Last month I injured myself at work; it was a stupid incident that should have never happened, but here I am and have been sitting at home for the past 3 weeks. Just within this last week, I have found myself thinking back over 2 summers ago when I was off after having Peyton. I can't help but feel odd ~ it all seems too familiar being off along the same time frame and wondering around the house looking for something to do. I know that it is 2 totally different instances, but to me and where my head is at, it feels the same. I guess being holed up in my house isn't helping these feelings either.

I just want to get back to work and start to feel *normal* like I really am not living through all of it again. No, I'm not moping around the house and crying for my lost child(ren), but I can't help but feel those flashbacks.

It's amazing what time can and cannot do to a person's behaviour.

I am sure that I have mentioned before, I am a Facebook user. Tonight for my status, I have that I "am struggling...". I wrote that because not only was I struggling to come up with something clever as to how I was feeling, but simply because that was/is the way that I am feeling.

That was almost 3 hours ago. Just 5 minutes ago, it hit me; I'm struggling over who I am now. Am I a 30 year old who will never have children? Or am I a 30 year old who will have a child someday? I am also trying to grasp the idea of being the friend who doesn't have children while all of my friends start or have a family of their own. Not necessarily a concept that is far-fetched, but definitely not a concept that I want to deal with right now. I don't think that over time it would be hard to deal with as these people with children envy the time that I do have for myself, but will they forget the hardships that I have endured in the process?

Will these people speak of their envy and forget about my quiet pain? Will they be so selfish?

I don't know how this managed to slip my mind, but it did. For the past 4 months (or so), I haven't been on any type of birth control and, well, ;let's just say that my hubby and I had a spur of the moment.....uh, moment. Dumb, yes, I know and even dumber was not using any type of protection. More dumber is not quite knowing if it was close to "O" time.

I'll take a moment and let you gasp.

Ok, so back to what I was saying. It has been exactly 16 days since the "moment" and I know for a fact that I was roughly 2 weeks into my cycle at the time.

I'll let you gasp again if you feel you need it.

So, ya...... 16 days and still nothing. NOTHING.

**STUPID, STUPID, STUPID** There are a few symptoms showing that it can go either way, but for an hour or so tonight, I felt crampy and I'm gonna go with it. Sound good to you? The scary part in all of this stupidity is that I think I will be slightly disappointed if a certain something shows.

Like I said, stupid, stupid, s-t-u-p-i-d.

Summer Feelings Part 2

As a continuation of my previous outburst of summertime craziness; I have more to rant on about. Ok, not necessarily rant about but to share some more of my craziness.

The most recent is learning of a co-workers upcoming death; uh, I mean the news of her serious illness. Yes, the big "C". And by big, I mean big; as in all throughout her body and now invading her brain. It all kind off puts our own misery into perspective and makes us realize that our lives, not so shitty. Of course, it also makes my husband and I want to reclaim our lost years from the grief and grab life by the balls and enjoy every single minute and live. L-I-V-E. In a strange way, I feel bad learning from her misfortune as she spend her last month (if that) on earth scared to bits and here we are living it up.

Keeping this little bit of info in mind, I have come to another conclusion ~ I WILL have a child someday. Someday. I most certainly don't know when and I most certainly do know that it won't be any time soon, but I know within my heart of hearts, it will be. With all of this talk of us living, I can't ignore that nagging; almost poking feeling at the bottom of my heart. No matter how much I live and enjoy life, it won't be truly enjoyable until I share it with a child of my own.

As far as my last post goes, I'm still ticked; not ticked, just bothered I'll say. Since writing it all out, I have realized something else ~ does she think that I spend my days just pining away for a child? That I'm completely consumed by the loss of my children? Seriously. A) She doesn't nor will she ever know the kind of love and strength that I have when it comes to them and B) I'm too busy trying to live my life and finding a way to adapt to even hold a thought in my mind about whether or not I am bothered by her having a child. I'm sorry that this has turned into a rant about this again, but for the love of pete, give me some more credit. Thanks.

On to some good news ~ my hubby and I are debt free. In a small sense. If you consider only having the needed monthly bills to pay like satellite and phone, then good, we are debt free! Ha, that almost sounded convincing for a moment! We're not "debt free" so to speak, but we do have a decent amount added on to our mortgage, that's for sure! Oh well, it does feel good to not worry about how to pay off the rather large VISA bills now!

I am becoming increasingly irritated by the idiotic people that I work with. I'm a PSW ~ Personal Support Worker or better known as a Professional Shit Wiper. It's not rocket science; why do some people not have a freakin' clue? Seriously. Some of the people that I work with cover all of the spectrum's ~ there are the baby talkers; yes, just the other day while working on the Bath Team, I heard the girl that I worked with tell the resident that she needs to get the "soapy woapy" off. Oh my freakin' god. I kid you not. Then there are the complete idiots that just-don't-get-it. I'm sorry, if you have been there for at least 3 months, you should have the lay of the land and know what the hell you are doing and who is who.

I need a cigarette to calm my nerves. I'll be back later.

Yup, never the same. I've had 2 tiny little beings come into my world, stay for a mere moment in time, leave some precious memories and then leave. Leave me with a shredded heart and shattered vision of my future.

With that in mind, why am I becoming consumed with thoughts of being pregnant again? I seriously thought that I would never; I repeat, e-v-e-r have these thoughts creep back into my mind. But, they are here and I don't think that they will leave until they get what they want ~ a healthy, alive, screaming bundle of joy.

Yes, I have a ton of hurdles to go through before I even step a foot on that scary, winding road, but I believe that I am ready to jump.