Well....for those of you who haven't noticed that rather shocking ticker above this post.....yes, I am pregnant. I would love to be able to offer you an excited looking "yay" kind of look, but I can't. Just can't.

You see, this wasn't planned, so out of complete fear of the future, my excitement must/ will be contained until this baby is either born alive (only by some random act of god) or as we, in my world know, not alive. Silent.

It has been around 3 weeks since I found out I am with child and I still can only shake my head when I think of the situation that I am in. I never thought that I would truly ever be pregnant again. I just can't help but feel bad for this poor little baby; who is probably inside of me wishing/hoping that I would be a little more optimistic for his/her little soul.

And then there is the message board that I fled to almost right away for support.....not sure how to say this without ruffling any feathers, but there is no one else on that board right now that has been through what I have and I find myself rolling my eyes quite often when I do read the updates. I wish that the only stress that I had was wondering why I'm not running to the bathroom to hug the toilet. Seriously.

I feel like every night, I have many mini-panic attacks. I wish there was a way to just turn off my brain. If there had ever been any answers as to why I lost the girls, then it might be easier to deal with, but not knowing why I lost them is hard this time around. I feel myself slipping in to a nice dark depression and I am tyring to claw my way out, but I can't help but wonder if this is my way of putting on my iron armour and protecting myself from what I fear is inevitable. Why am I already ready to fight for this little one to the death?