Realizations

It never dawned on me just how hard going back to work would be on me; emotionally. Driving to work on my first shift back, I couldn't help but think " I'm not supposed to be doing this, I should be up this early with my 3 month old". But no, I was trekking my ass back to work after losing my second daughter to stillbirth. Can we say, freak??

I didn't realize just how much going through this experience for a second just really shot my already troubled self esteem down. To top it all off, one of the residents asked me if I had any children.....me not really wanting to get into it, said no. What does she say in response to this, you ask? "Gee, I think you're about the only one who doesn't have any children here". Can we say, ouch??

I just don't know if my plastic smile will hold up for another round of this crap. I have come to the conclusion that I only have so much strength and then it eventually weakens. I-CAN-ONLY-PRETEND-SO-MUCH.

The one thing that has truly snuck up on me is just how much I have changed through all of this. Stay tuned as I figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing, because at this very moment in time, I know that I have changed, but I can't quite put my finger on how just yet.