I think that I may just go absolutely crazy during this pregnancy. I am waiting to go for an ultrasound on Tuesday, but I feel like I am waiting for a death sentence too. I know that if things are fine with this little one (AKA ~ Peanut, named after my fondness of peanut butter during this pregnancy), I will breathe a bit easier....until the next ultrasound.

I hate this. Absolutely hate this. I hate that pregnancy can never and will ever be a joyous time. Yes, I have my moments of *slight* optimism, but those moments rarely stick around for very long. I want to be naive and pregnant. That's what I want! To be all naive, doe-eyed, and completely blissful and I want to know and be able to say without a doubt that this little one will make it to my arms alive. It will be born screaming; not silent.

I know that it's probably awful to hear someone talk like this, but I know that I am not the only one out there that feels this way. I wish that every "milestone" of pregnancy could be a celebration, not a marker closer to the end.

So, if anyone out there has any ideas as to how I can become positive with this pregnancy, by all means, fire away! I would love nothing more then to be a glowing pregnant woman.....not a frightened woman that looks like she is on the verge of a breakdown.

I was looking back a few posts back and remembered that I had created this post and I had to laugh. What the h*ll was I thinking?? Seriously?? Who makes these resolutions and actually sticks to them?

• My 1st item on that agenda was going along quite well and I had lost almost 50 pounds by the time I went to NYC, but after hurting myself at work and not being able to exercise very well or for very long, that weight slowly crept back on me ~ all but 30 pounds of it.
• I never did make an appointment with my doctor. As mentioned in my previous post, I do have an appointment set in a few weeks and we will see if I have the nerve to ask.
• Things with my hubby went horribly wrong ~ like spent 2 months apart, kind of wrong. We are slowly *trying* to work things out now, but not sure where it is going to go.
• And well, since I work so much and barely have enough time for myself, I barely saw my family. I saw them, but never for long enough.

So, that's that! I suck as far as resolutions go! This year, I am making it nice and simple for myself ~ I am going to spend more time re-connecting with myself and only doing things that I want to do; not what I feel others want me to do. Also, I am being more honest with people that I actually care to be more honest with!

Plain and simple.

Is it February yet?!?

I *really* am starting to think that I have jinxed myself. Not only has there been another loss around work, but our other dog is now ill AND my husband had his car ear-ended! IS it February yet....SERIOUSLY?!?!

Ok, so as far as the other loss at work goes, one of the girls that I work with lost her husband last weekend. He was only 53 years old and he died of a heart attack. This incredibly strong woman who has gone through something that I cannot even begin to think about has to walk a long and lonely path. I know that she will get through it with *most* of her sanity intact as she has shown incredible strength and courage this past week.

Duke, our older dog, has just recently shown us that he has epilepsy. I woke up to my hubby screaming for me and I ran into the kitchen to see Duke having a grand mal seizure. This was a first for us after I collected myself (read stopped hyperventilating) and called the vet's we bought him in to have a look over and have some blood drawn. Because we are quite confident that this is his first one, there is no need for any drugs yet; a blessing as these drugs apparently destroy the liver.

We got the results back and some of his levels came back weird, but the vet is not sure if they are abnormal because it was taken so closely after the seizure. We did find out that because he is mixed with 2 dominant breeds for seizures, they will always be grand mal seizures. The worst news of this whole thing is that she warned us that he just might not come out of one someday. So, we sit with "optimistic hope" that this may just be his one and only of his lifetime. Hey, we have to pretend that we live a perfect life, don't we?!?

And the most recent "incident" of the GREAT JANUARY of 2009 is the fact that my hubby got rear ended in his car ~ the only saving grace in that mess is that it wasn't his fault!!!!!!! HAHA!

Ok, 8 more days to go.........are you there, February?!?

PS ~ My diet is doing well and I have lost close to 10 pounds!

I *believe* that I jinxed myself by saying that this is going to be a great year. The past few days, not much in the way of greatness.

I'll start with yesterday. My hubby and I took our dogs for a run down at the "dog park". This place is an old camp ground with tons of trails for us to walk on. We were about a quarter of the way into it when my dogs spotted another dog around the corner. Crosby, the goof ball that he is, decided that he just had to meet this newcomer and what ends up happening to him? He gets bit several times in the ear! With blood all over his face, we had to make an impromptu visit to the vet. $130 later, he is all cleaned up, didn't need stitches, but needed a good dose of antibiotics for 10 days. Why, why, why would someone bring their dog to a park like that if it is going/has a slight chance to be aggressive? Not good dog ownership. AT ALL!



This morning I learned of a co-workers death. I have mentioned her before and she managed to give a good fight, but after 4 months of living with cancer, she passed late last night. She was only 41 years old and had an 18 year old daughter. It definitely makes you realize that life does throw you curve balls every now and then.



To end this doom and gloom on a happy note, I started my diet! So, my main resolution of this year has begun!

A New Year!

For once in my life, I am looking forward to see what this year will bring. I can't help but shake this feeling that it is going to be a great one at that!

Will a child be brought into my life? Will I find some sort of peace and inner happiness? Or will this be the year that everything just kind of falls into place and I just kind of float along with it?

You don't have to actually "know" me to know me ~ of course I want a child, but I would love to find that inner peace/happiness too! I am tired. Exhausted. Mentally. I want to be free of all the cynicism, doom and gloom that clouds around me all the time. I want to breathe.

Lately, I keep having flashbacks to certain time frames ~ for those who have walked the same path as I have, you know what I mean. The internal calendar that remains locked in our hearts of certain dates and memories our our lost children. Dates that I am sure, we will never forget.

So, I am having these flashbacks everywhere I go and I can't help but think about what may lie ahead my my husband and I. I want a child, I really, truly do. I am quite positive that by the end of this year, I will be pregnant with a child. A child that we will get to bring home.

And with every new year, there are resolutions that are thought up with the best of intentions, but because this is the year that I am certain will be fabulous, I am going to list my resolutions here and I will stick to them and update on their progress.

• My first and most difficult one is to lose weight. Not just a few pounds. A. LOT. I know that this will be a long process, but I sincerely hope to say that by the end of this year I have lost at least 60 pounds. I will be quite happy with that number, but of course, more will be welcome! I am going to NYC in April with a few of my girls, and I would like to say that I have lost 30 of those pounds by then. Diet starts Monday!


• I have an appointment set-up with my family doctor to 'talk'. I am determined to find some answers as to why I lost the girls. Stay tuned.....


• I would like to deepen my relationship with my husband as well. We spend so much time busy with other things other than our relationship.


• Last, I plan to spend more time with my family. They all live an hour away and I hardly see them as it is. Sad, I know!

There it is.... what do you think my chances are?!?

On the Bright Side

I don't know what it is, but the past few days have been rather "blah" days. In an effort to dig myself out of this pitiful hole, I have decided that I will list the many things that I have to be thankful for. Here's hoping it works!

1. I am thankful for the amazing relationship that I have with my husband. Not only is he my "better half", he is my true best friend; the one that knows the real me, not the "show" me.


2. I am thankful for my husband's good health this past year. Excuse me while I go look for some wood to knock on...


3. I am thankful for the amazing friends that I have ~ without them knowing my crazy ways and STILL loving me no matter what, I don't know what I would do.


4. I am thankful for the health that surrounds my family and friends and their loved ones as well.


5. I am thankful for the home that I come home to every night (or hide out in!). It has taken years, but it is slowly coming to be what we envision it to be.


6. I am thankful for my pets ~ they are all unique, that's for sure!


7. I am thankful that Crosby (the over sized pup) continues to make both my hubby and I laugh on a regular basis.


8. I am thankful that I have a blog to pool all of my mixed up thoughts into.


9. I am thankful that I have a good paying job that I enjoy; most of the time!


10. I am thankful that I am surrounded by nice things; material things, yes, but nice things!

Ok, who the hell am I kidding? The more and more things that I try to come up with, the more and more that it becomes obvious. Yes, I have great things in my life, but where is my true happiness? Where is the child?

I am sure that I have mentioned before, I am a Facebook user. Tonight for my status, I have that I "am struggling...". I wrote that because not only was I struggling to come up with something clever as to how I was feeling, but simply because that was/is the way that I am feeling.

That was almost 3 hours ago. Just 5 minutes ago, it hit me; I'm struggling over who I am now. Am I a 30 year old who will never have children? Or am I a 30 year old who will have a child someday? I am also trying to grasp the idea of being the friend who doesn't have children while all of my friends start or have a family of their own. Not necessarily a concept that is far-fetched, but definitely not a concept that I want to deal with right now. I don't think that over time it would be hard to deal with as these people with children envy the time that I do have for myself, but will they forget the hardships that I have endured in the process?

Will these people speak of their envy and forget about my quiet pain? Will they be so selfish?

WHO KNEW?

Yesterday, I turned 30 years old. In my mind, age is just a number, but when that number is 5 years more than what you would have liked it to be to have your 1st child, why is it that I despise being 30?

Is it because I am now 5 years closer to the cut off age? This getting older crap is for the birds.

Especially when there are no sweet melodies of toddlers running around.

I don't know how this managed to slip my mind, but it did. For the past 4 months (or so), I haven't been on any type of birth control and, well, ;let's just say that my hubby and I had a spur of the moment.....uh, moment. Dumb, yes, I know and even dumber was not using any type of protection. More dumber is not quite knowing if it was close to "O" time.

I'll take a moment and let you gasp.

Ok, so back to what I was saying. It has been exactly 16 days since the "moment" and I know for a fact that I was roughly 2 weeks into my cycle at the time.

I'll let you gasp again if you feel you need it.

So, ya...... 16 days and still nothing. NOTHING.

**STUPID, STUPID, STUPID** There are a few symptoms showing that it can go either way, but for an hour or so tonight, I felt crampy and I'm gonna go with it. Sound good to you? The scary part in all of this stupidity is that I think I will be slightly disappointed if a certain something shows.

Like I said, stupid, stupid, s-t-u-p-i-d.

Summer Feelings Part 2

As a continuation of my previous outburst of summertime craziness; I have more to rant on about. Ok, not necessarily rant about but to share some more of my craziness.

The most recent is learning of a co-workers upcoming death; uh, I mean the news of her serious illness. Yes, the big "C". And by big, I mean big; as in all throughout her body and now invading her brain. It all kind off puts our own misery into perspective and makes us realize that our lives, not so shitty. Of course, it also makes my husband and I want to reclaim our lost years from the grief and grab life by the balls and enjoy every single minute and live. L-I-V-E. In a strange way, I feel bad learning from her misfortune as she spend her last month (if that) on earth scared to bits and here we are living it up.

Keeping this little bit of info in mind, I have come to another conclusion ~ I WILL have a child someday. Someday. I most certainly don't know when and I most certainly do know that it won't be any time soon, but I know within my heart of hearts, it will be. With all of this talk of us living, I can't ignore that nagging; almost poking feeling at the bottom of my heart. No matter how much I live and enjoy life, it won't be truly enjoyable until I share it with a child of my own.

As far as my last post goes, I'm still ticked; not ticked, just bothered I'll say. Since writing it all out, I have realized something else ~ does she think that I spend my days just pining away for a child? That I'm completely consumed by the loss of my children? Seriously. A) She doesn't nor will she ever know the kind of love and strength that I have when it comes to them and B) I'm too busy trying to live my life and finding a way to adapt to even hold a thought in my mind about whether or not I am bothered by her having a child. I'm sorry that this has turned into a rant about this again, but for the love of pete, give me some more credit. Thanks.

On to some good news ~ my hubby and I are debt free. In a small sense. If you consider only having the needed monthly bills to pay like satellite and phone, then good, we are debt free! Ha, that almost sounded convincing for a moment! We're not "debt free" so to speak, but we do have a decent amount added on to our mortgage, that's for sure! Oh well, it does feel good to not worry about how to pay off the rather large VISA bills now!

I am becoming increasingly irritated by the idiotic people that I work with. I'm a PSW ~ Personal Support Worker or better known as a Professional Shit Wiper. It's not rocket science; why do some people not have a freakin' clue? Seriously. Some of the people that I work with cover all of the spectrum's ~ there are the baby talkers; yes, just the other day while working on the Bath Team, I heard the girl that I worked with tell the resident that she needs to get the "soapy woapy" off. Oh my freakin' god. I kid you not. Then there are the complete idiots that just-don't-get-it. I'm sorry, if you have been there for at least 3 months, you should have the lay of the land and know what the hell you are doing and who is who.

I need a cigarette to calm my nerves. I'll be back later.

Good Person or Sucker for Punishment?

As the eternal doormat, this is the question du-jour. Am I truly a good person or do I have some sick desire to torture myself? Seriously though, why do I constantly put myself in situations that I know will bring me to my knees in a fit of tears later?

The good person in me wants to be there for other people who I value their friendship and who need support. The torturous she-devil in me just loves to put me through my paces. This week has proven to be a memory ridden and emotionally draining one as I watch a close friend become a mother for the first time. No, don't get me wrong, I am happy for her as she enjoys all of those special moments with her son; but I can't shake that nagging feeling that it should be me. Another friend of mine asked me if I was jealous in a way and I said no, I just wish it was me. Is that the same thing? Jealousy and yearning?

Back to my original point ~ throughout my friend's pregnancy, I have been always there for her. Either to talk her down when she's about ready to jump, to answer funny pregnancy questions and to just be with her as she walks the 9 month journey. As stated before, I co-hosted a shower for her, went to an ultrasound with her and most recently, went to her pre-op appointment for the c-section. The latter was the straw that broke the camel's back; er, I mean hurt my heart.

I sat in the waiting area of the birthing unit of the hospital. I watched happy and naive mothers to be parade around while they waited as well. I saw newborn babies being wheeled around by happily exhausted mothers. I sat with empty arms, a hurting heart and a head full of memories. So, am I good friend or sucker for punishment? I wanted to be there for my friend as her husband couldn't be there, but why, oh why, must I put myself through this torture?

Ok....I must be the best, most kick ass friend anyone could ask for. Hopefully, they come up with some type of medal for this "position".

ARGH!!!! @#$%*

It's just been one of these days ~ I feel like I am about ready to S-N-A-P! I have refused to talk to anybody on the phone; it's that bad. I know that if I answer the phone and whoever starts whining, bitching and moaning about whatever is the latest crisis, I will indeed, lose it.

But, me being the doormat friend, I am taking a note from history and just choosing to pretend that life is perfect and not answering the bloody phone. I guess even the firmest doormat needs a day off, right?!?

So, to whoever this may concern, no I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, I just need a break from being the doormat and from being the one that always nods and smiles.

I Wish

.....I wish that I could be one of those girls that simply oozes self-confidence. I really, truly do!
However, I have never been one of those girls. At the age of 13, I met a boy and dated him for 5 years. During these five years, this boy liked to make me feel about a foot tall and completely and utterly stupid.

Several years after leaving him (I met my hubby!), I was looking at some old pictures and was shocked to see how distorted my self-perception was. I thought I was fat, but in fact, I was skinny.....I mean, un-healthy looking kind of skinny. It was wildly disturbing to look at those pictures at the weight I was/am at (which I won't disclose those details ;D) and see that I was as thin and sick looking as I was back then and thought about how fat I thought I was back then. Stupid jerk of a boyfriend ruined it for me, wouldn't you say??

And now, I sit at over double the weight I was when I was looking anorexic??!!! Eesh, if I had of known! Now I get to tie in my own self-esteem issues with the way I feel about myself being a failure not only to my 2 daughters, but my family, my friends and most importantly, my husband. I wish that I could not worry about the way the rest of the world looks at me to, but I guess the whole idea of only being able to bring dead children into the world has, in fact, shaken my future self confidence to it's core.

As a way to fight back, I am starting a diet/pills/exercise regimen next Tuesday. Why Tuesday specifically? Because I am going to the movies and damn it, I want to eat nachos! 8-D

I am an avid reader; there is no television sound in the background when I am home because I'm snuggled on the couch with the book of the week.

I recently picked up a new book out from one of my favourite authors, Lorna Landvik. About halfway through the book, one of the characters spits out a wonderful choice of words that is very thought provoking.
" Life rarely makes the same plans you do".

How very true, right?! I mean if life had of stuck with my plans, I would have had my 1st child at the age of 25 and wouldn't have known an ounce of the pain and hurt that I do now.

I wonder how boring our lives would be if everything fell into place exactly the way that we had it mapped out in our minds.

I guess that's the joy of life; wondering what's creeping up to you around the corner.

HO-HUM

Ahhh, yes, the holidays....

I don't know why it surprised me to find out that, yet again, I hate Christmas and everything it represents (read: no child). I guess I still find it shocking that I went from a completely naive Christmas loving gal to a wearily realistic Christmas hating gal.

I do find it amusing that some people were shocked to find out that I wanted the holidays to just be over with! REALLY?? I guess I'm just dumbfounded when said people must have forgot that I had lost my 2nd daughter to stillbirth 9 months ago. And to be made to feel bad because I'm not in the Christmas spirit?? **Hmmmmm, I don't know if I have the strength to censor my choice of words here, so I will leave it to the imaginations of my readers.**

I was blessed to have had to work through the entire Christmas holiday, so I guess I didn't have to pretend all that much at work, where the residents either don't know what day it is or don't care! P-E-R-F-E-C-T!!!! I gave my sigh of relief when I was done at 9 o'clock boxing day night.

The one thing that I completely loved was that my husband was completely 100% on board with my feelings and shared the same kind of deep rooted hatred for the holidays! I mean, we "blamed" having the puppy for the reason we didn't even put up a freakin' tree!!!!

HA!

Bitch Session

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The first and foremost thing that I would like to get off of my chest tonight is that I have been made aware that people in my life read my blog; expected, yes, but the thing that I have a problem with is that things that I have said here are for me to verbalize how I am feeling with no repercussions for anything that I may have said. Yes, I realize that if I didn't want you to read it, I wouldn't have sent you the link, but I tend to think of this as my diary of my personal thoughts and a way to unload ~ if you feel it necessary to bring things up that I may have said about you then please don't hold it against me for reading what I have written and taking offense to it.
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I am going back to work on Monday ~ yes, after 7 months of being off, I am back to the daily grind. Please send some positive vibes that I don't snap or break my back.
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I am a Facebook user and several women that I work with are as well ~ a certain woman that I have never really been able to tolerate much is now pregnant with her 2nd child and is due the 1st week of December. Sweet.....I only have to put up with her for a week when I get back. Things are looking up, right??!! Ummmm, no...no, they are not! Said woman is having a surprise baby shower being thrown at work the VERY-FREAKING-WEEK- THAT -I - GET-BACK. Yes, I was part of the mass private message that was sent to all of my other co-workers through Facebook. Lucky, lucky me.
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The post that I wrote about me feeling like an elephant in the room now has more drama dragged into it ~ apparently, the certain family member of said pregnant person told her that I was "putting all of my problems" on her. W-H-A-T???????? Needless to say, it sounds like I am apparently the bad guy here ~ you know, because I have had multiple pregnancy losses and because the certain family member can't deal with that, I'm the one that has to be made to feel bad. Uhhhh, no. Not going to happen. I cannot change who I am or what I have been through; if I could I wouldn't be here typing this out, now would I?
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I am still amazed at the amount of people that just don't get it. I know this is nothing new, but it amazes me and frustrates me every now and then.

Is there an elephant in the room??!! Because I am definitely starting to feel that way lately. In no way shape or form has anyone directly in my life made me feel this way, but without naming names here, at a certain "event" this past weekend I literally felt like the elephant in the room.

And no, I am not referring to my weight. I am referring to the "let's pretend that Cass has never had any problems with any of her pregnancies while we pretend that every other pregnancy ends in a perfect fairy tale and while we are at it, let's shoot her pitiful looks and threatening looks if she thinks otherwise" kind of way. YUP, that's about it right there.

Come on people, I get that you worry about loved ones pregnancies, but I have never felt the way that I did that afternoon. Forgive me as I try to come up with the proper way to explain the way that I felt ~ I felt bad. I felt that way because I am the person ~ the walking horror story for pregnant women who know me and my "story". No, it's not contagious, so please don't feel that you need to keep your distance.

Guilt ~ yes, there's another way to describe the way that I felt. I actually felt guilty because I plan to be around and supportive. Guilty because I feel that people wonder how my past will affect said person.

And while I'm on a rant, why, oh why, do people continue to ask said person how I am doing? Yes, I get why they are asking, but do they feel that I have ulterior motives? Do they not think that I have a voice of my own and if I didn't feel okay with it, that I wouldn't speak up? And besides all that, why or what should it matter how I do feel anyways?

I'll say it again ~ I walk around on a daily basis feeling 100% completely uncomfortable in my own skin, why should I be even more uncomfortable because you can't handle what I have been through?

Coincidence??

So, I have to ask.....why is it that when you are ready to confront someone with some feelings/thoughts (AKA~vent) something huge comes up and everything that you have wanted to say gets thrown out the freaking window??

Ok..so I realize that maybe not everybody holds things in like I do, so I guess the question is why does this keep happening to me??

Land of a 1,000 Why's

This past week has been a poor-pity me week and my head is full of the anguishing and haunting "why's" ~ I HATE the why's; they suck.
This is where this handy dandy little blog comes in ~ time to clear out my head and rid these pesky little thoughts.

• Why is it that I have to be the horror story to all women who are pregnant and have never had nor considered a loss?
• Why can't my darling little girls be here with me, safe and warm?
• Why can't I let go of things?
• Why am I so damn sensitive?
• Why do I have to face a possible future without a child?
• Why won't my husband open up to the thought of adopting?
• Why am I plagued daily with idiotic thoughts of getting pregnant again?
• Why do I put on my plastic smile about 90% of the time?
• Why can't I just tell it like it is? Should I really have to worry about hurting other people's feelings when they haven't considered mine?
• Why does it seem that it truly does rain when it pours?
• Why can't I have my naivety back? I miss it.
• Why can't I be one of those women that accidentally get pregnant and have that perfect fairy tale ending?

I guess I know where this is all going ~ NOWHERE. Looking back at my edited version of my why's, I see that they all do have one answer ~ because I am that person; I have had losses. This is me and I somehow have to find a way to live like this person and adapt.

THIS BITES.

The past few days I have felt as though my head is crammed full of thoughts, but at the same time, I can't come up with one thought to write out here.

The one thing that I do know for sure is that I am kind of panicking with the thought of going back to work. Yes, I have been off for almost 7 months and yes, I am looking forward to getting back into the swing of things and making some money. But, I am not looking forward to the "looks", the sympathy or the choosing of right words around me. Yes, I am sensitive to what people say, but I do not want people to walk on eggshells around me either. I can and do deal with my sensitivity of things said, but I hate it; absolutely cannot stand it when people feel they need to coddle me.

I'm a big girl; I've done this before, remember?!?

The thing that drives me absolutely nuts (and please, if you can offer any answers, please do!) is that I am sensitive to people's sympathy looks and whatnot, not in the I'm gonna break down and cry, but the I know you're doing it kind of way. Yes, I get it, people don't know what to say or do, so they feel comfortable saying nothing or something absolutely brainless just to make themselves feel better, but what about how uncomfortable I feel on a daily basis?

*ACK*

I guess this is something that I will have to either deal with or use it to my own advantage.

Another thing that has been on my mind is the fact that everyone that I have met through my losses are "moving on", so to speak. People are either pregnant or adopting ~ I can't help but feel left behind in a weird way. I am left alone to wonder if that will ever be me ~ will I ever get to call a child my own and will I ever get to hear a child call my husband and I, mommy and daddy?

I am trying hard to improve my outlook on the crappy circumstances of my life so far, but I can't shake the thoughts that are creeping into my head. I just want to feel normal...or as close to normal as I can possibly ever feel. I want to be comfortable with who I now am.