I haven't been around here much lately because I have been a little under the weather. There have been some thoughts that have been haunting me and I need to get them out of my head and hope that maybe, just maybe, I'll find some answers as I pour them out here.I just don't know how to be this person. The person that has lost 3 babies. The person that may seem okay on the outside, when in actuality, she is screaming on the inside.
I do know how to put on my plastic smile and pretend that I am okay and pick up the pieces and continue on. But, I also know that my plastic smile is fading and starting to crack.
How am I supposed to be both of these people while maintaining the person that I am? I am a person that is hurting on the inside, but doesn't want to show people just how bad. I am a person that holds her tongue when she just really wants to spit out the first thing that pops into her head when people are dumb. I am a person that knows she's a good person. I am a person that may never have a living child and is not okay with that. I am a person that enjoys being alone, but at the same time, likes to spend time with the people that she loves and cares about.
I know that I really, really, really don't want to be this woman that has gone through what I have ~ but, I have and I somehow have to find this new person inside that can peacefully co-exist with her alter-ego.
Damn, I really just don't know.
3 comments:
You are only 7 months out ~ I still think you expect too much of yourself. Would you expect anyone else to know who they are or what they are doing this quickly?
A 90 year old patient who's lost her spouse of 65 years ~ do you expect her to be happy within herself 7 months later? 30 weeks isn't enough time to re-grow a heart ... you have to give yourself time girl. You have to tell everyone else to f*ck off while you give yourself time. If you don't have the strength to make everyone else feel comfortable and happy ~ don't. If they can't accept that you need time then screw them. You don't have to make anyone else comfortable with your grief, you don't have to make other people happy when you can barely climb out of bed. I'm praying that the days get easier somehow, I'm rooting for you, I'm here whenever you want. I'm sorry girl.
Hey Chicky ~ you want to tell me why I had a dream about you this weekend?
I showed up in Canada ... in winter of all times. I went to your work & some girl heard me saying that I was there to surprise you (you knew I was coming but I was early I think). She leaned over a reception/nurse kind of desk & told me that she wasn't sure you could handle a surprise & that I needed to be gentle with you because you had been through a hard time ~ I don't remember what it was but her attitude about you being too fragile pissed me off & I told her off.
When I finally found you we went for coffee & talked for a long time. You showed me a big beautiful church that was important but I don't remember why. We were on top of the church looking at the whole area covered in snow, tons of trees & hills around. You said you liked it up there because you felt closer to the girls ...
I woke up wondering where you are & what's going on ...
I'm so sorry.
The only thing to do with this much hurt is to ride it out. It is ok to feel the way you feel.
I had a miscarriage a few months ago- it was so early that I barely knew I was pregnant. I can't imagine how much worse it must have been to lose a baby so much farther along.
Even though I thought I was handling it pretty well, having a lot of faith and understanding- there are still so many days when out of the blue I see someone who is as pregnant as I ought to be or hear about something going on around my due date it is sucks the breath out of me.
Anyway, I'm sorry. Just be good to yourself- and it is ok to feel whatever emotion you feel. It's real and it is yours and it is valid. Don't let anyone tell you that you need to be "fine" - you'll be fine when you are fine.
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