Pity Party for One?

Tonight I'm just not sure how to put into words what I am thinking, so tonight I am going point form:

• My husband ran into a friend who's girlfriend had a baby back in February. He has, since then, avoided him; understandable, we all do it. The other night said friend called and I was told not to pick up the phone for the kazillionth time; I asked him if he wasn't talking to him because he was envious of the fact that he had the one thing that he wanted. Of course, he said yes. So, today he runs into him and they talk about how they didn't want to come around "to spare my feelings"; sweet and all, but not necessary. Seriously! It would be different if the baby was a girl that was due within a few weeks of when Peyton was due, but that is most certainly not the case. I can't help but be a little mad at my husband ~ for not being honest and saying that it was him that was uncomfortable.


• Lately, I can't stop the what should be's from clouding my thoughts; they suck and I want them to get the hell away for now. Plain and simple.


• I'm frustrated with myself ~ I want to be a tiny little fragment of the person I was before and I try to make small efforts at it, but they seem futile. I guess I can now say that I still have my sense of humour (albeit, tainted) and my outer shell looks the same (albeit, fatter). I know that past the raw anger there is a sensitive, kind and very compassionate girl, but that girl is wedged between pain and sympathy ~ she'll have to wait to come out and play.


• A few weeks ago, my dad asked me if I wanted to be a mother that badly ~ the one thing that I know for sure is that I need to be a mom; there's a difference. And with that being said, now all I can focus on is how all of this affects my self esteem : how can I feel good about myself when I am a failure and I feel incomplete? I don't feel like a woman for the same reasons.


• With the previous point in mind, I can't ignore the harsh ache in my heart and throat when my mom talks about being a grandmother or my sister talks about being an aunt. Not specifically to me or about me, but nonetheless, it hurts to know that I have failed them too.

I guess I'll take this party elsewhere and wallow in some ice cream. That has got to be good for the soul!