Moving Forward

(Originally posted on Tuesday, September 4, 2007)
....just 2 words, but packed with a lot of punch. A sucker punch right to the gut, actually.

Moving forward: I guess that is what I'm *supposed* to be doing. Those 2 words are the name of a board at SG that have been haunting me for a while now.......moving......forward. Hmmmm.

I guess that if one was to be "moving forward", that could be taken as one moving on as well, right? I hesitate to actually get into this post as I just can't find the words; tears come easier.

You see, moving forward to me is saying that I am going on with my life without a child; a LIVING child. That idea hurts me more than anyone can know ~ not friends, not family, not even Greg. It means that I have been through so much pain and hurt in the past 3 years to just "move forward". I guess that I am expected to just drop the idea of ever becoming a mother and be ok with that??!!! Ummmm, NO! How can I go from being so close to having 2 children and becoming a mother to this?

Here is a brief little note from history ~ girl meets boy. Boy and girl get married. Boy decides that he doesn't want any children; girl does. VERY MUCH. Girl spends a year hurting because of this and hoping that boy will change his mind. Boy does eventually change mind; they start to try to have a baby. 3 months later, they are pregnant! 3 months later, they miscarry. 5 months later, they are pregnant again! 6 and a half months later, they are no longer pregnant. A year and some odd months later, they are pregnant again! 5 and a half months later, they are no longer pregnant. Girl still very much wants to be called mommy; boy has already given up on the parent track. Boy doesn't want to adopt. Boy and girl have been offered surrogacy. Boy doesn't feel right about it.

I rest my case, but ask one question ~ where am I supposed to go from here?