"She just has to feel it " - Sex and the City

Those of you who know me well, you know that I love Sex and the City. Out of pure boredom and depression, I have been watching the complete series (I am now in the 6th season for the 100th time). The last episode that I watched last night was the one where Charlotte finally gets pregnant, to miscarry the baby within days of knowing that she was with baby. At a birthday party for her one year old, Miranda asks Charlotte's husband (Harry) about how Charlotte is doing (having just miscarried, Charlotte was not at the party). Harry just responds with worry about his wife, and Miranda says "She just has to feel it". Absolute genius. I don't know why, but at the time not only was I wishing that someone would/could tell me that, but I wish(ed) that I could JUST - FEEL - IT.

I don't know if it's because I do have a been there, done that attitude towards grief and grieving the loss of my 2nd child to stillbirth, but I just can't feel it. Yes, there are times when I could sit and cry and cry for hours; yes, there have been *maybe* a handful of times when I have, but when am I going to get that hurt-right down to your bones, kind of feeling? Yes, I hurt, but not like I want to. Does that make sense? Is it because I have been there and done that already? Is it because I know what to expect out of grief? Is my anger just getting in the way?

I do wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I have had constant "obstacles" during this period? And by obstacles, I mean, my husband being really sick before, during and after losing Peyton. Of course, I was more concerned about his welfare than I was about my feelings ~ yes, months later, I felt the consequences of delaying the grief. Quickly after his recovery, my dr. put me on anti-depressants; they worked. They worked too good ~ I was numb, so numb in fact, that I hardly thought about anything....ANYTHING. So, not liking that and knowing that it's not good to run from grief, I was weaned off of them.

And here I am ~ HERE - I - AM. I know that I am not "better"; I know that 5 and a half months later, there is no way that I am better.

I guess I have to allow myself to just feel it.