, many months after the fact, after he told me all of my faults, I am the one in this relationship - still. I am the one that has to worry about it going south (which it slowly is). I am the one that has to worry about all of the things that I am doing wrong ~ what about him? What about all of the things that he has done wrong? And I'm not talking in the past; a much more recent past?

Part of me worries that he is just too afraid to leave me - a security thing. Which was one of his many "complaints" before he left. Sometimes I just wonder if I am way beyond hurt to even recognize what is right in front of me. There are too may things left unsaid that I know will never be brought to the surface - it's just the way we are.

I don't know. I just don't know.

The one thing that I found the most shocking while we were apart was knowing that there was some guy out there that I had 2 stillbirths with and he was the only one that knew what it was like to go through that with me. Without him, I wasn't sure how I would deal with "triggers" appropriately without being able to go home and cry or lean on his supportive shoulders.

Catching Up

At the Sandbanks in the middle of September ~ beautiful!
The boys!

"Fort Freight"

Alight At Night ~ over half a million bulbs throughout the village.

A group of us went and saw Dane Cook ~ freakin' hilarious!

Ol' boy, Duke! Getting so grey...

Crosby was SO happy with wearing the antlers for Christmas, LOL!

Pretty shot taken on Christmas day.

Most of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour boys ~ with the exception of Ron White.

It's been a busy year, as far as entertainment goes ~ in June, I saw Bif Naked, September I saw P!nk, November, we saw Matt Good, the 2 comedy shows and just last weekend, I saw Tegan & Sara! Each single event was different than the last!

I was looking back a few posts back and remembered that I had created this post and I had to laugh. What the h*ll was I thinking?? Seriously?? Who makes these resolutions and actually sticks to them?

• My 1st item on that agenda was going along quite well and I had lost almost 50 pounds by the time I went to NYC, but after hurting myself at work and not being able to exercise very well or for very long, that weight slowly crept back on me ~ all but 30 pounds of it.
• I never did make an appointment with my doctor. As mentioned in my previous post, I do have an appointment set in a few weeks and we will see if I have the nerve to ask.
• Things with my hubby went horribly wrong ~ like spent 2 months apart, kind of wrong. We are slowly *trying* to work things out now, but not sure where it is going to go.
• And well, since I work so much and barely have enough time for myself, I barely saw my family. I saw them, but never for long enough.

So, that's that! I suck as far as resolutions go! This year, I am making it nice and simple for myself ~ I am going to spend more time re-connecting with myself and only doing things that I want to do; not what I feel others want me to do. Also, I am being more honest with people that I actually care to be more honest with!

Plain and simple.

Well, it has been a while....bad blogger, that I am :>(. I guess that is a part of life now, isn't it?! So, I'll spill the beans on my last suspicious post ~ it has turned out to be just that..a small little slice of hope that turned out to be nothing; absolutely nothing. One of my hubbys' relatives tested + for Factor V Leiden, but he went and was tested and it was -. So, no "easy" fix for us.

Which, lately, I have been feeling is a good thing -not the lack of an answer- but the not having kids part. It's nice not to have to plan things around someone else's routine. It's nice to only ave to worry about getting the dogs out for a quick pee before running out the door if last minute plans pop up! Don't get me wrong, I still want kids and know all to well what I am missing, but there are lots of good things about missing out on them too! And I am just starting to realize them now.

I have an appointment in a few weeks with my doctor to have him send me for any and all tests to help find some sort of an answer ~ if an answer does come up, then great! We will sit on that answer for a while and decide just how badly I want to be a wreck for months on end. If nothing shows up, then nothing much will have changed.

Life has been busy ~ work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep. Weekend off =lots of things to do and never enough time. Nothing too exciting to report really in the last 6 months (sadly!). We are going to be installing some beautiful hardwood flooring upstairs and tile in the kitchen, as well as painting the upstairs and replacing all of the trim around the doors. It's going to be a busy month as far as that is concerned and I am already eager to see the end results! Now, to rip up the nasty parquet flooring that is already up there ~ UGH!

Hope Dangles on a String ~ Part 2 ~

As previously mentioned in the earlier post, I have a little slice of hope that has been dangled right before my eyes. I'm sure that there are a few people that may have an idea as to what this has to do with, and I'm sorry, once again, about the quiet nature of this; but I just think that if I say it "out loud" here, then I am REALLY hoping for this to be true.

It hit me tonight; the deep nagging within me that knows that this will never be true. How could it be? Nothing good ever happens and nothing easy ever happens for us either.

So, with a sigh, I bow my head and give in; give in to the negativity.

At least my answer won't be much longer. And whether it is good or bad news, I will share what it is then.