Please, please, please forgive..... I have been a bad, thoughtless and neglectful person. I couldn't believe it, when I checked the date of my last past (my previous doesn't count, as it's not really a post) and saw that it has been over 2 months since my last entry.

*Shame on me*

And trust me, I have been busy...... well, I should clarify what I think is busy ~ "busy" is working, coming home, cleaning up and trying to not lose my mind. Yup, I have most definitely been "busy". I can't believe that I have spent 2 months essentially, wasting time. Ok, to clarify : I have been working an absurd amount of hours at work, which is a good thing, but on the less stress side of things, it's not such a great thing. The 7 month old puppy has most certainly been keeping me busy as well; the joys of sloppy wet good morning kisses and brown eyes! Ok, who am I kidding ~ I have been hiding. Yes, hiding! From who or what? I dunno.

It's not like I don't have a whole crap-load of things to say; I do. I guess I can't form the 1000 thoughts into words.

First things first, my good friend whom I have known for more than 20 years is having her baby boy next month. I have co-hosted her baby shower (Y-I-K-E-S! Did you ever think that you would hear those words uttered from this mouth??), taken pregnancy pic's, gone to an ultrasound and just today, helped her tie-up her baby shopping. The most emotionally damaging of all of this (besides the shower), was going through the girls' bins to dig out what gender neutral clothes that I had. As I have mentioned before just looking at these bins would send me into a blood-seeking rage, but until today, I have been exceptionally ambivalent towards them. Oh no, today, when I chose to get these items out of them, I choose to have a mini breakdown. Oh, the sacrifices I make.

There is a bone that I would love to pick with another friend of mine as well; I know that I never will as she isn't exactly the sharpest pencil in the case. But, if I hear her tell me how lucky I am to be able to sleep in or to be able to sleep whenever I want, I will kick-her- teeth- in. I don't want to be able to sleep in. There is nothing more in this world that I would love more than to be sleep deprived because of my child. But I'm not; quit rubbing it in already.

Although it may not seem it, I am slowly and begrudgingly accepting my life as it is now. Do I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb about ready to set off? Hell ya, but I have accepted that there is nothing that I can do about the place I'm at. It doesn't mean that I don't have tiny little moments of wanting a child of my own and thinking about all that that may entail, but I am shoving these pesky little thoughts away ~ I know that there is no way that I am anywhere near emotionally strong enough to handle the thought of going back down that long torturous road. I do have a game plan for now and after that whatever happens and if it's meant to be, then it's meant to be.

I think that right now I really need to focus all of my energy and attention on my marriage. In less than a year, I have seen both my parents and my sister's marriage go down the tubes. It's kind of a scary thought when you are the only one standing. And on shaky ground at that. I feel a distance forming between my hubby and I; I'm sure that he feels it too and he knows that I am scared. I don't know if it's us just going in different directions, but we are good as a couple and I want us going together in the same direction.

My puppy is driving me crazy!!! Random, I know, but it has a lot to do with my mentality right now. He is good about 60% of the time and the other 40% who the hell knows what happens to him. I will give him this ~ he is 100% adorable and full of love. He is superb at making us chuckle too!

Now that I've put a smile on my face while thinking about Crosby, the knuckle head puppy, I am going to go and watch a movie. Sweeney Todd, here I come.......and you wonder why I'm moody :P