I Wish

.....I wish that I could be one of those girls that simply oozes self-confidence. I really, truly do!
However, I have never been one of those girls. At the age of 13, I met a boy and dated him for 5 years. During these five years, this boy liked to make me feel about a foot tall and completely and utterly stupid.

Several years after leaving him (I met my hubby!), I was looking at some old pictures and was shocked to see how distorted my self-perception was. I thought I was fat, but in fact, I was skinny.....I mean, un-healthy looking kind of skinny. It was wildly disturbing to look at those pictures at the weight I was/am at (which I won't disclose those details ;D) and see that I was as thin and sick looking as I was back then and thought about how fat I thought I was back then. Stupid jerk of a boyfriend ruined it for me, wouldn't you say??

And now, I sit at over double the weight I was when I was looking anorexic??!!! Eesh, if I had of known! Now I get to tie in my own self-esteem issues with the way I feel about myself being a failure not only to my 2 daughters, but my family, my friends and most importantly, my husband. I wish that I could not worry about the way the rest of the world looks at me to, but I guess the whole idea of only being able to bring dead children into the world has, in fact, shaken my future self confidence to it's core.

As a way to fight back, I am starting a diet/pills/exercise regimen next Tuesday. Why Tuesday specifically? Because I am going to the movies and damn it, I want to eat nachos! 8-D