The Many Differences

As mentioned in an earlier post, my hubby and I had a few months of separation last summer. Truth be told, we grew apart previous to it all, but the day he came home and told me that he was no longer happy, it killed me - ripped my heart out.

This guy is the one; the only one who knows me, inside and out. Fast forward a few months ( I am editing a lot of goings on in between it all) and he decides that he wants to be with me. Fine! Great!

And now, many months after the fact, after he told me all of my faults, I am the one in this relationship - still. I am the one that has to worry about it going south (which it slowly is). I am the one that has to worry about all of the things that I am doing wrong ~ what about him? What about all of the things that he has done wrong? And I'm not talking in the past; a much more recent past?

Part of me worries that he is just too afraid to leave me - a security thing. Which was one of his many "complaints" before he left. Sometimes I just wonder if I am way beyond hurt to even recognize what is right in front of me. There are too may things left unsaid that I know will never be brought to the surface - it's just the way we are.

I don't know. I just don't know.

The one thing that I found the most shocking while we were apart was knowing that there was some guy out there that I had 2 stillbirths with and he was the only one that knew what it was like to go through that with me. Without him, I wasn't sure how I would deal with "triggers" appropriately without being able to go home and cry or lean on his supportive shoulders.