The Many Differences

As mentioned in an earlier post, my hubby and I had a few months of separation last summer. Truth be told, we grew apart previous to it all, but the day he came home and told me that he was no longer happy, it killed me - ripped my heart out.

This guy is the one; the only one who knows me, inside and out. Fast forward a few months ( I am editing a lot of goings on in between it all) and he decides that he wants to be with me. Fine! Great!

And now, many months after the fact, after he told me all of my faults, I am the one in this relationship - still. I am the one that has to worry about it going south (which it slowly is). I am the one that has to worry about all of the things that I am doing wrong ~ what about him? What about all of the things that he has done wrong? And I'm not talking in the past; a much more recent past?

Part of me worries that he is just too afraid to leave me - a security thing. Which was one of his many "complaints" before he left. Sometimes I just wonder if I am way beyond hurt to even recognize what is right in front of me. There are too may things left unsaid that I know will never be brought to the surface - it's just the way we are.

I don't know. I just don't know.

The one thing that I found the most shocking while we were apart was knowing that there was some guy out there that I had 2 stillbirths with and he was the only one that knew what it was like to go through that with me. Without him, I wasn't sure how I would deal with "triggers" appropriately without being able to go home and cry or lean on his supportive shoulders.

Last month I injured myself at work; it was a stupid incident that should have never happened, but here I am and have been sitting at home for the past 3 weeks. Just within this last week, I have found myself thinking back over 2 summers ago when I was off after having Peyton. I can't help but feel odd ~ it all seems too familiar being off along the same time frame and wondering around the house looking for something to do. I know that it is 2 totally different instances, but to me and where my head is at, it feels the same. I guess being holed up in my house isn't helping these feelings either.

I just want to get back to work and start to feel *normal* like I really am not living through all of it again. No, I'm not moping around the house and crying for my lost child(ren), but I can't help but feel those flashbacks.

It's amazing what time can and cannot do to a person's behaviour.

Time Flies??!!?? NOPE!

Tomorrow marks the 2 year anniversary of when Peyton became an angel ~ holy sh*t! It does and it doesn't seem like all that time has passed already; but I guess the calendar doesn't lie, now does it?!

Up until a half hour ago, I was cool as a cucumber,but while I was out for a walk with the dogs, it hit me. LIKE. A. TON. OF. BRICKS. As we all know the horrible memories that replay over and over in our minds, I won't need to describe what is playing in my mind.

I really don't know how I am going to get through work tomorrow without having a minor meltdown. This is the first time between the 2 girls that I have had to work through an anniversary. I know that I will be busy enough to keep it pushed back in my head, but I know fear that that ache will be there in front. The only thought that will keep me sane is knowing that I get to come home to my hubby and cry on his shoulder.

This is one of those days where I can actually feel & hear the silence of not having any child/ren to hold tight. The old familiar heartache has once again wedged itself in my chest.

Anger has always been a distant thump away, but today it lies within my heart too ~ why? Why me? Why two precious babies?

I *believe* that I jinxed myself by saying that this is going to be a great year. The past few days, not much in the way of greatness.

I'll start with yesterday. My hubby and I took our dogs for a run down at the "dog park". This place is an old camp ground with tons of trails for us to walk on. We were about a quarter of the way into it when my dogs spotted another dog around the corner. Crosby, the goof ball that he is, decided that he just had to meet this newcomer and what ends up happening to him? He gets bit several times in the ear! With blood all over his face, we had to make an impromptu visit to the vet. $130 later, he is all cleaned up, didn't need stitches, but needed a good dose of antibiotics for 10 days. Why, why, why would someone bring their dog to a park like that if it is going/has a slight chance to be aggressive? Not good dog ownership. AT ALL!



This morning I learned of a co-workers death. I have mentioned her before and she managed to give a good fight, but after 4 months of living with cancer, she passed late last night. She was only 41 years old and had an 18 year old daughter. It definitely makes you realize that life does throw you curve balls every now and then.



To end this doom and gloom on a happy note, I started my diet! So, my main resolution of this year has begun!

On the Bright Side

I don't know what it is, but the past few days have been rather "blah" days. In an effort to dig myself out of this pitiful hole, I have decided that I will list the many things that I have to be thankful for. Here's hoping it works!

1. I am thankful for the amazing relationship that I have with my husband. Not only is he my "better half", he is my true best friend; the one that knows the real me, not the "show" me.


2. I am thankful for my husband's good health this past year. Excuse me while I go look for some wood to knock on...


3. I am thankful for the amazing friends that I have ~ without them knowing my crazy ways and STILL loving me no matter what, I don't know what I would do.


4. I am thankful for the health that surrounds my family and friends and their loved ones as well.


5. I am thankful for the home that I come home to every night (or hide out in!). It has taken years, but it is slowly coming to be what we envision it to be.


6. I am thankful for my pets ~ they are all unique, that's for sure!


7. I am thankful that Crosby (the over sized pup) continues to make both my hubby and I laugh on a regular basis.


8. I am thankful that I have a blog to pool all of my mixed up thoughts into.


9. I am thankful that I have a good paying job that I enjoy; most of the time!


10. I am thankful that I am surrounded by nice things; material things, yes, but nice things!

Ok, who the hell am I kidding? The more and more things that I try to come up with, the more and more that it becomes obvious. Yes, I have great things in my life, but where is my true happiness? Where is the child?

Good Person or Sucker for Punishment?

As the eternal doormat, this is the question du-jour. Am I truly a good person or do I have some sick desire to torture myself? Seriously though, why do I constantly put myself in situations that I know will bring me to my knees in a fit of tears later?

The good person in me wants to be there for other people who I value their friendship and who need support. The torturous she-devil in me just loves to put me through my paces. This week has proven to be a memory ridden and emotionally draining one as I watch a close friend become a mother for the first time. No, don't get me wrong, I am happy for her as she enjoys all of those special moments with her son; but I can't shake that nagging feeling that it should be me. Another friend of mine asked me if I was jealous in a way and I said no, I just wish it was me. Is that the same thing? Jealousy and yearning?

Back to my original point ~ throughout my friend's pregnancy, I have been always there for her. Either to talk her down when she's about ready to jump, to answer funny pregnancy questions and to just be with her as she walks the 9 month journey. As stated before, I co-hosted a shower for her, went to an ultrasound with her and most recently, went to her pre-op appointment for the c-section. The latter was the straw that broke the camel's back; er, I mean hurt my heart.

I sat in the waiting area of the birthing unit of the hospital. I watched happy and naive mothers to be parade around while they waited as well. I saw newborn babies being wheeled around by happily exhausted mothers. I sat with empty arms, a hurting heart and a head full of memories. So, am I good friend or sucker for punishment? I wanted to be there for my friend as her husband couldn't be there, but why, oh why, must I put myself through this torture?

Ok....I must be the best, most kick ass friend anyone could ask for. Hopefully, they come up with some type of medal for this "position".

It appears as though this is the week that I will be relentless and start to give up some of my baby stuff. I have just answered an ad to a women who is due in September and wants Care Bear nursery items. Yes, I have been wanting to sell these things, but I didn't know just how much it would hurt to open up those boxes.

To know that I wasn't able to have my dream nursery and now to possibly enable that chance for someone else just *plain* hurts*. It takes me back to the amount of time that I spent online trying to find these things and then the juggling that I had to do to get them to my house. The real kicker was getting home from the hospital after delivering Quinn to find them sitting in the post office.

Memory is such a sneaky and mean son of a bitch.

Please, please, please forgive..... I have been a bad, thoughtless and neglectful person. I couldn't believe it, when I checked the date of my last past (my previous doesn't count, as it's not really a post) and saw that it has been over 2 months since my last entry.

*Shame on me*

And trust me, I have been busy...... well, I should clarify what I think is busy ~ "busy" is working, coming home, cleaning up and trying to not lose my mind. Yup, I have most definitely been "busy". I can't believe that I have spent 2 months essentially, wasting time. Ok, to clarify : I have been working an absurd amount of hours at work, which is a good thing, but on the less stress side of things, it's not such a great thing. The 7 month old puppy has most certainly been keeping me busy as well; the joys of sloppy wet good morning kisses and brown eyes! Ok, who am I kidding ~ I have been hiding. Yes, hiding! From who or what? I dunno.

It's not like I don't have a whole crap-load of things to say; I do. I guess I can't form the 1000 thoughts into words.

First things first, my good friend whom I have known for more than 20 years is having her baby boy next month. I have co-hosted her baby shower (Y-I-K-E-S! Did you ever think that you would hear those words uttered from this mouth??), taken pregnancy pic's, gone to an ultrasound and just today, helped her tie-up her baby shopping. The most emotionally damaging of all of this (besides the shower), was going through the girls' bins to dig out what gender neutral clothes that I had. As I have mentioned before just looking at these bins would send me into a blood-seeking rage, but until today, I have been exceptionally ambivalent towards them. Oh no, today, when I chose to get these items out of them, I choose to have a mini breakdown. Oh, the sacrifices I make.

There is a bone that I would love to pick with another friend of mine as well; I know that I never will as she isn't exactly the sharpest pencil in the case. But, if I hear her tell me how lucky I am to be able to sleep in or to be able to sleep whenever I want, I will kick-her- teeth- in. I don't want to be able to sleep in. There is nothing more in this world that I would love more than to be sleep deprived because of my child. But I'm not; quit rubbing it in already.

Although it may not seem it, I am slowly and begrudgingly accepting my life as it is now. Do I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb about ready to set off? Hell ya, but I have accepted that there is nothing that I can do about the place I'm at. It doesn't mean that I don't have tiny little moments of wanting a child of my own and thinking about all that that may entail, but I am shoving these pesky little thoughts away ~ I know that there is no way that I am anywhere near emotionally strong enough to handle the thought of going back down that long torturous road. I do have a game plan for now and after that whatever happens and if it's meant to be, then it's meant to be.

I think that right now I really need to focus all of my energy and attention on my marriage. In less than a year, I have seen both my parents and my sister's marriage go down the tubes. It's kind of a scary thought when you are the only one standing. And on shaky ground at that. I feel a distance forming between my hubby and I; I'm sure that he feels it too and he knows that I am scared. I don't know if it's us just going in different directions, but we are good as a couple and I want us going together in the same direction.

My puppy is driving me crazy!!! Random, I know, but it has a lot to do with my mentality right now. He is good about 60% of the time and the other 40% who the hell knows what happens to him. I will give him this ~ he is 100% adorable and full of love. He is superb at making us chuckle too!

Now that I've put a smile on my face while thinking about Crosby, the knuckle head puppy, I am going to go and watch a movie. Sweeney Todd, here I come.......and you wonder why I'm moody :P

I Want to Break Free

Isn't it bizarre how some things in life can just wake you up one morning and slap you right in the face? I, for one, have been bitch slapped it seems, since the beginning of this year. 2008, the year that I had hoped would treat me better....... well, 2008, you can kiss my ass too!

I feel as though I'm spiralling back into that deep dark place that I was hoping to avoid; take reprieve for a few months. H-O-W-E-V-E-R, here I am clawing to stay about midway through this dark well and I don't know if I have the strength to remain where I am.

At first, I thought it was the weather, but then it hit me ~ I went through exactly the same thing after I lost Quinn. I didn't have any interest in anything, it was a chore to leave the house, I spent money like it grew on trees and most of all, I hid; hid from my family and my friends. I ended up being so down that I had to take a month and a half off of work and get on some meds to wrap my head around things and to straighten myself up.

Now, I don't plan on taking any time off now, but I am going through the same ambivelence towards life and the people in my life. I hate this ~ I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT.

I want to break free from the web that grief has trapped me into for over 2 years. I want to wake up some random morning and feel as though I'm not covered by a hovering shadow. I would like to live as normal as possible, but I know that may never happen.

I think it's time that I return to my pity party for one and continue my movie marathon.

I Wish

.....I wish that I could be one of those girls that simply oozes self-confidence. I really, truly do!
However, I have never been one of those girls. At the age of 13, I met a boy and dated him for 5 years. During these five years, this boy liked to make me feel about a foot tall and completely and utterly stupid.

Several years after leaving him (I met my hubby!), I was looking at some old pictures and was shocked to see how distorted my self-perception was. I thought I was fat, but in fact, I was skinny.....I mean, un-healthy looking kind of skinny. It was wildly disturbing to look at those pictures at the weight I was/am at (which I won't disclose those details ;D) and see that I was as thin and sick looking as I was back then and thought about how fat I thought I was back then. Stupid jerk of a boyfriend ruined it for me, wouldn't you say??

And now, I sit at over double the weight I was when I was looking anorexic??!!! Eesh, if I had of known! Now I get to tie in my own self-esteem issues with the way I feel about myself being a failure not only to my 2 daughters, but my family, my friends and most importantly, my husband. I wish that I could not worry about the way the rest of the world looks at me to, but I guess the whole idea of only being able to bring dead children into the world has, in fact, shaken my future self confidence to it's core.

As a way to fight back, I am starting a diet/pills/exercise regimen next Tuesday. Why Tuesday specifically? Because I am going to the movies and damn it, I want to eat nachos! 8-D

What the? How the? ......

What the hell? Ok, I guess I should get more to the point, huh? Obviously I knew that we are in the month of January, but tonight while I was on a break at work, it hit me. Holy shit, it's January!?!?? As in it's January, 2 and a half months before Peyton's 1st anniversary.....................................................................................................

~...sorry, had to take a moment to shake my head again...~

Where the hell have I been? Yes, I know, oh, how I know....I've been grieving, but where in the midst of this grieving, did the year go?

I wonder if it's because I have (unfortunately) been there and done that before? I mean, the year after losing Quinn was so L-O-N-G, but I ask again ~ what the hell?

And you know, truth be told, I feel like I have gyped my second dead daughter of the soulful mourning that I did for her sister. Don't get me wrong, I cry and I do all of the same things that I did after losing Quinn, but it's waaaayyyyy much more tinged with the raw emotion of anger. I some days feel bad for not grieving the loss of Peyton as I did for Quinn, but I guess all that can be said is that it is in fact different this time around.

I guess I can say that I am in fact pissed right the hell off that I got gyped. Enough said.

Ahhh, yes, the holidays....

I don't know why it surprised me to find out that, yet again, I hate Christmas and everything it represents (read: no child). I guess I still find it shocking that I went from a completely naive Christmas loving gal to a wearily realistic Christmas hating gal.

I do find it amusing that some people were shocked to find out that I wanted the holidays to just be over with! REALLY?? I guess I'm just dumbfounded when said people must have forgot that I had lost my 2nd daughter to stillbirth 9 months ago. And to be made to feel bad because I'm not in the Christmas spirit?? **Hmmmmm, I don't know if I have the strength to censor my choice of words here, so I will leave it to the imaginations of my readers.**

I was blessed to have had to work through the entire Christmas holiday, so I guess I didn't have to pretend all that much at work, where the residents either don't know what day it is or don't care! P-E-R-F-E-C-T!!!! I gave my sigh of relief when I was done at 9 o'clock boxing day night.

The one thing that I completely loved was that my husband was completely 100% on board with my feelings and shared the same kind of deep rooted hatred for the holidays! I mean, we "blamed" having the puppy for the reason we didn't even put up a freakin' tree!!!!

HA!

Realizations

It never dawned on me just how hard going back to work would be on me; emotionally. Driving to work on my first shift back, I couldn't help but think " I'm not supposed to be doing this, I should be up this early with my 3 month old". But no, I was trekking my ass back to work after losing my second daughter to stillbirth. Can we say, freak??

I didn't realize just how much going through this experience for a second just really shot my already troubled self esteem down. To top it all off, one of the residents asked me if I had any children.....me not really wanting to get into it, said no. What does she say in response to this, you ask? "Gee, I think you're about the only one who doesn't have any children here". Can we say, ouch??

I just don't know if my plastic smile will hold up for another round of this crap. I have come to the conclusion that I only have so much strength and then it eventually weakens. I-CAN-ONLY-PRETEND-SO-MUCH.

The one thing that has truly snuck up on me is just how much I have changed through all of this. Stay tuned as I figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing, because at this very moment in time, I know that I have changed, but I can't quite put my finger on how just yet.

Land of a 1,000 Why's

This past week has been a poor-pity me week and my head is full of the anguishing and haunting "why's" ~ I HATE the why's; they suck.
This is where this handy dandy little blog comes in ~ time to clear out my head and rid these pesky little thoughts.

• Why is it that I have to be the horror story to all women who are pregnant and have never had nor considered a loss?
• Why can't my darling little girls be here with me, safe and warm?
• Why can't I let go of things?
• Why am I so damn sensitive?
• Why do I have to face a possible future without a child?
• Why won't my husband open up to the thought of adopting?
• Why am I plagued daily with idiotic thoughts of getting pregnant again?
• Why do I put on my plastic smile about 90% of the time?
• Why can't I just tell it like it is? Should I really have to worry about hurting other people's feelings when they haven't considered mine?
• Why does it seem that it truly does rain when it pours?
• Why can't I have my naivety back? I miss it.
• Why can't I be one of those women that accidentally get pregnant and have that perfect fairy tale ending?

I guess I know where this is all going ~ NOWHERE. Looking back at my edited version of my why's, I see that they all do have one answer ~ because I am that person; I have had losses. This is me and I somehow have to find a way to live like this person and adapt.

THIS BITES.

The past few days I have felt as though my head is crammed full of thoughts, but at the same time, I can't come up with one thought to write out here.

The one thing that I do know for sure is that I am kind of panicking with the thought of going back to work. Yes, I have been off for almost 7 months and yes, I am looking forward to getting back into the swing of things and making some money. But, I am not looking forward to the "looks", the sympathy or the choosing of right words around me. Yes, I am sensitive to what people say, but I do not want people to walk on eggshells around me either. I can and do deal with my sensitivity of things said, but I hate it; absolutely cannot stand it when people feel they need to coddle me.

I'm a big girl; I've done this before, remember?!?

The thing that drives me absolutely nuts (and please, if you can offer any answers, please do!) is that I am sensitive to people's sympathy looks and whatnot, not in the I'm gonna break down and cry, but the I know you're doing it kind of way. Yes, I get it, people don't know what to say or do, so they feel comfortable saying nothing or something absolutely brainless just to make themselves feel better, but what about how uncomfortable I feel on a daily basis?

*ACK*

I guess this is something that I will have to either deal with or use it to my own advantage.

Another thing that has been on my mind is the fact that everyone that I have met through my losses are "moving on", so to speak. People are either pregnant or adopting ~ I can't help but feel left behind in a weird way. I am left alone to wonder if that will ever be me ~ will I ever get to call a child my own and will I ever get to hear a child call my husband and I, mommy and daddy?

I am trying hard to improve my outlook on the crappy circumstances of my life so far, but I can't shake the thoughts that are creeping into my head. I just want to feel normal...or as close to normal as I can possibly ever feel. I want to be comfortable with who I now am.

Happy Birthday??!!??

September 29th.....my birthday. 6 months ago, my 2nd angel daughter, Peyton, was born. It's no wonder that I don't feel excited about this. I have found that since losing Quinn, my birthday has always been a source of great inner disappointment.

While I do look forward to going out with friends and family, I can't help but feel crushed. If Peyton had been born into this world alive, she would be a touch over 2 months old; not dead for 6 months.

Like I mentioned in a previous post, my birthday always reminds me of the hopes and dreams that I had envisioned.....and they're gone. I was *supposed* to be a mother nearly 4 years ago, but this birthday brings me to the age of 29. Normally, an age that is still very young, but to me, right now, it feels very old.

I can't help but wonder what the next year will bring............................................................................
I guess I will pull up my socks from here and hope that I do, in fact, have a happy birthday.

Your Birthdate: September 29

You have the mind of an artist, even if you haven't developed the talent yet. Expressive and aware, you enjoy finding new ways to share your feelings. You often feel like you don't fit in - especially in traditional environments. You have big dreams. The problem is putting those dreams into action. Your strength: Your vivid imagination Your weakness: Fear of failure Your power color: Coral Your power symbol: Oval Your power month: November

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Last night I had a rush of sad memories come flooding into my head. It all started out with me thinking (more like wondering) about when my husband is going to paint this room.

Then it hit me ~ I was thinking about the day that the 2 of us and my parents went out to look at and buy a stroller. I remember being so excited about this stroller...it made it all so real! Once it was assembled, both my husband and I took turns jaunting around the house like a pair of giddy kids ourselves and imagined Quinn being in it. The stroller sat in this room for a few weeks and every time I looked at it, I was in awe.

Now, when I look at it, I am in pain. It has sat down in the basement, covered in bags (clear ones at that) terrorizing me for the past few years. When I was pregnant with Peyton, it wasn't too evil, but still painful, nonetheless. Now I want to hurt and break it; it's perfection and it's never been used state hurts.

Along with the stroller memories came another set of memories ~ packing up all of the baby stuff. I remember it clearly; me taking an Ativan just to survive this feat, but it not really taking an edge off of the anger. My dad had bought two large bins and I threw everything into it ~ the new outfits, books, stuffed toys, bath stuff, the new diaper bag that I had just bought and with it, my hopes and dreams. And there in the corner of the room, sat the stroller. I wish that I could have fit that into a bin.

When I was pregnant with Peyton, I only ever bought one thing ~ a cute onesie from Old Navy. My mom bought a matching hat. That's it. But, those 2 things now sit in the bins as well. I guess I wanted to protect myself from the anger of packing up more baby stuff.

It is all so bittersweet now; when I think back to how naive I was when I was pregnant with Quinn. Now that's the thing that I hate most with pregnant women that haven't been through a loss ~ the naivety.

What Not to Say/Do

In my "make lemonade" state, I had a rush of anger at some of the things that have been said/ done to me. Over the years, I have seen many "what not to say to a grieving parent" lists, so I thought that I would create my own; I guess more than anything to blow off some steam.

• Don't expect me to care how other women's pregnancies are going....the truth is, I don't care; I have lost 2 children to stillbirth and my optimism is shot.


• Don't tell me every little thing about these women's pregnancies ~ I know, I've been there, remember?!?


• Don't expect anti-depressants to "fix" me ~ I highly doubt that I will ever be "fixed".


• Don't keep telling me to talk to someone; it's called grief....let me go with it.


• Do not give me the pity look; plain and simple, I hate it. I don't need any one's sympathy, I've got my own, thank you very much!


• Don't think that because I don't talk about my girls that I'm okay....I will always think about my girls and perhaps I'm not talking about them because there is nothing that you can do about it.


• If other people ask you how I am doing, tell them that I am fine; they don't need to know exactly how I'm doing. There are a few things that I like to keep private.


• Don't ask me how I'm doing on a constant basis ~ if I feel like honestly telling you, I will. If I don't feel like talking about how I feel, I won't.


• Don't try to find reason as to why this has happened ~ believe me, I've tried; over and over.

Well, I guess that's it for now.....just a little nugget of pent up anger! I wish that I could wear a sign or something; that way people will know up front what my limitations are.

I wish that people would get that I'm a changed person. I'm not the me I was even after losing Quinn, I'm different, accept it and don't try to change it.

Oh, that hurt!

Today in an effort to "kick grief's ass", I went through the bins ~ you know, the bins that hold all of the baby things that my daughter's should have been using by now. In other words, the bins that hold my hopes and dreams.

Let's fast forward to the point when I was angrily rummaging through things and I came across the border and the decals that I was going to use to decorate the nursery with. Care Bears. Those stupid, happy, colourful and annoying little Care Bear faces were looking at me; taunting me.

It's the Care Bears that get me ~ I spent A LOT of time and money looking for these things. And, I had to have them all shipped to my aunt's house in California because Amazon.com didn't ship to Canada. Not only does it make me incredibly sad that I never got to have the dream nursery, but I myself, adore these cute little things and now I hate them. I hate that they now represent everything that I lost and am missing.

I am sitting here typing this out in the room that should be the nursery; 3 times over to be exact. But no, there is new flooring in here (yes, another source of inner resentment) and we are soon going to be painting it something "bright and cheerful". Neutral yellow. Not the pinks and purples that are sitting in paint cans downstairs in the basement. Yellow.

Adios Amigo!

I was just reading some quotes by Maya Angelou; what a very intelligent woman. She gets it. These 2 quotes are my favourites :

• 
  “I can be changed by what happens to me; but I refuse to be reduced by it.”


• “You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”

I love the first quote and in my attempt to kick grief's ass, I will live by those words. I, myself am sick of the person that I have become and the person that I feel I am becoming, so to stop the process I am throwing in the towel at grief, so to speak. And by that I mean, I am letting grief *think* that it won, but it really didn't ~ I won because I'm not letting it get the best of me. I can't. I won't.

So grief, you and I have become well acquainted over these past few years and we became really close these past few months, but it's time I leave you. This is not a good relationship ~ it's not you, it's me. It's time that we both move on with our lives; you have to let me spread my wings.