As I edge closer and closer to my 29th birthday I can't help but feel angry (yes, I know, not a shock to many). You see, I had always said to myself that I would be a mother by the age of 25; when that came and went, I was okay with the fact that I wasn't at that time. Now as I think about this 4 years later and everything that I have been through, deep disappointment is creeping in.
It's all so bittersweet as people (dumb people, if you ask me) tell me that I am still young; I can try again. Yes, 29 is still very young, but it seems old to me when I already surpassed my goal years ago without truly realizing it. And yes, I can try again, but how much more am I willing to sacrifice (mentally) just to have a living, breathing, screaming child in my arms? Don't get me wrong, I want a child more than anything in the world, but at what price? All three of my losses have been un-explained; how easily can I literally jump back in the sack and throw all caution to the wind? I honestly do think that if there was some sort of answer as to why I lost the girls, it would help guide me along in this journey.
So, I sit here......waiting. Waiting for some stroke of luck that either an answer will drop in my lap or that my husband will decide to adopt ~ 2 things that I don't see coming my way any time soon.
This is all so damn frustrating! It seems that I have been waiting my whole damn life, but at the same time watching life slip on by.
3 comments:
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(((((HUGS)))))
I can only imagine how badly you pray for an answer ... I wish there was a way to know what the future held for you. I wish Greg wasn't against adoption ~ or that you could just bring a baby home like a new puppy & he would just "grow" to love the idea.
I wish there were answers for a lot of things for you honey. I really do.
New to your blog, just wanted to say hi. I came over from the baby loss blog.
I'm so sorry for your losses. I don't have anything wise to say, but I wish I did.
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