I was looking back a few posts back and remembered that I had created this post and I had to laugh. What the h*ll was I thinking?? Seriously?? Who makes these resolutions and actually sticks to them?

• My 1st item on that agenda was going along quite well and I had lost almost 50 pounds by the time I went to NYC, but after hurting myself at work and not being able to exercise very well or for very long, that weight slowly crept back on me ~ all but 30 pounds of it.
• I never did make an appointment with my doctor. As mentioned in my previous post, I do have an appointment set in a few weeks and we will see if I have the nerve to ask.
• Things with my hubby went horribly wrong ~ like spent 2 months apart, kind of wrong. We are slowly *trying* to work things out now, but not sure where it is going to go.
• And well, since I work so much and barely have enough time for myself, I barely saw my family. I saw them, but never for long enough.

So, that's that! I suck as far as resolutions go! This year, I am making it nice and simple for myself ~ I am going to spend more time re-connecting with myself and only doing things that I want to do; not what I feel others want me to do. Also, I am being more honest with people that I actually care to be more honest with!

Plain and simple.

Hope Dangles on a String

There has been a teeny tiny slice of hope dangled right before my eyes and my reaction is...um, apprehensive; ya, that's what I'll say. I cannot won't get into any details and I'm sorry for the mystery behind it all, but it's that tiny little ray of hope that is stopping me from divulging anything.

I am scared out of my tree in actually believing in this, but at the same time, grateful. I have to look into a few things, but once any type of concrete evidence is laid down in front of me, then, and only then will I let you in on this delicious sliver of hope.

Damn, I Feel Good!

Just because I am feeling good about myself, I am feeling the need to point out the little ticker above this! I have lost just a little over 41 pounds!! I was looking back at my last post and laughed that I had only lost a bit over 10 pounds at that point.

Although this is nowhere near not even close to the amount that I would like to lose, but I have settled on doing it in stages. I am 6 pounds shy of being the weight that I wanted to be when I went to New York and I just may do that ~ I have a week and a half left and I intend to work my butt off (no pun intended!) to get near that goal.

I just adore the feeling of fitting nicely into clothing that I had bought/ couldn't fit into. I am 2 jeans sizes smaller and my uniforms for work are also a size smaller!!

Sorry, but I just had to brag!! 8>D

Is it February yet?!?

I *really* am starting to think that I have jinxed myself. Not only has there been another loss around work, but our other dog is now ill AND my husband had his car ear-ended! IS it February yet....SERIOUSLY?!?!

Ok, so as far as the other loss at work goes, one of the girls that I work with lost her husband last weekend. He was only 53 years old and he died of a heart attack. This incredibly strong woman who has gone through something that I cannot even begin to think about has to walk a long and lonely path. I know that she will get through it with *most* of her sanity intact as she has shown incredible strength and courage this past week.

Duke, our older dog, has just recently shown us that he has epilepsy. I woke up to my hubby screaming for me and I ran into the kitchen to see Duke having a grand mal seizure. This was a first for us after I collected myself (read stopped hyperventilating) and called the vet's we bought him in to have a look over and have some blood drawn. Because we are quite confident that this is his first one, there is no need for any drugs yet; a blessing as these drugs apparently destroy the liver.

We got the results back and some of his levels came back weird, but the vet is not sure if they are abnormal because it was taken so closely after the seizure. We did find out that because he is mixed with 2 dominant breeds for seizures, they will always be grand mal seizures. The worst news of this whole thing is that she warned us that he just might not come out of one someday. So, we sit with "optimistic hope" that this may just be his one and only of his lifetime. Hey, we have to pretend that we live a perfect life, don't we?!?

And the most recent "incident" of the GREAT JANUARY of 2009 is the fact that my hubby got rear ended in his car ~ the only saving grace in that mess is that it wasn't his fault!!!!!!! HAHA!

Ok, 8 more days to go.........are you there, February?!?

PS ~ My diet is doing well and I have lost close to 10 pounds!

I *believe* that I jinxed myself by saying that this is going to be a great year. The past few days, not much in the way of greatness.

I'll start with yesterday. My hubby and I took our dogs for a run down at the "dog park". This place is an old camp ground with tons of trails for us to walk on. We were about a quarter of the way into it when my dogs spotted another dog around the corner. Crosby, the goof ball that he is, decided that he just had to meet this newcomer and what ends up happening to him? He gets bit several times in the ear! With blood all over his face, we had to make an impromptu visit to the vet. $130 later, he is all cleaned up, didn't need stitches, but needed a good dose of antibiotics for 10 days. Why, why, why would someone bring their dog to a park like that if it is going/has a slight chance to be aggressive? Not good dog ownership. AT ALL!



This morning I learned of a co-workers death. I have mentioned her before and she managed to give a good fight, but after 4 months of living with cancer, she passed late last night. She was only 41 years old and had an 18 year old daughter. It definitely makes you realize that life does throw you curve balls every now and then.



To end this doom and gloom on a happy note, I started my diet! So, my main resolution of this year has begun!

A New Year!

For once in my life, I am looking forward to see what this year will bring. I can't help but shake this feeling that it is going to be a great one at that!

Will a child be brought into my life? Will I find some sort of peace and inner happiness? Or will this be the year that everything just kind of falls into place and I just kind of float along with it?

You don't have to actually "know" me to know me ~ of course I want a child, but I would love to find that inner peace/happiness too! I am tired. Exhausted. Mentally. I want to be free of all the cynicism, doom and gloom that clouds around me all the time. I want to breathe.

Lately, I keep having flashbacks to certain time frames ~ for those who have walked the same path as I have, you know what I mean. The internal calendar that remains locked in our hearts of certain dates and memories our our lost children. Dates that I am sure, we will never forget.

So, I am having these flashbacks everywhere I go and I can't help but think about what may lie ahead my my husband and I. I want a child, I really, truly do. I am quite positive that by the end of this year, I will be pregnant with a child. A child that we will get to bring home.

And with every new year, there are resolutions that are thought up with the best of intentions, but because this is the year that I am certain will be fabulous, I am going to list my resolutions here and I will stick to them and update on their progress.

• My first and most difficult one is to lose weight. Not just a few pounds. A. LOT. I know that this will be a long process, but I sincerely hope to say that by the end of this year I have lost at least 60 pounds. I will be quite happy with that number, but of course, more will be welcome! I am going to NYC in April with a few of my girls, and I would like to say that I have lost 30 of those pounds by then. Diet starts Monday!


• I have an appointment set-up with my family doctor to 'talk'. I am determined to find some answers as to why I lost the girls. Stay tuned.....


• I would like to deepen my relationship with my husband as well. We spend so much time busy with other things other than our relationship.


• Last, I plan to spend more time with my family. They all live an hour away and I hardly see them as it is. Sad, I know!

There it is.... what do you think my chances are?!?

On the Bright Side

I don't know what it is, but the past few days have been rather "blah" days. In an effort to dig myself out of this pitiful hole, I have decided that I will list the many things that I have to be thankful for. Here's hoping it works!

1. I am thankful for the amazing relationship that I have with my husband. Not only is he my "better half", he is my true best friend; the one that knows the real me, not the "show" me.


2. I am thankful for my husband's good health this past year. Excuse me while I go look for some wood to knock on...


3. I am thankful for the amazing friends that I have ~ without them knowing my crazy ways and STILL loving me no matter what, I don't know what I would do.


4. I am thankful for the health that surrounds my family and friends and their loved ones as well.


5. I am thankful for the home that I come home to every night (or hide out in!). It has taken years, but it is slowly coming to be what we envision it to be.


6. I am thankful for my pets ~ they are all unique, that's for sure!


7. I am thankful that Crosby (the over sized pup) continues to make both my hubby and I laugh on a regular basis.


8. I am thankful that I have a blog to pool all of my mixed up thoughts into.


9. I am thankful that I have a good paying job that I enjoy; most of the time!


10. I am thankful that I am surrounded by nice things; material things, yes, but nice things!

Ok, who the hell am I kidding? The more and more things that I try to come up with, the more and more that it becomes obvious. Yes, I have great things in my life, but where is my true happiness? Where is the child?

Summer Feelings Part 2

As a continuation of my previous outburst of summertime craziness; I have more to rant on about. Ok, not necessarily rant about but to share some more of my craziness.

The most recent is learning of a co-workers upcoming death; uh, I mean the news of her serious illness. Yes, the big "C". And by big, I mean big; as in all throughout her body and now invading her brain. It all kind off puts our own misery into perspective and makes us realize that our lives, not so shitty. Of course, it also makes my husband and I want to reclaim our lost years from the grief and grab life by the balls and enjoy every single minute and live. L-I-V-E. In a strange way, I feel bad learning from her misfortune as she spend her last month (if that) on earth scared to bits and here we are living it up.

Keeping this little bit of info in mind, I have come to another conclusion ~ I WILL have a child someday. Someday. I most certainly don't know when and I most certainly do know that it won't be any time soon, but I know within my heart of hearts, it will be. With all of this talk of us living, I can't ignore that nagging; almost poking feeling at the bottom of my heart. No matter how much I live and enjoy life, it won't be truly enjoyable until I share it with a child of my own.

As far as my last post goes, I'm still ticked; not ticked, just bothered I'll say. Since writing it all out, I have realized something else ~ does she think that I spend my days just pining away for a child? That I'm completely consumed by the loss of my children? Seriously. A) She doesn't nor will she ever know the kind of love and strength that I have when it comes to them and B) I'm too busy trying to live my life and finding a way to adapt to even hold a thought in my mind about whether or not I am bothered by her having a child. I'm sorry that this has turned into a rant about this again, but for the love of pete, give me some more credit. Thanks.

On to some good news ~ my hubby and I are debt free. In a small sense. If you consider only having the needed monthly bills to pay like satellite and phone, then good, we are debt free! Ha, that almost sounded convincing for a moment! We're not "debt free" so to speak, but we do have a decent amount added on to our mortgage, that's for sure! Oh well, it does feel good to not worry about how to pay off the rather large VISA bills now!

I am becoming increasingly irritated by the idiotic people that I work with. I'm a PSW ~ Personal Support Worker or better known as a Professional Shit Wiper. It's not rocket science; why do some people not have a freakin' clue? Seriously. Some of the people that I work with cover all of the spectrum's ~ there are the baby talkers; yes, just the other day while working on the Bath Team, I heard the girl that I worked with tell the resident that she needs to get the "soapy woapy" off. Oh my freakin' god. I kid you not. Then there are the complete idiots that just-don't-get-it. I'm sorry, if you have been there for at least 3 months, you should have the lay of the land and know what the hell you are doing and who is who.

I need a cigarette to calm my nerves. I'll be back later.

It appears as though this is the week that I will be relentless and start to give up some of my baby stuff. I have just answered an ad to a women who is due in September and wants Care Bear nursery items. Yes, I have been wanting to sell these things, but I didn't know just how much it would hurt to open up those boxes.

To know that I wasn't able to have my dream nursery and now to possibly enable that chance for someone else just *plain* hurts*. It takes me back to the amount of time that I spent online trying to find these things and then the juggling that I had to do to get them to my house. The real kicker was getting home from the hospital after delivering Quinn to find them sitting in the post office.

Memory is such a sneaky and mean son of a bitch.

MY TOP 10 (of a different sort!)

I've decided that as a reference to look back on at the end of this year, I am going to make myself an anger/motivation must-do list! It's something that I *hope* I will complete by the end of 2008, but I also hope that it's something that will help me move along and get out of this funk. And me, being a orderly, list kind of girl, what better way than to have a list, right??! ______________________________________________________________

1. Yes, the dreaded two words ~ WEIGHT LOSS. As mentioned before, I am not happy with the weight that I am at; making me feel much more worse about myself. So, I started my diet and exercise on Tuesday and I am feeling good about this choice. Realistically, I would like to say that by the year's end I have lost about 60 pounds, but I would really like to lose over 100. I know the latter won't happen, but this is my list!! LMAO!
   
2. I would like to scrapbook more! I have 2 albums that I really need to either get started on or finish up. I made one for Quinn and I have bought one for Peyton, but haven't had the ambition to even start that one. I have another scrapbook that I am combining all of the trips and other fun times into and I really want to get our New York City trip into that one. If I can say that I have the fun book and Peyton's almost done by the end of the year, then I will feel much more productive!
   
3. HAHAHAHA!!! I found this highly amusing as yes, you guessed it; I have some Irish blood in me!! And if you haven't guessed what this is, it's a doormat. Yes, I would like to NOT be a doormat for people to wipe their shitty shoes on. 'Nuff said!
   
4. Yup, I sure would also like a backbone.**SIGH**
   
5. I guess the last 2 are tied together ~ I want to be the type of person that can be brutally, but tactfully, honest. I think that I want to be this so that I will no longer become someone that will roll over while someone treats me unfairly. I would like to say that by the end of the year that I have spoken back to said people at least once.
   
6. I want to say that by the end of the year that I am the TRUE me.
   
7. By the end of the year, I want to say that I have been to 2 different places. Preferably, one in Canada and one in the US.
   
   
8. I hope that at least more than a quarter of our debt is paid off by the end of this year.
   
9. I would like to be off of my anti-depressants by the end of the year.


10. I would like to say that by the end of the year, my actual to-do list for around the house is done. I mine as well start off small if I'm going to tackle this list.

I Wish

.....I wish that I could be one of those girls that simply oozes self-confidence. I really, truly do!
However, I have never been one of those girls. At the age of 13, I met a boy and dated him for 5 years. During these five years, this boy liked to make me feel about a foot tall and completely and utterly stupid.

Several years after leaving him (I met my hubby!), I was looking at some old pictures and was shocked to see how distorted my self-perception was. I thought I was fat, but in fact, I was skinny.....I mean, un-healthy looking kind of skinny. It was wildly disturbing to look at those pictures at the weight I was/am at (which I won't disclose those details ;D) and see that I was as thin and sick looking as I was back then and thought about how fat I thought I was back then. Stupid jerk of a boyfriend ruined it for me, wouldn't you say??

And now, I sit at over double the weight I was when I was looking anorexic??!!! Eesh, if I had of known! Now I get to tie in my own self-esteem issues with the way I feel about myself being a failure not only to my 2 daughters, but my family, my friends and most importantly, my husband. I wish that I could not worry about the way the rest of the world looks at me to, but I guess the whole idea of only being able to bring dead children into the world has, in fact, shaken my future self confidence to it's core.

As a way to fight back, I am starting a diet/pills/exercise regimen next Tuesday. Why Tuesday specifically? Because I am going to the movies and damn it, I want to eat nachos! 8-D

Another Year

Since losing Quinn, I am always saddened when I leave one of the worst years behind; while at the same time hopeful for a better year ahead.

This year, I rang in 2008 at work with a good friend and one of the residents. I was happy to see 2007 go, but at the same time, I felt sad for what may or may not lie ahead of me in 2008.

Will a child be a part of this year? I doubt it. The only saving grace in this thought is knowing that my heart won't be shredded to a million pieces at all this year.

So, with the thoughts and intention of making 2008 a "happier, no more dead children" year, I feel obligated to share my resolutions. First, I want to lose a pile of weight. And my only other resolution is to *try* and be a happier, positive person. But to do this, I have to take a step at a time and just simply put one foot in front of the other and follow which way life takes me.