It occurred to me earlier that if you don't know me, you probably don't know what has been going on with me and what I have been "up" to since losing Peyton.

Well, here goes nothing! Since I found out that Peyton was growing smaller than expected back in mid-March, I have been off work. It was the day that I found out that I needed an amnio, that I decided that I wouldn't be returning back to work. I work in a heavy nursing home and I didn't want to push my luck by continuing to work there until the middle of May.

Let's rewind back to the middle of February when my husband had a bad Chron's flare up (he has an ileostomy) and was admitted into the hospital. So, not only was he not there for the news that Peyton was growing small, but he wasn't with me to hold my hand at the amnio either. A few days after the amnio, he was released and all was "good" ~ by good, I mean Greg was *ok* for the time being until he needed surgery and the results from the amnio had come back perfectly normal.

March 26, we found out that Peyton had died and 2 days later we were back at the hospital to deliver her.

So, after losing Peyton, my attention went quickly back to the poor health of my husband (he had abscesses that were rupturing through his skin, but more were forming inside of him, which were forming because of a fistula in his bowel). After one mishap, he was in for surgery in mid- May and was in the hospital for another 2 week stretch.

In June, I was finally able to step back, relax and start to grieve, but by then, I was too far gone and just plain miserable that I sought help from my doctor. I was on anti-depressants for almost 3 months ~ life was great, I hardly felt any pain; I was N-U-M-B. Not really liking the fact that I was still off of work over 4 months later and not really having the ability to focus on what I was going through, I weaned myself off of them so that I could allow myself to just feel the pain and *try* to deal with it head on. Yet again, not a wise choice ~ I have spent the last month going from super bitch to sobbing uncontrollably, having no interest in anything. ANYTHING. My mind was clear ~ I was in severe emotional pain.

Today, I went back to see my doctor and I am back on a different type of anti-depressants (UGH!) and I am still off of work. I am actually ok with being off as I know that I am not ready to deal with a few of the people that I work with and I guess, to be honest, I am just not ready to be *that* person.

I would say that that is my life in a nutshell, but I'm more apt to say that it's more like a maze right now.

Note to self : never, I repeat, NEVER, delay the inevitable. It really does turn around to bite you in the ass in the end.