Good Person or Sucker for Punishment?

As the eternal doormat, this is the question du-jour. Am I truly a good person or do I have some sick desire to torture myself? Seriously though, why do I constantly put myself in situations that I know will bring me to my knees in a fit of tears later?

The good person in me wants to be there for other people who I value their friendship and who need support. The torturous she-devil in me just loves to put me through my paces. This week has proven to be a memory ridden and emotionally draining one as I watch a close friend become a mother for the first time. No, don't get me wrong, I am happy for her as she enjoys all of those special moments with her son; but I can't shake that nagging feeling that it should be me. Another friend of mine asked me if I was jealous in a way and I said no, I just wish it was me. Is that the same thing? Jealousy and yearning?

Back to my original point ~ throughout my friend's pregnancy, I have been always there for her. Either to talk her down when she's about ready to jump, to answer funny pregnancy questions and to just be with her as she walks the 9 month journey. As stated before, I co-hosted a shower for her, went to an ultrasound with her and most recently, went to her pre-op appointment for the c-section. The latter was the straw that broke the camel's back; er, I mean hurt my heart.

I sat in the waiting area of the birthing unit of the hospital. I watched happy and naive mothers to be parade around while they waited as well. I saw newborn babies being wheeled around by happily exhausted mothers. I sat with empty arms, a hurting heart and a head full of memories. So, am I good friend or sucker for punishment? I wanted to be there for my friend as her husband couldn't be there, but why, oh why, must I put myself through this torture?

Ok....I must be the best, most kick ass friend anyone could ask for. Hopefully, they come up with some type of medal for this "position".