This is me. This is me before. This is me before I ever knew what sorrow really meant. This picture was taken almost 5 years ago ~ a day filled with hopes and dreams of a future that we never could have imagined together. Yes, we are happily married, but as 2 separate people we are not happy.I find myself stopping and staring at the "before" pictures; I guess just searching for a flicker of knowledge of future pain. But there never is a flicker - just happiness. Blind happiness. Even worse, naive happiness. God, what a frustrating thought!
More frustrating is when my husband tells me that he wishes I could be the person I used to be.....key words : used to be. I'll admit, so do I! I used to be someone who always smiled, laughed and enjoyed the more simple things in life. I - USED - TO - BE - FUN.
Now, you'd be lucky if you get a smile, a joke or even a laugh out of me without bribing me. I knew that my losses would change me, but damn, I liked the girl I was before. I don't even know this girl.
3 comments:
That girl is still there. I see bits and pieces of her everytime we chat. You are wonderful...then and now. Different? Aren't we all. You have suffered a lot. Greg's not the same Greg he was 5 years ago either.But both of you are still wonderful.
Do I EVER know what you're feeling!!! I do the exact same thing. I just found your blog, and I'm still reading through to get to "know" you better, but what I've read so far just breaks my heart. I'm so sorry you've had to take this journey...hoping for a mended heart as you work to kick grief's a$$!!
I have a large wedding photo in my bedroom where I also placed my first baby's footprints.
I just look at the photo and say stupid girl, stupid boy.
boy were you both in for a surprise.
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